100 days of being alone .....

[TheresGotToBeMoreToLife]

... well actually it's a lot longee than than but 100 days since lockdown began. I've been single for nearly a year and am a single mum of my 2 sons but the recent exceptional circumstances of lockdown has really highlighted the isolation and loneliness that have now gradually crept in as part of my normal life.

I have found lockdown incredibly hard. I enjoy being around people and being home not working, has been so so hard. In the same breath I am also very anxious about returning to work and reintegrating into normal life.

I am so sad about the way my life has worked out and find myself wondered if this is my lot. I want to experience love again but online dating has been fruitless and I dont know enough people in real life who might matchmake me. The whole thing just makes me sad and lonely. With talk of a 'new normal' that seems as though it may involve at least some level of isolation for a lot longer, the opportunity to meet someone new seems really limited.

I've gone to the darkest point I think I could reach just this last week. Maybe I just need a hand-hold.

They are 7 and almost 3.

Sorry you're feeling like this OP. I know it's not the same but do you have friends you can reach out to? Maybe go on a socially distanced walk? When I was struggling I found some face to face contact helped. When things are a little more 'normal' can you look to expand your social circle? I used the meet up app before lockdown and will definitely do so again. Its not aimed at dating but meeting new friends may open new opportunities to meet potential dates. Sending a hand hold 💐

It’s so tough right now. My local community has a support group for people in isolation and phone numbers to call to help. Is there anything in your local area you can reach out to? I live alone without children and I schedule in zoom calls everyday with various friends which helps enormously and walk around the village and chat. Lockdown has eased so thankfully I can meet up in gardens now. Hope you find some solace soon.

Sorry it’s so shit. But why aren’t you meeting with friends or family?

Thank you to those of you who have replied. To answer ..

I've done a couple of zoom calls. I guess my situation is that I dont have a best friend and I'm not ever anybody's first choice. I've never felt that I quite fitted in with anyone especially since I became divorced. The 3 girls I had a zoom call with recently all went to the beach together his week with their husbands and children but they didnt ask me. I saw from their instagram photos. I feel like since I've become a single mum I dont fit in with their more traditionally perfect lives and they tend to leave me out. I didnt think I have any horrible personality traits but I'm thinking again now....

My family is small (mum, dad, brother) and they are all key workers so I havent seen much of them in the last 3 months. They are supportive but quiet and keep themselves to themselves really.

Everyone knows I am alone with the children. In fact shopping was really difficult at the start of lockdown with 2 children but there weren't really any offers of support. I guess I have lots of acquaintances but those people will probably assume I have closer friends than them, when in reality I dont.

From the outside I think people think I'm doing ok. I have a successful job and give the illusion of coping with life but the reality is very different and had I not had my children with me these last 100 days I am certain I would have taken the decision to end my life by now.

Have a virtual hand hold from me

Have you spoken to anyone about your suicidal thoughts. Have you spoken to your mum?

2 boys under 10 is hard work. Plus you've done it through lockdown and with a job. You sound amazing and I bet they think you're the best mum in the world.

Thank you Peleton. I just feel I moan at them all the time. The miserable weather is making it so much harder to motivate them (and myself!) at the moment and being stuck indoors is doing very little for my mental health.

I did have a text conversation with someone at Papyrus about my thoughts and I was seeing a counsellor before lockdown but that stopped because I couldnt continue with their new appointments (phone appointments) when I have the children 24/7.

Hi OP. I know how hard it is to be single with children (and more so during lockdown). I have 2 boys also and am juggling working from home and getting them to do school work. I get very little help from their dad who grudgingly has them every other weekend. I do have good friends although a lot of them are married/in relationships. My family live quite far away too. Sometimes you feel like you're forgotton when you're single. I'm actually dreading life going back to normal because then everyone will be socialising with their other half again and it will be harder dealing with being single again.
I know its hard but maybe you have to start reaching out to people more. If a lot of people just assume you're ok then tell them you're not. I bet even the 'aquaintances' will surprise you.
Is their Dad still involved?

Sorry to hear how low you are feeling OP.

I know how it feels to be lonely and feel trapped in the house with 2 kids. I've been single for 14 years with 2. Mine are older now so they have basically ignored me during lockdown. I have a newish BF bit I can see today I've become too reliant on him over lockdown and I need to reach out to others and rely on myself a bit more.

Any lockdown support groups in your area? Local Facebook pages?

Oh op. I’m so sorry you feel like this.
I think your main aim now is to make friends. Make it a priority, it’s harder as you’re older but it can be done it just takes work.
So hobbies? In this case it’s positive that you’re only looking for a friend so you can do a female centred one.

Get some childcare: this you can ask from an acquaintance on a swapsy basis!

Do a short 6 week course that you enjoy. Or a general hobby. Engage with people. JOIN committees. Ask people out for a drink/coffee after. Make yourself available.

I was in your shoes minus the children after a shocking marriage where I left with virtually no friends. And it’s taken me 3 years, but I now have some friends. Not a lot. But o probably would have seriously thought of topping myself if I was in lockdown 3 years ago.

I now don’t, even though it’s been hard I don’t want to die. And I have some friends.
X

Of course you moan at them all the time. You're human. They're human.

At their ages all they'll remember from lockdown are one or two exciting memories about how exciting it was.

As soon as things get back to 'normal' they'll be distracted with friends and playing again. And the only thing they need from you is a constant, loving, moaning mum in their lives. You're perfect to them I promise!

If I was in your situation I'd write a list of things I want to do in the next 1/3/6/12 months that will help me feel better. But then I'm a list person!!

Hi op I can totally relate, lock down does really magnify how lonely you are and people just don’t realise not everyone has loads of friends and family, I don’t really have any friends, a few acquaintances but not really anyone I can meet up with, family is limited and both are shielding so meeting up is difficult. You are not alone

I can 100% empathise. My children are 8 and 5.

Complicated relationship with their dad but essentially I am a single mum for all intents and purposes.

I miss just having someone to talk to of an evening, have a glass of wine with after a busy day. I miss the physical affection from a partner.

I also 'know' people but don't have real friends so would never get an invitation to do things.

Lockdown has really hammered home how alone I am. It's quite sobering really. And social media doesn't help but it's my only link to the outside world. No advice but

I so agree with the person higher up who said to do a course. There are lots of Level 2 courses which are free online or via open learn there are a ton of free courses. They've been a life saver for me, and I wish I had done them when my children were your age tbh as there's lots of stuff about parenting and anxiety and I wish I'd known it 10 years ago. (hindsight is so gorgeous!)

I was also treated as weirdo when I was single and wasn't invited to places, unless it was out of pity. As Oscar wilde said "I don't want to be a part of any club that'd have me" (or something like that) - which is what I went by.

It's difficult when the kids are young and you're by yourself. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (and stroppier and more alcohol dependent, I found. so ignore me!)

Good luck with things.
Oooh - fantasy bidding on ebay used to keep me alert! put in the highest bid you can without winning. HOURS of entertainment. HOURS, I tell you!!!

Just to add
I met one of my now best friends on a course. And she was in the same boat as me.
And we both didn’t have “childhood friends”
100% there are friends out there for you.
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