Fallen out with Mum

[arianwe]

Help.

I feel sooo guilty but hoping I'm not really in the wrong.

I wrote on here a few months back. I have a 2 year old and had just had a new baby. A week after my baby was born, my Mum bombarded me with messages about Coronavirus and how it's all a big conspiracy etc. I messaged at the time saying I didn't really have time for any of this with my new baby, and she replied "understood".

Since then she has continued to bombard me with messages, has sent me several links to conspiracy websites telling me that they are "factual news sites" and has started coming to see me and spending the whole time ranting and raving about what the Government are really up to. She shuts down any opinion I give and tells me everything she is saying is a fact.

I got home from one of her rants the other day and was really annoyed. I had taken the girls to see her, and while I know she loves them to bits, I kind of thought surely she should just be wanting to spend time with us rather than ranting on about the Government. I got home and I text her to say I felt like she was shoving info down my throat and as if she was lecturing me and trying to tell me what she thinks I should believe in while I have 2 little girls to look after, am completely knackered, have absolutely no time to watch these videos she keeps sending and am about to get diagnosed with epilepsy. She responded with "thanks for letting me know", and sent no further text until tonight, acting completely normal.

I normally hate confrontation but I couldn't help myself and I responded saying I was really shocked that she hadn't replied sooner trying to resolve the issue. She said she got the impression I didn't want to talk to her and thought she'd leave it for me to get in touch with her again. She also said that all the info she sent was to inspire me to look in to things myself and that the videos she sent me were really short (an hour long). I have approx 10 minutes to myself a day, definitely don't have an hour off to watch conspiracy videos. She says she wouldn't be going to so much effort over something trivial. She was quite stubborn throughout the messages and I finally said I guess I thought she might have replied apologising for bombarding me with stuff while I've got the 2 young girls, about to get diagnosed and also having a rough time. I noted that I've apologised for the things I've said that were wrong but feel like she won't apologise for anything and she finally did say sorry then, but I basically dragged it out of her.

I feel so guilty now and am worried I've made a massive deal out of something when I could've just kept my mouth shut. Do you think I should've just let it go? It's the first time I've ever really said anything to her.

I'd be tempted to text back " fuck off mother", but that's not helpful. Maybe you should tell her you aren't interested and turn your phone off?
Somebody with more insight hopefully will come along soon.

My Mum has to go through similar with her Mum, my Nan.
She tends to just not respond to her messages and has slowly stopped seeing her as much. She couldn't handle the messages or rants anymore.

OP you poor thing, that sounds very tough indeed.

YOU have done nothing wrong. Your mother, on the other hand, is either very stupid or is perhaps having some sort of minor breakdown. I'm not joking I would find that behavior very odd indeed. I think I would just say to her that you are hurt by her rude and unpleasant behavior. She is entitled to believe whatever conspiracy theory she wants but she doesn't have the right to ram it down your throat, especially now.

Just be very clear with her, I won't be reading any links or watching any videos on this topic and if you continue to send them I will block you. Then just speak on the phone as and when you want and if/when she starts on the topic of conspiracy theories you know you just need to go to the loo and say 'bye for now' mum.

PLEASE do not feel guilty. She is totally in the wrong.

Why do you feel guilty about drawing a very reasonable boundary?

You are struggling, need help and have two babies to look after.

You don’t need her conspiracy theories and you told her. How is that wrong?

She may feel upset about it, but that doesn’t mean you were wrong.

@Gingaaarghpussy 😂😂

@Italiangreyhound
I also wondered if she was having some sort of breakdown. Her and my Dad have always been very in to conspiracy theories, but they've never been quite like this. Her behaviour is really quite manic and she told me she's also been having out of body experiences etc. She just seems absolutely barking mad to me but thinks it's all completely normal.

@Aussiebean I guess I feel guilty as I grew up in a household where my parents didn't really allow for us to express our own opinion and it feels like I'm not allowed to question their beliefs etc. No idea why I still feel that way at 30 years old though! I also feel guilty as the Mum I knew growing up was always a bit of a softy and would've been mortified by my messages about it, but it's so weird that she really just thinks she's so right about this and that she's just trying to help me and my future. I feel like she was so adamant that she doesn't see this from my perspective at all and so I started questioning myself I guess.

