Hi everyone, I don’t really know how to word this or ask it.. or even make much sense of it. One of those things that I’m unsure whether it’s happening or in my head. Or am I the one doing it??
So for a while now I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, I had CBT about a year ago or so then began counselling sessions with someone else. Since speaking to my counsellor every week I have begun to notice a pattern in the things I speak about ... more so, who, I speak about.
A couple of years ago my DP (been together for approx 15 years and have a child), almost left me because I wasn’t having as much sex with him as he wanted. He’d get angry with me, sleep on the sofa, make a real point of being pissed with me but without actually telling me what the issue is. He’d literally go all day without speaking to me the following day too ... then that evening try again. Oh course, I’m walking on eggshells at this point so why would I want to have sex with him?! So it’d just be this continuous cycle until I gave in, then he’d be all happy about it. It took a lot for him to actually tell me what the issue was but then would say things like ‘I can’t help feeling this way, it’s frustrating. The feeling won’t go away’. Anyway, we had a big row over this and I shared how it made me feel ect. Since then, it hasn’t happened (as seriously as before), it does still happen but not as ‘big’ as it was. I still feel as though I’m walking on egg shells and have a horrible feeling every time he tells me he’ll come to bed at the same time as me - from past experiences, he mostly does that when he wants something. He tries it most mornings too. Again, gets a bit huffy when he doesn’t get what he wants. Throughout the day he’ll sometimes be off with me and snappy with our daughter. I then have the added guilt of my not-doing-it with him, causing upset for my daughter. I usually end up giving in just to make life easier for us all, rarely because I want it. Him kissing or touching me makes me cringe.
So that’s one thing. The next I’ll give an example of because I’m unsure how to describe it:
Me: I’m meeting my sister at XYZ this evening
Him: Go out to spend more money then?
Me: No, to get out the house for a bit (this was very recent since the shops re-opened).
Him: But you’ll buy something though. You’re buying too much at the minute.
Me: So you want me to cancel then?
Him: No, you can do whatever you want!
I can’t remember exactly word for word it went, but it went in a similar way to the above. At this point I felt guilty about going, I didn’t particularly want to buy anything, just wanted a catch up with my sister and to do something other than sit in front of the tv all night. But I considered cancelling .. one, to make him feel guilty for basically telling me not to spend money .. or go? I’m not sure. And two, I was questioning myself as to whether I have been buying too much and maybe not realising? In the end I went anyway, but didn’t buy anything other than a snack on the way out. When I walked in, he didn’t ask me if I enjoyed being out or how my sister was ect. He asked what I bought. When I said nothing he accused me of lying - but in a sarcastic way of course. Everything is sarcastic and when he says something nasty, he’ll go ‘I’m only joking’ or ‘god, you can’t take a joke’. I’m forever doubting myself and worrying that I’m doing the wrong thing.
Whenever I talk about what I want to do (we work together currently but I don’t enjoy the line of work, even though it pays really well. I want to go in to something which pays nothing in comparison but I genuinely love), he gives me every reason not to do it and why it won’t work and will list out the things I won’t be able to buy or not be able to go on holiday ect ... One minute he’ll be semi-supportive of my ideas, but changes his mind quickly.
I ran my own business for a while but got massively stressed with it and at the time he told me ‘I earn enough, give it up’. With our newest venture, almost everything is in his name (property) because I can’t get finance. So all money goes to him. Everything is named to him. I am financially reliant on him. I literally have nothing in my name apart from one property which is joint with someone else. Yet, I’m the one working 90% of the time to gain these properties but feel as though I have nothing to gain from it. For tax reasons, we pay me very little from the company. About £700 per month. It goes fairly quickly and I often have to ask for money to be put in my account. Which is the worst thing ever. I feel like a child for doing it! He can also be horrible to our daughter, shouts at her all the time and tells her she can’t do things that I believe a child should have the freedom to do (such as playing in a shallow lake like all the other children are doing, but he told her she wasn’t allowed. If I put my foot down and told her she could, he’d get angry at me for ‘putting him down’ or allowing him to lack authority over her’. He’s often said ‘fine, I won’t tell her what she can and can’t do. You do it all!’.
These things, along with a few other bits, have been bugging me for so long but I’ve never put it all together and looked at the whole picture. I want out but 1. I’m scared of losing everything and having nothing. I need to live around here so my daughter can continue at her school! 2. What if I become homeless .. and my daughter?! Will I be able to leave with her or will he try and keep her at home? I doubt he would because he takes as little responsibility as he can most of the time. What if his mum stops contact with me and my daughter, she adores her grandmother. This is all adding to my depression and anxiety, my meds are being increased still, but I feel as though I’m still heading south.
Am I in a toxic relationship?? Please tell me it isn’t normal behaviour! And what do I do from here??