Help....how to stop this happening.

[123fushia]

Elderly man in my book club. (80) Lives alone and I rang him a couple of times a week at beginning of lockdown to check in on him. Took him a few newspapers ( disinfected clothes hanger to put them on) and had regular phonechats. He has phoned me and left voicemails that I feel are inappropriate. “ I noticed that one of the coat hangers was size 8, that must be yours with your lovely frame.” Also about how pretty I looked ( I didn’t.) He liked my hair tied back but likes it too, sweeping my face. My frame is small and petite (14/16!). Discussed meeting up with my brother who is pretty useless and apologised for being unkind - he said “oh I like naughty ladies”I am quite busy with different things going on which I agree must be quite interesting to listen to as he doesn’t go anywhere at present. He will be waiting for me to call this week but I don’t want to. I am thinking about leaving the book club when it starts up again. He’s creepy and it makes me uneasy about how to respond and stop contact. Any advice gratefully received.

Sounds like a dirty old man . He gotta get his kicks somehow and you’re it for now !
I would just laugh it off but that’s because I have a lot of experience with older folk . But if you’re not comfortable then draw a line under it .
They’ll be someone else that can help him .

I'd probably just be straight with him. If you just suddenly cut contact then he may not know why, and will continue to unknowingly sabotage relationships with women who try to help him in future. That would be sad for him.

It may be worth trying to nip it in the bud though, rather than cut him off entirely? Bring it up when he does it, so it's not quite so awkward.

"Nigel, you stop that kind of talk or I'm hanging up!" Kind of jokey but firm. Or just "you need to speaking to me like that, it's inappropriate".

Well done for helping him too, that's very kind of you.

Is there anyone else at the bookclub that could take over? maybe not female.

Dirty old sod. He's trying his charms oit on you. Tell him your husband wouldn't like it when he starts again. Or better still pretend not to hear him . Loses its charm if he has to keep repeating it.

What do you think of the book club aside from him? What are the other participants like? If you enjoy it apart from him then stick with it maybe, unless you'd rather just keep in touch with some of the other participants you like so you can avoid him completely.

If you really like the book club then you could 'just' not be alone with him.

You needn't phone him again- that was your choice from the start. You could leave a present on the doorstep or something with a note saying you have too much on at the minute to be able to phone etc but asking him to take care of himself.

Or you could tell him over the phone that you have too much on to do this now.

I have absolutely no problem with confrontation, so I would tell him very clearly that his comments are inappropriate. If he kicks off, so be it. He can find someone else to help him.

"Nigel, you stop that kind of talk or I'm hanging up!"

This has had me laughing so much that my son's come downstairs to see what's going on.

Awful. I've had similar experience ( with a creepy , horrible old in law), there's nothing that makes you feel like you are going to be sick than being sexualised by someone so much older who should treat you platonically and respectfully.

To the people who could laugh it off , maybe you could give me some hints because I just don't see this man when I'm alone anymore , and the first comment he makes I'm out the door. I don't apologise for my reaction, it's creepy and it's inappropriate. And it's offensive. In my case he's almost 45 years older... And I'm married to a man he's related to.

Sorry, I digress . Just to say, I would come up with an excuse to stop phoning him and just never phone him again. I wouldn't give up the book club unless you feel you have to, only speak to him in company of others and bring up offensive comments immediately. But I totally understand why you're creeped out .

He's 80. He probably thinks he's being charming and debonair. Probably the only way he knows how to relate to women who aren't his DDs or DGDs.
However, if you want to stop contact, do.
I'd probably go the scolding route, though...

Thanks for all your replies. Really appreciate them and it’s good to know that it’s not me being over sensitive. I’ve had a think and decided that next time he rings, I’m going to ask my husband to tell him I’m not in and have let him have a short chat with him. I’ll repeat this for a couple of weeks and then see how the land lies. DH not really bothered about my response to the phone calls - time for him to lend a hand and have a diverting chat with this pervy pensioner! Thanks again for helping me. X