Do I want too much?

[Rubyslippers76]

I have been with DH for 25 years and we have 2 teenage children. I am so disconnected from my marriage. I am sole bread winner - supposedly a role swap some years back, but I am responsible for sorting everything out (money, school stuff, kids, holidays etc), and he has no interest in getting a job (I don't actually see him wanting to work for the rest of his life). He isn't lazy at home in some ways - he will spend hours in the garden and does the DIY, most of the food shopping, and some of the cooking/washing but it's like he decides what he will do and leaves the rest to me, and does not do enough considering I work full time and he doesn't. He flares up over the most ridiculous things but has forgotten it 5 minutes later whilst we are all left walking on eggshells (in his mind we overreact). He is quite happy at the thought of just the two of us, doesn't like people round our house and if I go out makes comments like "you don't love me" "can't believe you are leaving me alone tonight" (if I said not to do this, of course he is joking and I am overreacting) but it's little quips like this all the time about things that just drags me down along with his random temper. I don't like the way I am living my life now and the post kids future he wants is not what I want. Even the kids are different when he is not here - they stay out of his way a lot when he is. He thinks we are perfect as a couple and often says how we have such a wonderful relationship compared to others! This is only because I don't like confrontation so (my fault I know) just bit my tongue for years. I have found myself hoping for a massive argument or for him to do something awful I can tell him to leave as he would totally dismiss me trying to talk to him and explain the effect his actions and words have on a day to day basis (he sometimes calls me a dick or bloody woman - again I am "totally overreacting"). Am I overreacting? Is this just what people are like? If I had "the chat" I also think he could turn really nasty (not what I want when we have 3 children so will be connected for ever) or totally breakdown (he has a history of severe depression). I know I am not responsible for someone else's actions but I can't help feeling it will be my fault if I unleased this on my family. It isn't like everyday is totally awful, we just go through the motions, but I don't really have any joy from our relationship. I feel paralysed and need some support.

You're not over reacting. He sounds very wearing - you will get some good advice from others on here.

I would concentrate on getting ducks in a row as they say,

You're not over reacting op. He sounds vile and lazy tbf

He needs to get a job or get put. How old is he? What’s his retirement plan/ pension like?

I dont think you’re overreacting at all. Sounds tiresome and miserable and your DCs clearly react to his behaviour as well. I think he should get a job. The Dcs are older and hes not doing most of home stuff so he should be working. Might help his mood to be doing something. It does sound like you’ll be better off without him. He shouldnt call you names ever.

Aside from him being lazy and contributing next to nothing to the paying for or running of the household, there is an even bigger issue here. You talk about him flaring up, how he has you walking on eggshells, how you are afraid he could turn nasty, how he guilt trip you when you try and g out with friends and how he gaslights you when you try and discuss his behaviours. You are very much in an abusive relationship. You need to come to terms with that reality and then decide what you need to do.

He is 50. No retirement plan or pension - thinks "its all a load of old bollocks" and we'll get by

No pension? So his idea of getting by is you looking after him! What a cheek. He needs to get a job and contribute!

"We'll get by" = you'll support him.

I think you should leave him.

What TooTrueToBeGood and the other respondents wrote here.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see a similar model of a marriage at home?. Is that also why you do not like confrontation?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?. What do your three children make of the two of you; they stay out of his way and despise him (they certainly see and hear how you as their mum are treated) and perhaps look at you and wonder why you are still with him. Your children and you are being and have been dragged down by him.

Apart from he being abusive towards you all he is in dreamland with no pension plan. He probably thinks that you will merely carry on supporting and or otherwise carrying him like you have done to date. So no, you are not overreacting and this model of a marriage is an abusive one.

Have you never considered divorcing this individual?. Of course he won't make it easy for you to divorce him because he is abusive and likes having you around to abuse but the freedom from him will be absolutely worth it. I would urge you to seek legal advice re the practicalities of divorcing him asap along with contacting both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations.

The reason you should leave is his temper and treading on eggshells, the possessiveness and denigration.

