Is it madness to stay, hoping things will change?

[SometimesLateAtNight]

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We have two small children. (One under 1). For the last year and a half things have been god awful. There’s no violence, no abuse, no infidelity. But also, no attraction, no love, no kindness, no closeness, no patience, and very few occasions where we can talk without it descending into a war. Before we had the kids I would have sworn up and down that he was the love of my life; the other half of me. He is a very good dad, pitches in completely and loves the kids (almost! 😉) as much as I do. So it’s not that he’s been a disappointing parent and it’s shown him in a new light.

Is there any hope for us? I actually don’t want us to separate, not truly, I can’t picture a life without him long term. But I can’t live this way anymore. It’s making me utterly miserable.

Has anyone any experience of such a bad patch turning around? Is this just a lost cause I don’t want to give up on?

Have you tried relationship counselling? It might be that the love has died, or you might have forgotten how to connect.

I'm having the same experience op. No advice, just hugs. I genuinely dont know what to do either 💐

We haven’t tried counselling. We’ve discussed it but that was about six months ago, things have continued to decline since then. Maybe the inaction about starting it even though it’s been brought up more than once is kind of the writing on the wall... or maybe it’s just another sign of how we’ve become so busy and stressed that everything is barely hanging on by a thread.

Superfoodie, I’m sorry you are feeling the same way. Do you have a ‘cause’ you can pinpoint?

I am so split mentally between being, honestly, happier when I’m not around him, and then also, absolutely distraught when I attempt to picture turning 40/50/60 without him, seeing him with someone else, seeing him alone and reduced to a part time dad, which he would absolutely hate. (But would be necessary due to the age of our babies).

I think once it's got past a certain point theres no way back.

Seems strange considering everything has been fine for ten years and now this.

Has there been a trigger OP? Death in the family? Job loss? Depression?

What exactly is the problem? Are you just have these circular arguments?

You don't say why things have so suddenly gone wrong. Did something very significant happen or change 18 months ago or could you possibly both just be suffering from stress and exhaustion and neglect of each other as you both very actively parent young children?

Parenting tiny children is very demanding even on the strongest relationships and I think worn out parents often take out on each other stresses that they wouldn't dream of taking out on their children (or anyone else on the planet for that matter). Also conflict can arise when you have different parenting styles - my DH and I have different parenting styles and it has definitely created problems at times. There have times when we have each got incredibly annoyed with the other because each of us thinks we are so obviously right and the other is so obviously wrong, and why can't they just bloody see that!?

It really came home to me when we were visiting a fairground with our then LOs (now teenagers). At the time, they were probably about 2 and 4, and I was struck by how many of the other parents there with children of a similar age looked tired, stressed out and, above all, profoundly irritated with their co-parent, just as I imagined we looked ourselves. I found it oddly reassuring.

So this may be entirely fixable particularly if things have been good up till now. Do you have help with the children? Could someone babysit while you treat yourselves to an evening out and perhaps try to make that at least a monthly event? Could you leave them with grandparents and grab a weekend away? It sounds like making time for yourselves might be really beneficial here.

With a baby under 1 I wouldn’t give up. Life is tough with such a young baby and it’s get better. Have a read off the book how not to hate your husband after kids.

Thank you everyone, for replying. I often feel so lonely in real life right now with how things are that it’s really quite touching to see people take the time to write back.

We don’t have people who can help unfortunately. My dad is sick and his is an abusive alcoholic, which rules out both sets of grandparents.

There have been additional stresses. My dads illness, which is degenerative. My daughter was unwell for a few months and was in and out of hospital, the worst stress I’ve known in my life. The baby doesn’t sleep well overnight and so we are all exhausted, all the time. We moved house while I was heavily pregnant and are still in the process of finishing the inside never mind the jungle that is the garden. After the birth of my first child I developed pain during penetration and it made a previously happy and active sex life go totally down the pan. Aside from a few months attempting to conceive the baby, we haven’t had sex for nearly 18 months now. I don’t miss it, to the point that the thought of it makes me anxious and squeamish. And for the last few months as we attempt to juggle getting enough sleep with two small kids who take turns waking overnight, we have had separate rooms.

I sometimes think part of the problem has been that we were so similar when we met. We had many shared interests and as a result very quickly did everything together. Interests which weren’t initially shared became shared before long because our tastes and personalities gelled so well. We just tended to enjoy what the other enjoyed. But now, with the kids and little real life support with them, we can’t do anything together. All of the things we loved and had in common are gone. We have to enjoy them one at a time and it’s very much not the same. We both agree completely that our kids are worth anything else- that if the price of having them is our adult happiness and relationship it was still worth it. But my god it’s a high price.

I will try the book recommended, thank you. Anything is worth a try at this point!

What are you arguing about? As others have said, having young DC is very stressful and it's easy to allow them to take over your lives completely and leave you no time for each other. Small gestures such as kissing goodnight or goodbye when going out, telling your DP you love them (even though there may be times when you don't really feel it!) take only seconds and however busy you are there will still be time for them. These small things may sound trivial but they are vital in keeping your relationship alive and reminding each other why you got together in the first place.

Looking back on my relationship (we've been together 30 years, 2 dc now adults) it was these small things, together with a continued sexual desire for each other, which kept us on track through the tough child-rearing years.

OP it sounds as though you've both been through an awful lot and I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. Sounds awful. It sounds like you are both exhausted and stressed and can't even have sex (which is a great stress reliever!) which helps you to retain intimacy.

I would think about relationship counselling. You can do it online at the moment which isn't too much of an inconvenience. Perhaps contact Relate for a bit of a chat. See how you go from there.

OP - you are in the most difficult phase in your marriage. Sleep deprivation and relentlessness of small kids is tough, and it grinds you down.
So - it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is broken.
Your arguments must be the way for both of you to vent frustration and tiredness.

All you need is to try to hang on and survive the a little more. Sleep in separate rooms and tag team nights - is totally OK if it gives each of you a little reprieve. So is doing your hobbies on your own - as each of you needs a break.
All of this is ok if it’s temporary - and you both realise that it is.
It will get better! They will eventually start sleeping and needing you less.