Why do I feel sad it’s over when he’s a bad partner

[Sillymee]

Never done this before but don’t know where to turn. Been with my OH 8 years, we have 3 children (2,8,10) There has been so much happened over the past few years (mainly since youngest was born). My youngest still doesn’t sleep and I’m exhausted trying to cope on broken sleep, school runs, kids hobbies and working, and my desire for sex has massively gone. However this isn’t helped by the fact he barely comes near me, doesn’t kiss me, cuddle me, never says I look nice, in fact I feel like he hasn’t liked me for years. He’s very snappy with the household, if he for example spilt a drink the air would be blue he would be ranting raving and probably in mood for the rest of the day, seriously. Quarantine has been very tense. Anyway tonight we watched a series in bed, and he fell asleep (as always) I disturbed him by going to the toilet and when I came back he started an argument asking why I hadn’t came onto him. This lead into an hour arguement resulting in him telling me he’s no longer in love with me, needs excitement in his life and he is bored of his life with me, and that we are over. It’s so frustrating when I’ve done everything for him that he can’t ever just be content he expects fireworks when that’s just not me. I know my house will be no different without him, I know he’s acted unforgivable in the past, so why do I feel so sad? I was always the main provider but since I had my youngest I had to drop my hours (and lost £600 a month) meaning he had to step up. I am therefore worrying about finances, he will pay as little as I can get away with, and having used online benefit calculators and what I have estimated he would pay maintenance added to my wages, im still about £400 a month down and although I will roughly make all my main bills- life with 3 kids will be very difficult. I’m really scared and it’s a horrible feeling when I’ve always been so strong and the one to leave relationships. I feel so angry that I will be left struggling and he will go and move in with a relative and live an easy life, also him and his brothers are well known in my area (cringe but trying to explain my point) and girls chase them even though they are kind of known for being dickheads, this makes me feel sick because I know he will be cruel and move on quickly and rub it in my face. I’m just so confused and feel so weak that I feel so upset

when I came back he started an argument asking why I hadn’t came onto him.

I'm sorry, trying to get sense of this, what does this mean?

Why I hadn’t initiated sex basically, he says it’s always him ‘coming onto me’ Maybe because he walks round with a miserable face all day!

Can you just say why would I and what you have said here? What was unforgiveable?

Now he has said he is no longer in love with you why do you feel like you might suffer a loss in loosing a prize dickhead?

He is someone who has been in your life for eight years and I'm afraid it is worse when the other one gets to say they want out before you do. I've seen that time and time again.

But you'll get by and will shortly see how lovely it is to not have to see his scowling face all day, every day and feel really sorry for the person who next takes him up.

I did say that, to be met with a mouthful of abuse as to why I’m the reason he is bored and that I am like a 90 year old woman’. Which for the record I’m not, to my friends and family I’m bubbly, I’m always messing around playing with the kids etc, he’s never been in a relationship with a mother before and maybe that’s his problem he can’t seem to handle him not getting 24/7 attention?

Thank you, I know I should feel relieved, I think it’s just hard when financially I feel like I need him a little. My work are making cuts at the minute so I can’t ask for my contract to go back up etc, so it’s all just a worry. This only literally happened tonight ( I’m now downstairs as I can’t sleep) so probably why it feels upsetting as is fresh. And yes maybe like you said because he was the one to say it maybe it was a shock to the system, even though it’s been so bad.

Unforgivable stuff, never returns after nights out. Takes drugs pulls all-nighters, then turns it on me when I go mad when he strolls in at 11/12/1 the next day, saying I’m crazy and that everyone does it (they don’t but his family and friends do) and that I’m a bore so wouldn’t understand. Found myself having to make excuses one too many tines when the kids wake up asking where he is. My eldest isn’t his and her dad and stepmom have just broken up so I feel guilty as she’s taken that badly even though she only sees them every fortnight so worrying how she will take it losing her stepdad too who she lives with. I feel a lot of guilt on the kids, for it all falling apart but also maybe for staying so long? For the first few years it was nothing like this, he adored me. He’s changed so much yet he says it’s me who has changed, he can’t see it’s a reaction to his actions.

. I know my house will be no different without him

That's not true, your house will be peaceful, less tense, your children are watching his moods and learning how to behave as adults. Is this what you want them to learn?

Neither of you are happy but you resent the fact he will have it easy and you will have it hard if you split. That's not the point, you need to do whatever you can to whatever you can to create a happy healthy home for your children. Having £400 less might make things right but you can live on a tighter budget and still be happier than you are now. Are this oldest kids his? You've been together 8 yrs and oldest is 10, second is 8.

Can you trust him to look after them properly if he has them one or two nights a week?

He's done you a favour by ending it, you'll love the peaceful feeling when he's gone and your children will be relieved.

The eldest (nearly 11) isn’t his, but the youngest 2 are ( the 8 is actually 7 nearly 8, and we have been together almost 9 years) so he’s been in her life since she was very young but I honestly don’t know if he would carry on seeing her. I would trust him with the younger 2 knowing his family members would be there anyway, I also know he wouldn’t do a couple nights a week as his job is travelling around so it would be once a fortnight for the weekend based on stuff he’s said before. Which fills me with dread sending a 2 year old for a whole weekend from me

You have hit the nail on the head and that’s what I needed to hear, I shouldn’t resent the fact he’s the one to leave and just think of the children’s happiness. It’s almost as if the kids pretend they don’t see it though they adore him but it’s a running joke to them that he’s always sleepy and grumpy so I know they see it.

I think maybe part of the shock is I know why I’m unhappy but I can’t see why he is, he has a good life, a nice home (which is solely mine I brought it on my own) great kids and a partner who actually does anything I can for my family, feel like it’s a slap in the face really but when I ask him he says oh you think your so perfect don’t you, I say no I really don’t I’m genuinely asking you what I do that’s so wrong? He can never reply apart from the sex thing