Am I now the abusive one?

[SoAngryAgain]

This is probably going to come out garbled so bare with me.
A year ago I had counselling and she told me my partner was controlling and emotionally abusive. I hate this phrase as it sounds so drastic and it isn't like I'm being beaten or subjected to extreme mental traumas. He always told me I was the controlling and abusive one for not liking certain things he did. He calls me names and always has the upper hand so I can never answer back without "proving" him correct. I do recognise this isn't normal loving behaviours. Anyway I now refuse to communicate. I used to get upset and cry and he just doesn't care. He has no empathy whatsoever.

He now thinks I'm abusive pathetic and immature because I basically ignore him. I give limited answers and refuse to discuss anything other than subjects he wants to talk about e.g. work, cars etc. I have absolutely no desire to discuss our relationship or anything I want to do etc. I just don't see the point. It's gets us nowhere and he gets the upper hand and I just come out looking more crazy. When I see these threads about husbands giving the silent treatment and everyone says LTB he is abusive I think well that's now me. Have I turned into the abusive one?

It's not uncommon when you're in an abusive relationship to start taking on characteristics of abusive behaviour. If you left the situation then the abusive tactics you have began using as a defence mechanism will end.

You say you haven't left because it's not that bad , or not bad enough to leave ....

It literally doesn't get worse than this ( beyond disfigurement or death) , you are completely losing yourself . You are selling your soul to the devil and why? To stay with a man you can't stand.

If you stay , it will get worse , and you will get worse. The difference between you and your husband is you can stop this. He can't.

Leave.

You need to do the freedom programme. There's information about it online.

You are already using a technique called grey rock, look that up too.

He is abusive, you are using survival strategies.

Are you afraid he will hurt you if you try and leave?
Who is DCs main carer?

I relate to your posts so much, even the shutting down. It sounds like you have 'grey rocked'. It's a term people use to deal with narcissists.

My ex never hit me but I cried enough times on the floor wishing he would so I could leave and everyone would understand.

I used to be in the freedom program with people who had been beaten and every single one of them said the emotional abuse was worse. Every single one.

It's not abusive to want to be heard, seen or understood. It's not abusive to have needs and it's not abusive to protect yourself.

You are in pain but you are minimising your hurt. The hurt and anger you feel guide you into changing your life for the better. Shutting down protects you but it keeps you still too.

How old is your dc and why are you still there? Children dont always pick up on words but they do tones and emotions very well.

If you cant get on during a day to day basis without point scoring and no ability to communicate, then why put yourselves through it?

If you don't see it getting better then leave.

The fact you are both labelling each other negative and impacting names says that this viewpoint has been there a long time for you both on either side.

9f either of you really cared, then you both would have put the effort in to stop negative behaviours before it got to this point.

No you’re not abusive- you’re in self preservation mode xx LTB

You're not abusive, you're in a toxic relationship
See if you can stay with your mum and leave him

Instead of worrying who is the abusive one, or whose behaviour is worse just leave

I did care massively and I have done a lot of things to compromise to make things better. Sometimes it does but it never lasts and I do try and stand up for myself which makes things worse.

I know it is easy to say leave but I don't know where to begin. I have seen the "it's not your problem to deal with" but as everything is always my fault it is hard to accept that. I know I sound weak and I am but it is hard to switch that mentality off. It is hard to leave but I don't know why.

"It is hard to leave but I don't know why."

It's because you've been groomed.

Do the freedom programme. He's undermined your sense of self. You need to get it back. You can do it!

Right, without emotions involved atm.

What's the main issues in your relationship? Do you see it getting better.

Staying together for the sake of a child is a bad idea. Hoping things to get better doesn't actually work unless you're both able to identify problems you both cause and fix it. Do you want to fix it?

Have you got much real life support?