I suppose I also feel guilty as the way I worded it wasn't overly nice. I always really hold back when being honest with my parents as I feel like I'm not allowed to, but I was so pissed off that I was just completely honest and parts of it came across a bit nasty. I'm normally the opposite of that, so I expect it hurt her a little more than if she'd heard it from someone else

I regularly fell out with my controlling mum and would come home in tears (hurt and anger) well into my 50s! I learnt to deal with it by not saying anything so there was a long silence and then very obviously changing the subject. I decided it was her problem and not mine and not to rise to her insinuations and nasty comments. I would leave a longer gap between visits if she behaved this way. It was like dealing with a child, I rewarded good behaviour and ignored bad! Eventually we settled into a better relationship and I miss her dreadfully now (she died at 99 7 years ago). Please put your mental wellbeing first but try and find a relationship that works for you both - one day she won't be here. Good luck x

You are right.
You've given her plenty of messages to say you are not interested.
She has carried on regardless, quite selfish really.

Don't apologise.
If she starts sending stuff again, be blunt
"I'm not interested in this, dont send anything else on the subject".

" I feel guilty as I grew up in a household where my parents didn't really allow for us to express our own opinion"

They have groomed you into compliance. Do not feel guilty for establishing your own boundaries. Think carefully before rolling over and letting her bully you.

I would be tempted to send a text saying that you really love her and enjoy spending time and seeing her often, but you hope she appreciates that people don't always agree on the same things and her and you will just have to agree to disagree on that one and move on .
Then when you do see each other and if she starts up again - just stop her and say that you thought you were not discussing this and move to another subject.

And you know what, she doesn't actually care about you or your DCs as people. She only cares about you all as figures in her life. You are characters in the drama of her life, not people in your own right with your own agency and beliefs.

Be wary. She'll find it hard to change and it will always be about her, not you.

I agree with Pickle.
It’s best not to overtly fall out, and silence / not responding is the best way to do that.

Your mum should be caring about what’s going on in your life, and she doesn’t.
But you’re still feeling you need to please her. FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt is a useful acronym to be aware of.

There are boards on here that talk about these situations, or Quora has good info on how to cope (practically and emotionally) with Narcissistic people.

I’m in contact with my mum, but I keep strong boundaries now. I have my own family and don’t want to replicate her pattern.

I think lifestooshort has excellent advice.

Somewhere on mumsnet are the stately homes threads s dthese may be helpful.

You realise you have been brought up to. E compliant and you know you cannot be because this is madness!

Trust your instincts.

Get your dad involved (if they are still together) in helping your mum, or another relative or friends.

Guilt is for the guilty. You are not guilty of anything.

I also did wonder about her mentsl health reading this. But you eed to look after yourself - a bit of emotional distance from her so just focus on yourself and your children. Deep breaths and ignore the batshittery.

@WhoKnowsWhatsAroundTheCorner Thank you for your advice. I hadn't heard of FOG before but I will definitely be looking in to it. You are right, I always feel like I have to please her.

@Italiangreyhound Thanks also! Unfortunately my Dad is far, far worse. He goes absolutely mental if you ever tried to question him or his opinion and gets quite aggressive. I think lockdown has just made everything 100 times worse. They were always in to conspiracies previously, and now they've been stuck together and I think have just been talking about this non stop. They've never had any friends and it has always just been the 2 of them getting obsessed with these things together. I found 3 note pads spaced around the house with notes about coronavirus conspiracies on them, so that's how much of their energy has gone in to this.

Thanks everyone for the advice

OP, you mum sounds like she is so involved in these theories she had become quite selfish to what you are experiencing.

I do think theses discussions are better being had face to face, good on you for telling how you feel, I think you could have a face to face chat and see how that goes. She may have got ready obsessed with them while being cooped up, give her some perspective and hope she gets it. If not it will be very sad that she will have distanced herself from you.

Your dad on the other hand, sounds awful