Op, sorry things are so difficult, the fact that you feel you have to constantly bite your lip and you can't have a sensible conversation with him about how you are feeling is a bit of a red flag.

It sounds to me like your DH might still be severely depressed (the anger, the reluctance to go out or socialise, the constant negativity, reluctance to work) and he hasn't ever addressed it properly.

It's not clear from your op whether you want him to change and work on things or if you have already made up your mind to leave. I think you need to decide that before you proceed.

If its the former, and he thinks you have the perfect marriage, then you need to tell him how you are feeling. Could you frame it in terms of his depression/him getting help?

Yes I have (am) thinking of leaving. TBH I am wanting the cowards way out of having some kind of blow up to "justify" the conversation, as I think him and others will paint me as the villain of it all. I am just too pathetic to face a conversation that he will feel is completely out of the blue. I don't know why confrontation is so hard for me. I run my own successful business and don't "give in" on that but in my personal life I struggle so hard to stand up for myself and say what I think. I am always the "positive, smiley helpful person".

I think you can very much get into a pattern of behaviour where you get so used to not standing up for yourself that it becomes really difficult to start. I was the same; I wasn't frightened of my ex-h but somehow I just felt paralysed when I thought about openly disagreeing with him and not giving in.

I started by standing my ground on small things, calmly making my point and then moving on. It was incredibly liberating and made it easier to approach the bigger issues with a bit more confidence.

To be fair though he was actually an adult (worked hard and took responsibility for things) and didn't expect me to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship so possibly easier to deal with than your dh.

Just to add - he will, of course, paint you as the villain in this - that's just the person he is. When it comes to other people it really doesn't matter what they think, and if you split you won't give them another thought after a few months.

You are not expecting too much OP, the things you wants are the simple things. Get a plan together and leave this man, leave him flat on his lazy arse!

‘It’s a load of bollocks and we’ll get by’ yeah because money grows in trees doesn’t it

@arrivederla Paralyzed is exactly the right word for how I feel about my inaction. I like the idea of your approach - it seems like a rather long list of things to tackle though. This though makes me feel if I assert myself more on the small things and get a kick back on these then I know that leaving is the right thing and it's not worth trying to tackle the bigger stuff

If he's been a SAHP, enabling you to run your buiness, won't he be entitled to some of your pension anyway? You need to look into the financials.

In the current circumstances with covid redundancies and higher unemployment, a 50 year old with no recent out of home work experience will have very little chance of gaining employment quickly.

"TBH I am wanting the cowards way out of having some kind of blow up to "justify" the conversation, as I think him and others will paint me as the villain of it all. I am just too pathetic to face a conversation that he will feel is completely out of the blue.

Who cares actually what he thinks, he does not deserve your consideration at all. As for other people it does not really matter what they think, they have not been in this marriage. I would also think that one or two of your friends have their own private based suspicions about him as well so would actively support you in leaving.

I don't know why confrontation is so hard for me""

That has probably come from your own childhood, think a lot more about what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. What sort of an example did your parents show?. Who taught you to become a people pleaser and or put your own needs and wants last?. All that was very attractive to someone like your H and he actively targeted you."

You're only 50. He's unemployed, so you may lose a fair amount of equity in exchange for keeping your pension, but less than if you try to leave in another 10 years. At 50, like women aged 50, he will be expected to get a job.

You will then have 15 to 20 years of work ahead of you to financially recover and ensure your own retirement.

I would speak with a very good solicitor (and use a barrister if needed) and get out whilst you still can.

Leave now.

He thinks pensions are a load of old hillocks as he's relying on you to pay into one that he can use. You'll have to discuss this as part of a divorce so gfs get a good lawyer otherwise he'll walk off with half of it, without ever having done anything for it.

My ex was very much like your dh. I ended up offering him a smaller lump sum there and then and keeping my pension. He was greedy and wanted the cash rather than having to wait until pension age. I was lucky.

He's probably expecting OP to continue to work as long as physically possible in order to support them both.