Did your dh ever compare you with your buddies during an argument?

[Flyingfish2019]

Because sometimes mine does and tells me basically they are far more respectful, loyal, less backstabbing and so on.... and no, I do not think that I am especially backstabbing.

Happened several times during arguments and he often ended up concluding that I do not get him anyway so why even talk to me.

With your friends? Or his? How the fuck would he know? And what’s with the misogynistic bullshit? Respectful? Backstabbing? Are these characteristics applied to men? He would fuck right off if he were in my life.

They are basically buddies of both of us but more his buddies than mine... and actually the ones he compared me with are male.
So basically told me our male buddies are less backstabbing then me, more respectful and loyal.

On several occasions - during several arguments over several things.

Sometimes I was offended I yelled at him “Oh, then go and marry John. Go and marry Tom“.

But would he accuse a man of being disrespectful or backstabbing? It is so disgustingly misogynistic. I hate twats like that. Why are you with him again?

Never once in 30 years has mine mentioned friends in any if our disagreements.

Leave him. He has a low opinion of you. That will never change and it will be reflected in the day to day way that he treats you.
I wish I had realised this 15 years ago as I wouldn't be where I am now.

Sounds like he might know some of these buddies better than he should or in the least be wishing he did . Is it possible he’s crushing on one of them in particular . I agree the terms are horribly Mach and mysogynistic. It also sounds like he is wishing he was with one of the to me. I’m sorry this is happening to you , it sounds horrible.

@Sheenais Yes, I think he would accuse a man of being backstabbing (well, if he is). There was that guy working under him who totally didn’t have the back of his work mates and dh couldn’t stand him. However I am not backstabbing. Why do you think it is mysigonistic. Not sure if I understand because I hate him comparing me to our friends but think their gender doesn’t matter.

@Crossroads19 Could you tell me more about your experience?

@Roughtseas: They are married with children and no, I don’t think so. I hope not and really don’t think so.

I told my dh I want to separate 6 weeks ago. Things fell apart last year when I had the awful realisation that he doesn't trust or respect me. He is controlling towards me and often says very unkind things. He has form for comparing me to my own friends in order to knock my confidence and it has worked, but I see it for what it is now.
I have spent my entire adult life trying to prove to this man that I'm a good person and worthy of his affection when he treats me with utter contempt. My marriage is not a partnership, I am not an equal. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader, not the person to knock you down and make you feel shit about yourself.

Happened several times during arguments and he often ended up concluding that I do not get him anyway so why even talk to me
Well then why is he with you at all?
You don't get him.
How long have you been together?
Do you have DC together?
If not then just get out.
He is trying to make you feel like shit by comparing you to others.
You don't put someone down that you love.

Ok well that’s good . I hope not too . I think the reason it comes across as mysogynistic is that terms like respectful loyal and backstabbing tend to be used much lore frequently I. Relation to expectations places on women than men . I understand what your saying about his friend at work but I think people are talking in context of the expectation of wives to ‘ respect’ husbands whilsts this has never been part of the marriage vows Traditionally required of men . Women being called backstabbing links in with that whole stereotypical view of women being bitchy

Having said that I have to agree with hellbells . He’s not your biggest cheerleader and that’s exactly what he should be . If he feels your such a horrible person he really has no right being with you and wasting your time, certainly not attacking you like that

@Crossroads19 Did you really say he had a form for comparing you with others or was that a typo. Sounds horrible.

@hellsbellsmelons We have been together for eight years. We have four children. Why is he with me? He cannot marry his superior male buddies like “John“ or “Tom“, can he? No, typically we get along well but sometimes...

Not buddies but I often used to get 'all the other wives'... (generally followed by a list of all the ridiculous things the other wives apparently 'let' their husbands do. None of which appeared to be true when I asked the wives)

The bit about him not being your biggest cheerleader is the bit that got me jn the end. He'd tell all his mates how terrible I was, tell me how terrible I was and how amazing all the other wives are, and then was still shocked when I left him.

No, never.

I don’t understand why he would be bringing them up during an argument.

A particularly nice ex of mine once told me he was only with me so he could try and get an opportunity to try it on with my fit friend. What a charmer.

@Flyingfish2019 sorry I think it may be a localism, if you have form for something it just means you have a tendency or habit of doing something, ie it's not a one off. He doesn't have an actual form, I think that would be a bit much, even for him
We have 2 dc. I feel awful about it all but I would never want them to replicate what this marriage has become.

Pheeew, I thought he really had a form .