Can I separate like this?

[willthisworkout]

I want me and my husband to separate. However, I am very dependent on him for childcare - I leave for work before childcare settings open - I have no other support. I also can't afford to buy or rent a place of my own. My husband would never agree to move out of the house or to sell it and give me my share. I can't really afford a big divorce fight, nor do I have the energy for this. A room for rent has come up near us. I figure we could rent it, and he could live in it half the week, and me the other half. Meaning the kids would get to keep living in our house full -time. It also means my husband could come over in the mornings to look after the kids whilst I go to work. There are lots of details to work out - but is this a reasonable idea or a crazy one? My husband has refused for a long time now to accept the relationship is over, but if I could sell this to him, it may be a way of gradually getting him to accept things are over.

Honestly no I don't think he will accept it. Sounds like a bad plan. Maybe you need to look for a job with better hours and then think about separating.

Honestly I can’t see that working sorry

There’s so much potential for arguments, who’s sleeping where and when, plus would be very unsettling for both of you and your children.

A clean simple break would be best, although it doesn’t seem fair on either of you for one person to be in room to rent whilst the other stays in the family home.

|I'm very unlikely to find a job where I can really afford to separate though, certainly not within commutable distance to the kids' schools. It seemed to me this would be the least unsettling option for the children.

This has disaster written all over it op.

What if he just refuses to move to the flat on his day?
Or has women back for sex there are you comfortable with that? Or leaves a mess?

Whp does childcare after school? I guess the option would be you leave and move into the flat, he stays in the house and does school runs, you take kids back to the house if it's usually you that does it, then leave when he gets there and split the weekends

I pick the kids up after school. I don't want to move out of the house permanently. I would have nowhere to take the kids at the weekends on the day off for a start, plus I'd be in VERY insecure accommodation.

If he agrees to it, I think it would be a good idea for the kids. The hassle of bagging all their stuff up for drop offs would be a killer for me.
A good friend of mine is currently working this arrangement with her ex and it seems to be working so far for them.

Hi @willthisworkout I am about to embark on a plan like this next week, albeit with a rented flat nearby rather than a room. Personally yes, I feel that it will be less unsettling for the kids and will allow us all some time to adjust to the new situation. We did live like this for a couple of months prior to lockdown, and overall it worked very well. I know there will be irritations (after all we will be sharing 2 living spaces rather than just one!) so I see it as more of a medium-term solution, whilst I sort finances out (sale of inherited house) and increase my hours at work, both of which will hopefully put me in a better position for a more permanent arrangement.

I know someone who has done this successfully for a few years, though they each have a flat. It's called Bird Nesting. But it involves both parties being onboard and they have a simple week about arrangement. Your child care needs sound like they'd make it a lot more complex. Do you really think your hopefully stbxh would be willing to come over every weekday morning that falls on your days to do childcare? Another interim option might be to separate under 1 roof. Have you looked to see if you'd be entitled to any support if you separate? Could you afford a nanny/babysitter for the mornings and potentially split the week, might need to wait till lockdown is over. So you do just for example every Saturday afternoon to Wednesday afternoon/morning so you'd need to pay for 2 or 3 mornings for someone to look after kids and rent separate rooms or a 2 bed flat you can swap in and out of. This would still require him to be on board but potentially less changes and less chance of issues arising. If you swapped early Wednesday morning would only need to pay for 2 mornings of care. I'd have a look and work out all your options and be realistic about what you think he might get on board with.

There is no way I could afford a babysitter.

I have tried separating under one roof - it is meant to be like that now, but he just won't accept we are no longer a couple. He may come over to look after the kids in the morning as he really likes spending time with them. The hardest thing is getting him to accept it is OVER.

You are MARRIED .. therefore he doesn't have a choice about divorce and giving you half the value of the house !!! Get yourself over to the 'legal' topic and find out how you do this. !!

The WHOLE POINT of the marriage contract means that you have a 'share' of the property.

If you weren't married you would be in a tricky situation. But you aren't . ..

If nothing else get yourself on to 'wikidivorce' and it will explain how you get divorced and you entitlement.

@GhostOfMe

I know someone who has done this successfully for a few years, though they each have a flat. It's called Bird Nesting. But it involves both parties being onboard and they have a simple week about arrangement. Your child care needs sound like they'd make it a lot more complex. Do you really think your hopefully stbxh would be willing to come over every weekday morning that falls on your days to do childcare? Another interim option might be to separate under 1 roof. Have you looked to see if you'd be entitled to any support if you separate? Could you afford a nanny/babysitter for the mornings and potentially split the week, might need to wait till lockdown is over. So you do just for example every Saturday afternoon to Wednesday afternoon/morning so you'd need to pay for 2 or 3 mornings for someone to look after kids and rent separate rooms or a 2 bed flat you can swap in and out of. This would still require him to be on board but potentially less changes and less chance of issues arising. If you swapped early Wednesday morning would only need to pay for 2 mornings of care. I'd have a look and work out all your options and be realistic about what you think he might get on board with.

I do think if you're going to do it, you each need your own room and bed. For a start I don't change my bed sheets twice a week but you'd have to agree the incoming person always puts new sheets on or vice versa, and the idea of him bringing a random back and fucking her in bed you're sleeping in

It's called nesting. Although a room seems a little restrictive and would people who live there also mind?
This has to be something you discuss with your husband. It only works if you are both 100% on the same page. And I feel it really only works until one of you meets someone else.

no op it won't work. i'm afraid that you will have to bite the bullet and change your life if you want to separate and do it in a way which will allow you both to live separately

and i day this as someone who lived 18 months with. their ex until we sold the house, we are great friends now but that nearly killed us

Ex and I were going to try a similar arrangement. Not possible with our history but is an option for some couples. Was my preferred option for less disruption to dc

OP - if he doesn’t want to accept you are done - and you are saying he won’t want to move out anyway - there is NO way he’ll agree to something like this.
And as others said - you don’t have to move - and please under no conditions move out before any settlement is achieved.

Legally - half of all assets is yours - so it doesn’t matter if he agrees it doesn’t agree to sell. He’ll have to eventually.
But you’ll need to make a decision - what you really want and can live with.
Currently you are trying to arrange something where you benefit from keeping him around in some shape, to make your life easier.
It doesn’t work like this. Divorce normally leads to people fending for themselves. You have to count on yourself only for the times when kids are with you, and vice versa.
And in many cases - people become strangers and there is animosity of sorts.
You imagine some sort of cooperation. And, at least initially - it’s not likely.

Contact Women’s aid and see what options you have regarding representation.
And then -I’ll just file myself and represent myself if i have I had to.
Or - if he has assets - there is a way for your representation to be coveted by him.
And as to being separated under one roof - again - not his choice. Just tell him you are done and start behaving accordingly.

But in the end of the day - there is what money there is - and you’ll need to see what sort of life you can have with half of assets, your income and Child support he’ll have to pay (check CMS website to get an idea) - and you might have to change your assumptions - May have to change jobs, or kids change schools if you can’t afford the current area. Everybody’s be poorer and life will change.
It’s a choice of what you gain vs what you lose. Only you know what want.