Sleeping apart?

[sohelpmegod]

Anyone elses husband think its okay to fall asleep downstairs and not come to bed?
We have some major relationship problems and I feel that sleeping in the same bed (putting yourself to bed and all that comes with that) is bare minimum if you're trying to make it work?
Anyone got any thoughts on the wider topic of sharing a bed or not sharing a bed and the impact on your relationship? 🙏🏼

I agree OP. My ex used to fall asleep on the sofa pretty much every night then wake up around 3am and come to bed. Sharing a bed is something that was really important to me unless there is a genuine reason why you don’t (snoring, health conditions ect)

I always hated sharing a bed. I put up with it for years as my husband prefers it. Last year I "moved out" of our room temporarily due to back pain and it is utter bliss. I can't see myself ever going back. Some people don't like bed sharing. If it's indicative of deeper issues in your relationship I couldn't say but it's not always.

It depends but I think sometimes a good nights sleep is best when there are problems. And sometimes you just dont get that when next to someone else.

But if you feel it us being used to punish you in some way or that it is exasibating the problem then that would be a problem.

Essentially, the intent behind it would determine things.

I love it when my Husband falls asleep downstairs. No snoring and a superking bed to myself!

DH and I have been sleeping apart since just before lockdown - I snore apparently. Much better night's sleep for both of us and we can get together for a little while on weekend mornings as the young adult DC snore away.

See I get the sleeping apart for sleep, for sure, but when there is so much tension (we had a biiig row couple nights ago) and I'm just like hey, er do you want to try smooth things over? Nope okay

Its mostly when he drinks too, which also drives me fecking insane!!

Guys I'm going to ask something out loud here, but our rows are getting physical.
I am screaming for him to leave me alone and he doesn't get out of my space so I'm pushing him. Never hitting eachother or anything like that, but for sure pushing and I'm theeee least angry/physical person, i'm scared where we are, it's the most horrible thing, but he's not hitting me or anything like that. I just want to know if other people have gone through that or do couples push eachother, is there any 'normality' here? Mega rough patch maybe or is this the end?

Depends on how often really. DH will fall asleep on the sofa sometimes, probably once a month or so, and the only reason it bothers me is because his back hurts afterwards. Plus I love having the bed to myself as a novelty.
I do miss him being there tho and wouldn’t like it if he did it often.

Well don’t talk shit, you clearly are an angry and physical person as you’re physically attacking him. It’s not okay to aggressively lay hands on another person, in any argument. You need to split, and you need help for your anger (maybe he does too, but we don’t know his side).

If you see it as a problem then it's a problem. However sleeping together every night is not necessary for a close and successful relationship IMO. My DW snores - runs in her family - we have slept in separate rooms for years. It has not weakened our relationship and we still have an active sex life. And we sleep better.

@Ughmaybenot i feel its more out of a self defence, i am trying to stop the argument or walk away and he is trying to get in the door of the room im in And i need him away from me

@anothernick That sounds nice, I'm happy for you! Love a mans POV also, thanks for replying!

@anothernick hopefully I've guessed right with the spelling of Nick

Are you retaliating out of frustration because of what he's saying and / or refusing to move out of your space?
You'll get people here saying any physical pushing on either side is abusive. However, Bancroft Lundy and Dan Hennessey maintain a man is generally physically stronger so if he's using that to gain 'advantage' over you, it's abusive on his side.
Lundy states if you are retaliating out of frustration created by his abusive actions and you finally 'break', then to go easy on yourself as this is not you being abusive but rather responding to a difficult situation. Particulary as you are obviously feeling bad about it so it was not done to gain control of the situation but rather gain some breathing space in a difficult situation.

@Justtryingtobehelpful
Thank you for articulating that so well, really appreciate that!

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

For more details:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I suspect he's stonewalling you and punishing you by sleeping on the couch. The trying to push into the room you're in sounds bonkers. That's not okay! That must have been scary.

@Justtryingtobehelpful the last time this happened I was on the toilet and he was coming in to row more and i was screaming at him, i ended up throwing a sponge, just could not get him to leave me alone!

I just want to know about other peoples rows, is this horrific to some people? I'm scared because if this is my new normal I want out! Asap

It really doesn’t sound like the bed sharing / not sharing is the issue.

For what it’s worth, my partner and I often sleep in separate rooms, because he snores and I’m an insomniac. It’s not an issue for us, we lie around in bed together on a weekend morning and both work from home so we have plenty of time together.

Getting enough sleep is more important than any made up ideas about how important sleeping in the same bed is for a relationship. Not that I do get enough sleep, unforch.

However I have been in a vaguely similar situation to you OP, in that I used to dread bedtime when my previous relationship was on its last legs, and would often stay up much later than my boyfriend.

I was on a previous thread ages ago and everyone laid in on the OP without thinking through the power dynamics of the situation. Read the books. Get them on Kindle online so he doesn't know what you're doing. Sounds like there's more going on than what you're fully saying here. Both writers have counselled men so they know what they're taking about....

I'm going to start reading yes! Thank you!

Understanding his problems has bought me empathy for him but think it's time to leave.

Sleeping in the same bed just shows me commitment to change in that it's sleep, everyone does it, I don't see that's any effort to get to bed and if he can't/won't do that then how is the big stuff going to change?

Yeah, trust your instincts. Your mind and body are trying to tell you what the right thing to do is, so listen to them.
I sense you'll find your husband in the Abuser profiles, or a mishmash.
The only thing you can control is your reactions so educate yourself and pay attention to what your reaction is and figure out why....
Remember, keep posting to get support 😁
Good luck!

DP is a massive snorer and an insomniac. He sleeps in the spare room at least once a week so I get a decent sleep. We always sleep apart if one of us has a cold or similar too.

Weekend mornings in bed together with tea and bacon rolls - plus usually the cat - are absolutely non negotiable though.

For what it's worth I don't think think that you sound abusive 😡 just overwhelmed, some people come across very catty
You are here for advice and you are being very honest imo xx

Physically blocking you and refusing to get out of your space is intimidation and is very abusive. My ex used to do this. I was exhausted from him having a go at me and wanted to get away but he wouldn’t let me. Fear and panic tends to make you angry And reactive so if that’s out of character for you then you are not the one who’s abusive. Walking in on you while you are on the toilet!! Add alcohol into the mix! That alone would end it for me.