Mother-in-Law Constantly Undermining me

[ReasonablyUnreasonable]

Hi All,

Think I just need a bit of a rant, and perhaps some advice as to how to stop it bothering me!

My MIL is quite a domineering character. I love her, but she isn't the sort of person I would choose to be friends with, IYSWIM.

I've been with my DP for about 3 years, and I know that my MIL loves me because she has told me that she believes I saved her sons life (which means a lot to me).

She is one of those people that will ask you a question, but will have already answered it for you, e.g. 'Reasonably, you like the football more now, don't you?' when I still dislike watching the football.

More recently, I think I have become more confident in myself and feel that I can honestly give my opinion to her about things. But I've found that she now needs to undermine anything I say!

For example, she keeps inviting us into her house at the moment, and we keep politely declining (we are happy to visit in the garden, but she isn't sticking to guidelines and is seeing all her friends). At the weekend, we were in her garden and she asked if we wanted to come in, because, apparently, the dog needs to know that she is welcome in her house (slightly bizarre reasoning, but okay!). I explained that we are sticking to guidelines because of DP being at risk and also my own DM, and she did her standard 'okay'ing. She then tried to get my DSS to go into the house (thankfully he is older and clearly knew that we didn't want to go in). She then tried to get DP to go into the house to watch the football highlights. Literally moments after us explaining our situation!

There is a lot of things like this at the moment, like her telling me how my dog is feeling or what she likes, when she doesn't actually know anything about the dog. Or when my DSS is talking about school and I give him some advice (I was in school a lot more recently than my DP) and she then gives totally opposite advice and whispers it like it is their secret. It is so infurtiating!

I know that this all sounds so trivial, but when it happens every time I see her, it bothers me! Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the rest of the time with her, but it is just such hard work!!

Crikey. I can't see a problem here but I guess if you don't like what she does then you are free to have a rant. Good job people have in-laws to bitch about. If it's any consolation she's probably ranting about you being a know-it-all not listening to her opinions!

I mean I think it sounds like you need to build relationship with her a bit gradually and so take a step back and slowly work on your confidence and so on.

This doesn’t sound like something you should fall out over but certainly you might need to be more formal with her if beinf urself is causing your ill feelings.

She doesn’t sound nasty. Just a bit pushy

She is an individual with quirks. So are you. Remember, younger women today are the mother in laws of the future

Does she care about you? Would she help you out?
If yes, just grit your teeth. I bet she's like this with lots of people.
If no, stop visiting / engaging too much with her.

Sounds like you’ve just explained my mother in law. She does very similar things! Drives me insane! Sorry I’m not much help haven’t got any advice. I try to just ignore it she does things to just annoy me!

@Bolloxx I realise it doesn't sound like much of a problem, but it gradually grinds you down! The world would be a very boring place if everyone had the same opinion. I think maybe my examples were poor.

@1ForAllnAllFor1 I think I used to be formal with her and she didn't seem that taken with me. She's been a lot more open with me since I became a bit more friendly (opposed to formal) but she's also become more controlling. She literally made plans for us with other people last week and didn't tell us until the day before!

@screwthedoldrums I am more than happy for quirks!

@DailyDuckie Thank you for your understanding!

@Livandme She definitely cares about me and I care about her. She usually helps out, but she has told me a lot that now she is in her 60s it is her time and she won't just be around to help her children and grandchildren out. For example, the very first time my DP and I went away for the night, she had my DP's son for us. She was supposed to have him all Sunday, but got bored at midday so we had to get back early to pick him up. Not a massive deal, just a little disappointing as it was our first time away together.

I know that my MIL loves me because she has told me that she believes I saved her sons life (which means a lot to me)
What did you rescue him from?

She's a clever manipulator who plays the "harmless/concerned/absent minded" facade very well.
She's projected her own controlling tactics onto you and is emotionally manipulating you into viewing yourself in the 'rescuer' role so you're always playing peacemaker/compromising....naturally, she's keen to keep on like a broken record to wear you down/cause arguments or tension until you give in

@monkeymonkey2010 He has been through some serious health problems (has two brain tumours) and has had years of going through court to see his child. At the point I came into his life, she thought that he was going to end it all. She isn't really an emotional person, but she cried when she told me this, so I do believe she thinks I've lifted him up.

Thank you so much for your perspective. It is really interesting and I think you might be right. I didn't think I was easily walked over, but having read your post I think I probably do try to keep the peace and compromise a lot more than I would in other situations with other people, even my own family.