Dad said my partner reminded him of my mum!

[calumJ]

Hello, I have been with my partner for five years and we have a son (aged one) together. She's an incredible person, beautiful inside and out and I love her very much.

My mum passed away six years ago and it broke my heart completely. Like many sons, I had a close relationship with my mum and miss her dearly.

Last night my dad casually said my partner reminded him a bit of my mum, just in the way she acts as a mother. (I'd like to point out my partner and mum look nothing alike 😂 ).

I dunno why but the comment bothered me for some reason and I panicked internally and thought 'oh no am I dating my mother??!!'

I realise it's probably ridiculous to think that. Yes they're both caring, honest, generous people. But that's what we all should want in a partner (I feel anyway). I've told my partner in the past that we were meant for each other because she had all the qualities I wanted and I'll admit, I love how she helps "look after me".

The first day I met my partner for a date was nearly a year after my mum died and I placed a bet that morning on a football game that was to be played that afternoon. I forgot completely about the game during the date and when I got home from the date that evening I was delighted to see it had won (and I won a couple of hundred). I always felt this was my mum telling me I was "on to a winner" with this girl. Silly I know, but I like to think that.

Am I just being silly about all of this?

Yes you are I'd take that as a compliment in that's you've got a good wife there.

Thanks, it just made me panic and I have fixated on it :/

@calumJ

Thanks, it just made me panic and I have fixated on it :/

🙄🙄

Have anything helpful to say Skyliner001?

My dh looks nothing like my dad, but dear God they have very similar personalities! Took me along time to actual accept that. Lol. But that's ok, cos my dad's great and of course I would be attracted to a similar great personality.

@calumJ - ignore any unhelpful comments x

I think it’s inevitable that the upbringing we have shapes the people we are, and the personalities we are drawn to. If we have parents who are kind, caring, nurturing etc, we see those as the qualities of a good parent. We try to be like that when we become parents, and would probably choose a life partner who had the same values if we could. If your Mum was a great Mum, why wouldn’t you choose someone similar to be Mum to your own children?!

I am madly in love with someone who is basically a younger version of my dad and when I met his mum for the first time-it was unsettling in how I could see what he sees in me. The fact is though she is an incredible woman so it makes me very happy that he loves me too. I'm in good company. Don't let it worry you. It's a good thing. We look for in others (when emotionally healthy) what we need to be happy and your partner does this.

Do you mean that you're afraid you might have been looking for a mother figure instead of a partner? Presumably you have some reason to think that - what? Do you "look after" her too, or is it one-sided? Do you act like a child, waiting for her to call you in for dinner and tell you what you're doing at the weekends, or do you act like an adult?

When my friend's ds met his future wife, he said to her 'you'll like her, she reminds me of you.'
How lovely thought my friend. Ds continues, 'yeah, she's sort of short and dumpy...'

@ravenmum

Do you mean that you're afraid you might have been looking for a mother figure instead of a partner? Presumably you have some reason to think that - what? Do you "look after" her too, or is it one-sided? Do you act like a child, waiting for her to call you in for dinner and tell you what you're doing at the weekends, or do you act like an adult?

I very much look after her too, we support each other through any type of hardship. No, she doesn't tell me what we do at the weekends and we actually share cooking duties for our son and each other. It's very much a partnership.

And I understand I will only ever have one mother, thanks :)

So why did you think oh no am I dating my mother??!! ? Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't get why you would think that, with no reason?

My dh has certain qualities that are very like my dad. I see it as a positive.

Quite - if you are simply dating someone with the same positive qualities as a parent, no reason to think "oh no", right?

That’s what is said isn’t it? You end up marrying your mum and dad.

Looking at the mums of my partner and all my exes, I am very very similar to their mums, not in appearance but character and the way we approach life.

Interestingly, none of my exes remind me of my mum or dad, but then we are a bit of a dysfunctional family so I was actively avoiding people who may help to perpetuate my childhood traumas

My DH is quite a lot like my mum personality wise (I'm a heterosexual woman). That's fine. He isn't her. There's loads of good things about my mum (also loads of irritating things and funnily enough, same with my H).

People who grow up in a happy family with loving parents, usually make good partners. Being kind, thoughtful and generous are synonymous with being a good person/partner. I think this is what your dad means

I think we choose partners who subconsciously remind us of our parents, because we learned about from relationships from them. Those formative years shape us into the adults we are no

If your parents were cruel, then the likelihood is you'll be drawn to that "quality" in a partner. If they were kind, then you'll be attracted to kind people.

*adults we are now, not no.

I would find it strange if it was regarding a resemblance in looks but not strange at all characteristics...i would love to meet someone that was as decent and had the same values as my dad, i have looked but failed miserably take it as a compliment...
Had a we giggle to myself..have visions of you peering into your wifes fave when shes not looking for signs of resemblance

We’re all drawn to the familiar, so it’s really not unusual to end up with someone who reminds us of our parents. That’s a natural human instinct - even if we don’t consciously realise it.

My DP’s ‘type’ used to be slim blondes, but somehow he ended up with me - a curvaceous brunette with big boobs, mum of 3, naturally nurturing/mothering type, with a wicked sense of humour. Guess what his mum was like (spoiler alert - she was a curvy brunette with 3 kids and a wicked sense of humour!)

Sometimes the maternal aspects get a bit too much and I have to actively step away to make sure I don’t stray too far into mum territory! So do make sure that you try and keep that balance - we all want looking after but it’s not sexy. Don’t worry about it though - as long as you’re an equal partnership it’s all good.

Yes they're both caring, honest, generous people. But that's what we all should want in a partner (I feel anyway).
I think this is lovely @calumJ 🌹

@calumJ

Have anything helpful to say Skyliner001?

Rolling my eyes at you is just fine thanks.

That's totally normal and actually fairly common. When my previous housemate first met her future sister in law, she was freaked out by how similar they were, in looks, mannerisms and interests! People look for positive familiarity in their relationships.

@Skyliner001 then remember as you're rolling them to shove them up your arse as well!