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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just had sex with my ex. FML.

48 replies

RebeccaPearson · 29/06/2020 00:34

Yup. Went to a small bbq. Knew he’d be there and was nervous about seeing him. I shouldn’t have gone really.

He got talking to a (female) friend of the host I don’t know. He’s good looking and charismatic and successful. They were laughing together and I couldn’t stop watching them. I dunno. We weren’t compatible and I didn’t think I fancied him any more but apparently this is not the case 😬 God it’s like a bad romcom isn’t it. Long story short, we got talking by the fucking fire pit (and I engineered it all. It was like I wanted to prove something? I don’t know) and it was all so romantic and the alcohol was flowing and urgh. What an idiot.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 29/06/2020 09:06

Awww. Hope you're okay.

dottiedodah · 29/06/2020 09:09

Take a few days to think things over? Not relevant really but just reading about Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom!

RebeccaPearson · 29/06/2020 09:23

I am ok. I feel really rough today 😣 But that’s my own fault.

Of course we went somewhere private 😂 We went back to mine I only live round the corner from where the bbq was.

OP posts:
JesmondDene · 29/06/2020 09:31

Reassess - do you really want to be with him?
Maybe the issues that caused you to opt out aren't really that important. We change, distance and perspective are a good thing. Maybe you can see his other qualities which outweigh those that made you leave.

Would it help to share on here the reasons you broke up, gain some perspective?

AlternativePerspective · 29/06/2020 09:35

OP you can make a recovery and still go back. What were the reasons you split? If you were both sad about it, and both still loved each other at the time the reasons may not feel so bad when you look back.

Also, do you think he wants you back?

Whysomanyexcuses · 29/06/2020 10:06

I also wonder if you could both make it work..... you say you wanted different things - how different - children (one did and one didn't) or work wise or lifestyle wise?

You never know it could work?

RebeccaPearson · 29/06/2020 10:17

I dunno I can’t stop thinking about him today but I need to take some time I think. I’ve never been able to have no-strings sex. I always overthink it. But I am aware of that and trying not to do that here.

I guess our backgrounds are quite different. His mum loathes me and I don’t really know why. I have never been anything but nice and smiley with her but she says I’m “stuck up”. He did stick up for me (not enough) and it didn’t really bother me so much but I ultimately felt that I can’t marry in to that. He said he felt terrible but she was his mum and I guess he wasn’t prepared to fall out with her over it. She was a single parent and it was just the two of them for a long time.

It actually helps to go back over this. She would be a nightmare if we ever had children 😳

OP posts:
RebeccaPearson · 29/06/2020 10:22

We both wanted children but I want to travel first and he’s not so bothered about that. He’s also a total workaholic. His work is his life.

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 29/06/2020 13:07

Don't worry about it - as you say you engineered it, you were in control. And you enjoyed it! It sounds from your most recent posts that you know it wouldn't have worked out between you, and there's some residual sadness - that's natural. Maybe it was a last goodbye? x

RebeccaPearson · 29/06/2020 14:07

Yes I just wish I could stop thinking about it. I’m so tempted to text him. Argh where has this come from!

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 29/06/2020 14:20

Honestly? I would text him and suggest that you have a talk.

You have now both spent time apart, you both know the issues that were keeping you from staying together. Those issues don’t sound insurmountable to me. If he was prepared to stick up for you against his mother then that’s the hardest battle. The other things are short term issues which you could potentially work through. You both want children, but the travel is a short term one for you and in all honesty, in the current climate travelling probably isn’t a realistic goal anyway.

Don’t just let him go because you feel that given you broke up you have to stay broken up.

At the very least see how he feels and take it from there.

Elbels · 29/06/2020 14:28

Don't be embarrassed, the only reason I'm getting married is because I hooked up with an ex 5 years ago after having a catch up drink and we realised that we actually rather liked each other still!

PicsInRed · 29/06/2020 14:44

My guess is that he flirted in front of you to draw you back in. A Hoover.

His mum loathes me

Yep, don't get back together. Well done on calling the situation and putting an end to it.

I don’t really know why.

They're enmeshed and she sees him as her surrogate husband. It's a known dysfunctional family dynamic.

I have never been anything but nice and smiley with her but she says I’m “stuck up”. He did stick up for me (not enough)

No future in that.

...it didn’t really bother me so much but I ultimately felt that I can’t marry in to that.

Excellent choice.

He said he felt terrible but she was his mum and I guess he wasn’t prepared to fall out with her over it. She was a single parent and it was just the two of them for a long time.

Enmeshment. You would always be second best, she'll always call the shots and your life will be horrid if you have kids with him. There's also the risk that he totally falls apart when she dies. Total mid life crisis.

It actually helps to go back over this. She would be a nightmare if we ever had children 😳

Yeah, she'll see them as his and her kids with you as the usurper. As she already sees you.

Well done on taking the hard choice for a happy life. So many of us should have been braver! One mistaken night, it happens, run and keep running. 💐

jessstan2 · 29/06/2020 14:45

Rebecca: Of course we went somewhere private 😂 We went back to mine I only live round the corner from where the bbq was.
...
That's alright then. Nobody actually knows what happened, they are only speculating.

I hope you feel a bit better by now and understand what you mean by overthinking. Wait and see if he contacts you again, you both sound like nice people who just weren't right for each other at that time. Circumstances change though.

PicsInRed · 29/06/2020 14:45

Yes I just wish I could stop thinking about it. I’m so tempted to text him. Argh where has this come from

Your life's happiness depends on you not doing that.

gnushoes · 29/06/2020 14:52

Hope you social distanced throughout :D

B9008 · 29/06/2020 15:14

@PicsInRed

Spot on.

There are thousands of men out there who you will be suited to. Don’t fixated on this one. His mum sounds a nightmare and she always will be.

Would you have texted him before seeing him yesterday? If the answer is no then for your own good, leave it alone.

RebeccaPearson · 29/06/2020 16:59

I haven’t texted him. It’s a bad idea.

OP posts:
Soconfused1980 · 29/06/2020 21:28

Maybe just text him “I’m ok are you?” He sounds nice to check up on you afterwards. Even if you don’t want to get back together maybe just let him know you are ok x

Gulabjamoon · 29/06/2020 21:37

I read the thread title as ‘Just had sex with my ex. FIL’ so your OP already sounds a lot better!

ballsdeep · 30/06/2020 10:13

Aww op! I'm rooting for you, I love a bit of romance ♥️

MorrisZapp · 30/06/2020 10:17

I couldn't be friends with the kind of woman who sees her ex looking hot at a barbecue and doesn't shag him.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 30/06/2020 10:34

I think social distancing went out of the window Grin

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