Don't want MIL seeing baby

[Soph30420]

Hello - I need advice as to whether I sound like an awful person for not wanting my MIL in our lives .

My baby is 2 months old and we had problems with her before he was born - but she seems oblivious to them. To start with she was a horrendous mum to my husband forced him to eat soap when naughty , hit him , took loads of men home and kicked him out to his dad's at 12 for playing his playstation just to name a few . We had a number of miscarriages befoe we had our baby and she went out of her way to be unsupportive . She didn't congratulate or support us when we got engaged or bought our home - but stuck it all over Facebook - she likes to seem like the perfect mum and is obsessed with social media .

Anyway we now have our son any picture my husband has sent to her has gone straight up on Facebook even when we asked her to stop.she's only seen him twice first time she was annoyed I asked them to wear masks and meet outside . She held him for 2 mins after id gotten him to sleep and she physically forced his eyes open . She seen him again yesterday , I passed the baby to my partner to burp him as I was feeding before I new it she'd taken the baby and was forcing the bottle down his neck ,I told her he was full and we kept telling her to wind but she didn't in the end I took him of her he was then sick everywhere and screaming with wind pain. She then put him down in his Moses basket my husband told her to put him on his back etc, well I walked in she'd shoved him on his side and literally threw a blanket on top of him I was livid - she was only here for 30mins. I also had to go into a hospital a few weeks ago for an operation and again she offered no support to my husband whilst I was in .

My body physically hurts when she holds my baby and I cried in the toilet yesterday when she came . My question is I am been unreasonable in saying I don't want us having anything to do with her ? My husband isn't the type to stand up to people .

Thank you !

God no! She doesn’t sound safe to be around your baby. Stop seeing her. Your body is trying to tell you something!

Ok wow. I was all set to think you were being controlling but this description has my stomach in knots & I don’t even have or ever want children myself !

First off is your husband onboard if you don’t feel up to exposing yourself & baby to her ?

He may not be inclined to stand up for himself (I will try not to sound bias regarding my feelings about easygoing people too much) but if he were to, do you think he would like less time with his mother, or would he more prefer you to keep the peace ?

If it’s the first, I think you have a better chance of discussing this with him in a more frank, open manner that his mum really shouldn’t be involved in baby’s life due to her specific behaviour.

If it’s the 2nd then you will likely want to tread more carefully & not give ultimatums etc...perhaps you could reframe it as coming up with some rules for you both about safe handling of the baby when visitors are around ?

She should not be allowed to hold him or be in a room alone with him I feel. The forced opening of the eyes & throwing a blanket over him sounds particularly worrisome.

If your husband was to secretly support you but be unable to stand up to his mother, would he support you taking the lead here?

Next time she asks to hold him “I’m more comfortable if I keep holding him thank you..”

She continues to persist - keep declining

Then she will whinge & whine more to escalate her upset - at this point you can say “look MIL I was trying to not to hurt your feelings here, however we have some serious concerns regarding your abilities to care for this baby due to some concerning behaviours we’ve witnessed from you since his birth. So if you don’t mind, from now on only myself & husband will do X / X / X”

She carries on about how much she minds - “well we’re sorry you feel that way & hope you can understand that being good parents & keeping our child safe & secure is our utmost priority. While am sure we won’t get it right every time, am confident this is the right decision for us & we hope at least this way you’re able to still be involved & present in baby’s life.

If she swears at all - “MIL! Wash your mouth out with soap!”

It should be your husband who stands up to her, but that’s a side issue...it sounds like you have married him knowing this is his character type, so in this situation I have not advised him to “grow some balls” & instead given advice based on working with what you have & not trying to change people’s personalities.

You have my sympathies OP I am in a similar situation. MIL likes to act like the perfect mother and grandmother in public etc when she’s actually been abusive to my DH and offers no support whatsoever unless it benefits her.

We have decided to have a period of very low contact as I just feel uncomfortable having her around, would your DH be on board with that? Or at least would he have a chat with her about her behaviour and give her an opportunity to gain your trust again( if that’s something you even want!)?

She sounds a danger to the child. Very strange erratic behavior. I wouldnt let her anywhere near you or the baby.
How you want to approach this depends on the support of your dh.

Nope.

You're not being unreasonable based on what you've written.

Now will your partner back you up when you say you don't want as much if any contact?

She sounds like an idiot.

Thanks everyone. Sometimes my husband acts as if I'm been a nightmare. I am really close to the rest of his family who don't speak to his mum much either.

I've tried to speak to him this afternoon and he just ignores the subject. I think he will wait for it all to come to a head when she next asks (if she asks) to come around.

I don't know if i should tell her myself or leave him to it . My worry is he will end up telling her she can come around again.

personally I think your H isn't going to have the bravery to stand up to this woman, she bullied him throughout his childhood.

YOU are your Childs mum and it's your job to protect him first and foremost and if YOU tell her how it is and if she doesn't like it she can get back on her broomstick and FTFO home...

In this instance I would explain to him that you are not going to be bullied, that your son won't be manhandled and while you understand she's his mother and all that, and that he will be wary of telling her what you will and won't expect because of who he was raised be her, you are your son's mother and you will tell her yourself that she's not welcome if she can't respect people. Get him to leave it to you, get the other members of the family who don't get on with her to help him know that you're doing the best thing for your family.

the support is there, the will is there, but he's too damaged to take this job on for now. if you do the initial legwork, all he has to say is "what she said.."

Re your comment:-

"I've tried to speak to him this afternoon and he just ignores the subject. I think he will wait for it all to come to a head when she next asks (if she asks) to come around.

I don't know if i should tell her myself or leave him to it . My worry is he will end up telling her she can come around again".

He cannot confront his mother. He won't be able to do so as yet because he is absolutely scared witless of his mother. He would far rather bury his head in the sand and potentially upset you because he's been led to believe that the sky will fall in or there will indeed be hell to pay if she gets upset. He has been that damaged by his abusive upbringing at her hands, he was also kicked out by her at just 12 years of age. I was not at all surprised to read either that her own H left her a long time ago.

Will he at all consider seeing a therapist or at least contact NAPAC about his abusive childhood?. All this will keep coming back to haunt him otherwise.

His own fear, obligation and guilt (three of many damaging legacies such people leave their now adult offspring) are simply continuing to harm him as well as you and his child. She was not a good parent to him when he was growing up and she has not changed fundamentally if at all since that time.

Its not your fault or his that she is like this and neither of you made her that way.

Where are your own boundaries with regards to his mother at?. Do not let her into your home under any circumstances. Keep yourselves well away from her, have no contact with this abusive woman.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend either and his mother is no different. Do read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward, he could read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and also look at the Out of the FOG website.

I think it is unreasonable to completely ban your H’s Mom from his life and from your child’s life. UNLESS it’s what your H wants himself.

However - if you are uncomfortable with the way she is handling your baby - it’s not unreasonable to not let her handle him, much or at all. You can blame it on being an anxious first time mother. As you are a little bit, most are.
It’ll all settle down eventually and maybe she’ll turn out a better grand mother than she was a mother.

Tell your H that you’ve got experienced parents on MN telling you that she is potentially dangerous to your baby (I think she is). Hopefully that will get your H onside.

Unfortunately it appears that his head is already very much in the sand.

From what op has already written about his mothers treatment of her baby also, this woman is already shaping up to be an abusive grandparent to her grandson.

Your DH isn't going to do anything so it's down to you to put this woman in her place. There is not a chance in hell I would have allowed this woman to force my DC eyes open or force feed him until he was sick. Put your foot down and be strong for tour baby