I want to break up my marriage.

[FLO20]

Hi. I dont know if posting on here will help but I am building up with anxiety at the thought of whats to happen in my life. Maybe not today but at some point I feel my marriage is going to end.
I have 2 children with my husband and have post natal depression after having my son 6 months ago. My husband is not supportive of me at all. He moans about the housework. He works all the time and when he's home is on his phone. He DOES provide but in my opinion this is all he brings to our lives. Ive been feeling like this for a while. Maybe before I had my son but I brushed it aside because I wanted to 2 children. He spends NO quality time with our kids. And i feel for us all we would be better apart. I dont love him anymore. We arent even friends. We co-parent and the house (for me) is awkward. I dread when he comes home because its never tidy and I never know what the atmosphere will be. He isnt a bad person its just our relationship has faded away since we had kids and I have just lost respect for him in some things he has done.

He will be devastated if I break up our marriage and I will feel awful for my children but im unhappy. I've upped my dose of antidepressants and I dont feel any better. I feel like i wouldn't have needed to if our home life was good. But its not. I tell him im struggling mentally and I get blanked when he comes home. I just don't like him at all.

I dont know how ill survive financially aswell which is a huge fear. But I know this isn't right for me anymore. Or my kids long term.

Any advice would be appreciated

My advice is that you firstly need support. Have you got family/friends/health visitor you can chat to and get support from?

I think you need to educate yourself on what separation would look like.
I'm assuming you don't work out of the home.
So get onto CAB and see what you would be entitled to if you split.
Universal credits. Housing benefit. etc...
Do you know how much your husband earns? Work out how much you would get in child maintenance.

You've lost the love and respect you had for your DH and there is often no coming back from that.
So look at what separation.
Get some legal advice. Look at family solicitors in your area and see if any offer a reduced rate first appointment or a free half hour.
Knowledge is power.
You know you need to get out of this marriage so make small steps to do just that.

Reach out for real life support if you can. A trusted friend or family member.

You've lost the love and respect you had for your DH and there is often no coming back from that.

I agree. Once the admiration has gone it doesn’t tend to return. From what you’ve said he doesn’t appear to show you a lot of respect and love either.

Your situation is impacting your mental health. You might well find it improves when you’re out of there.

I’ve just recently split from my husband. We were married for 10 years and have two DCs. I wanted to leave him when our first DC was born 9 years ago and stayed because I felt I should work at my marriage. What ended up happening was years of emotional abuse from a very mentally unwell man and being broken to pieces as he got worse and worse and I tried to help him. My advice would be to leave him now, so much better for you all in the long run. My ex eventually left us and had a mental breakdown. He wanted to come back after and I told him no.
I’m so much happier, I’m financially better off, my DC’s although still adapting are doing great. It’s hard at first I won’t lie but once you get past the initial feelings of guilt and failure you realise how much happier you can be. I’m very lucky that I also have a very supportive family and friends as well. Life the way it is now has never been better. I would also suggest if it’s affordable to have a look at counselling for yourself. I saw a counsellor and he was so good at helping me come to terms and deal with my feelings.
Honestly don’t spend years and years being miserable like I did. Do it now and live the rest of your life happy.

Sorry i don't know how to reply to individual responses.
I do work but I am on maternity leave. I work 3 days a week and both my children are in private childcare when I return in November.
Childcare costs £1000 a month in order for me to work. I live in a council property so my rent is cheap but I dont want to stop working and claim rent from the government as I love my job and when my kids are at infant school I can work more and provide for them more myself.
I did do a calculator of what I would ve entitled to and it was ALOT more than i thought which leads me to believe its not right. But I of course don't know.

I am trying to do whats best for everyone, including him. I think he deserves someone who loves him. He is and has been a really great man to be with. But I have fallen out of love with him and so I dknt give him what he deserves and in turn he treats me the same. We are in a rut but we get out of it time and again but the love never comes back for me.

Its a really hard thing to vision but I know our marriage needs to end

It could well be right.
My friend changed jobs to part-time low wage so she could spend more time with her kids and was actually no worse off than when she was working full time earning a very good wage.
Have a chat with CAB if you can about what you are entitled, they should be able to clarify things for you.

I believe you will be relieved and so much happier and settled with your mental health when you finally end the marriage. It is hard and the guilt about breaking up the family for the children is the hardest to deal with but once you see them smiling again with a happier mummy it will relieve you of that guilt. My daughter was 11 when I left and said to me it made her happy that I was so much hAppier now the relationship has ended, it hasn't been plane sailing and I met my new partner very soon after ending my relationship which brought some extra problems I could have done without. I am not loving my life with my children and my new family. I am actually respected and loved I never thought that would happen.
Good luck OP

Now dam auto correct.

Thanks so much for the kind words i need to see CAB when they are open again. Have a chat with them and see what they say.

The only note of caution I would sound OP is how relatively recently you gave birth. I went through a brief period of feeling depressed and anxious, basically I had a very bad reaction to hormonal contraceptives and was plunged into depression which lifted once I figured it out and came off them. During that period though I nearly ended my relationship with my now-DH, looking back I think part of it was I couldn't fix what was going on in my head and assumed the cause must be external. I was convinced the problems in the relationship were beyond fixing, in reality there really wasn't anything wrong with our relationship but I couldn't explain what else had happened to my mood. I can only imagine how confusing the interplay of hormones with a relationship under the strain of a new baby would be.

The fact you've only had a baby six months ago and have PND just makes me think it might be worth trying to get as much support for that as possible before making life-changing decisions. It's entirely possible that he is actually causing a lot of your stress, and only you can know if there's a way back, but having a young baby is hard and stressful for everyone, a lot of couples have a tough first year and then rally. If you're sure it goes deeper then I think the steps others have outlined makes sense, but taking every possible support for yourself first is probably wise no matter what you decide.

Well........i finally walked away from my marriage.
After years of trying to work things out time and again something has clicked and I know this is right.
I tried to sit him down for a real chat to air anything and try and work things through and to be open and honest about the PND and how I'm feeling and he completely shat all over me. Said the house is a mess and I make excuses for it not being tidy. That I only cook him dinner because I have to (does anyone actually want to cook dinner every night?) And that he will have to accept that ill never live up to his expectations as a wife. (Nail in coffin) this is all after id told him I was struggling with things and wanted some support.
From that conversation my marriage was over. He left a few days after in a strop and I told him yesterday I dojt love him anymore and our marriage is over.

I feel absolutely amazing. He has seen the kids twice in a week and every time he comes he thinks his sad face and moping about is going to make me feel sad. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I've sorted my finances. All my bills are reduced and direct debits sorted to my name. I've applied for universal credit and brought forward my return to work after mat leave so I can survive.

Fear almost had me here for more of his bull but finally, I'm free x

This is great! Well done! I've been reading through your thread and feeling that I'm in a similar position. I hope one day I can do this too. Enjoy your freedom! x

Incredible. Well done you.
Super strong lady!

Glad you're moving forward.

Well done good for you