Forgiving texting

[TaraW20]

A year ago I found my husband messaging flirty messages to a person from work and he admitted to being flirty with her at work but nothing more happened which I do believe. The texts were just flirty nothing sexual from what I seen but I dont know what went on at work. We were going thru a crap time and weren't talking but even before that when he started he would come home and say she had been telling the guys at work sob stories about being cheated on and looking for comfort which did ring alarm bells with me about her but didnt ever think this of my dh. I later found out(before I found out about the flirting) that she does go about sleeping with guys with partners and doesnt care so I know she was fishing for attention and what her motives were. My DH says he regrets it but it was just nice to get attention off someone as we were bearly talking.

I class this as cheating he doesnt. What would you class it as? I constantly think how long or how far would it have gone if I never seen the messages. I wasnt even snooping. I was using his phone to sort out something to do with our son(with his permission) and the message popped up from her so I was in complete shock.

I have tried to forgive and forget but it's all resurfaced and I think about it constantly again. I really love him and am trying anything to stay because I do want to but it's so hard. Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone went thru anything similar?

It’s cheating or a precursor to it. So when you go thru a difficult time in the future that’s what he’ll do, his default is not to repair the relationship with you it’s to get his kicks elsewhere.

Would he be happy with you messaging another man like that then? Of course not. It's definitely cheating. Are you sure you want to stay with him?

I wouldn’t say it’s cheating. It’s inappropriate but I wouldn’t end a marriage over mike flirting.

Mild*

I guess it doesn't really matter what you call it. What matters is if you can move on from it. Let's call it 'pre-cheating'. Does that make any diff in how you feel? It's still a betrayal. Wether it's one you can move on from, it's entirely up to you and how he works to regain your trust.

To him it’s not cheating so where is the problem. There is no problem. If he does it again, he still won’t be cheating to him....

The question is more where is it limit?

Where is his* limit?

Hi OP, I have been through similar. I’m biased here as it happened again...and again... and it was the disrespect and lying which broke my trust. The problem is if he doesn’t see it as cheating what’s to stop him doing it again?

Only you know him, but I’d advise making sure he knows how you feel and that he is breaking your trust by doing this. If he does it again, whether it’s cheating or not, you have an incompatibility/ lack of respect there which you have to decide whether you can live with. Good luck OP.

If my dh needed his ego massaging from another woman he would be out the door.

I found out my exH had been flirting with another woman by text (her pissed off husband told me). I forgave him at the time as he said similar to your husband. It did change they way I saw him though and the 100% trust I had in him was gone.

Fast forward a year, he cheated (different woman) we are now divorced. It made me look back on the texting incident and I realised at the time the intent was there. Had she been up for it he probably would have cheated back then.

I’m not saying this will happen to you. This is a wake up call. If you want to your marriage to work perhaps have some counselling. The issue will keep resurfacing until it is dealt with. If he is genuinely sorry and you both want to stay together it can be done. Good luck

Hey thanks everyone for the comments.

I do want to try and save our marriage but at this stage I dont see how. It keeps going thru my head... what if I never let on straight away? How far would it of went?

I think what's worse is I feel like he wins out out it and I'm the one that's worse off. Like I feel like I have to keep him satisfied if that makes sense and am making all the effort to fix things

It’s cheating. I had a texting “thing” with a married man. It went on for two and a half years. He’d text me good morning and good night most days and we would chat through most evenings, mainly about his family and life generally. He never once mentioned his wife, but I knew he was married. He insisted we were just good friends and there was no harm in what he was doing, even when he would initiate flirting and sexual texts to me. In the end, I told him to block me or I’d let his wife decide whether she thought we were just good friends. He blocked me pretty sharpish!
I’d ask him if he thought his texting other women meant that his marriage was far from ok, or I’d ask whether he thought his wife would be hurt if she knew what he was doing... his reply was always, I don’t know or we’re just friends! This man was manipulative and a classic narcissist. I imagine he was also texting other women and possibly physically cheating with them. I hope you don’t find my story upsetting, but I feel it’s important for you to know how some men can seek out these texting “friendships” he didn’t see it as cheating because we didn’t ever physically have sex.
I massively regret ever replying to his very first, seemingly innocent text.

He needs to stop doing this to you.