How to approach friend in abusive relationship

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I'm just wondering if anyone can help me or guide me. I have a friend , who I know is in an abusive relationship. She confided in me last year. She hasn't said anything since and I dont have a huge amount of contact with her.
I've heard, from a 3rd party , the abuse is ongoing. I know its emotional and possibly coercive abuse.
I don't know where to start advising or approaching her. I dont want her to think I'm interfering or worse, judging her.
I feel, last year, I may have given the wrong advise to her, as I told her to make a decision and leave him and that's why she hasn't approached me since .
I come from a home of DV, so my initial reaction was to tell her leave asap..... I don't think I should have been so blunt.

Can I have some constructive help , to help me help her? I'm worried for her and her kids .
The last thing I want to do, is shame, embarrass or put her in any danger .

Thank you in advance.

What sort of things are you aware of??? Are you sure she is safe?

You might be interested in Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster. It is advice on what to do and what not to do for family and friends of women in abusive relationships. I read it last year because through my employer a number of colleagues and I do pro bono work assisting with applications for non-mols.

The starting point is to let her know you're there is she wishes to talk and that you will listen without judgment, of her - that is.

Don't beat yourself up for having advised her to make a decision and leave him. You may well be right that that is the reason why she hasn't confided in you since but you spoke from a place of caring. It's very frustrating to watch someone staying in a relationship which harms them but, particularly if they have children together, leaving will not be straightforward and, unless there is serious physical violence, is not generally something which is done as a snap decision.

One of the things this book brought me to understand is that the abused woman needs to come to these decisions for herself, otherwise she is just being pushed around by another set of people - albeit people who love her and want the best for her. Furthermore, even if she does initially agree to leave because of pressure from well-meaning friends and relatives, she's more likely to return to her abuser; indeed, she can even end up more closely identified with her abuser and more alienated from the family and friends who took her away from her abuser. The author describes exactly that situation happening (though there was finally a permanent escape from the abuser). It's unsurprising really. For all that the abuse is horrible, there are probably times when the abuser treats her kindly and lovingly so she will have bonds with him from the good times and there is such as thing as trauma bonding between victim and abuser also.

The book explains everything very well and should give you lots of ideas for supporting your friend.

It sounds like your friend has a number of people looking out for her and that's a really good thing. Hopefully she will get to a place where she is able to leave this relationship and strike out on her own.

@Ohnoherewego62, from what she told me last year, it's more emotional than physical abuse . He shouts ,calls her names, has periods where he locks himself in his room and ignores her completely. Controls where she goes and who she see's. He shouts at the kids too and uses foul language around them and she has told me they are afraid of him and that they always feel like they're threading on egg shell, a feeling I know well from my childhood.
He refuses to do family days out and criticises all her decisions.
It sounds awful. I'm afraid it may escalate to physical violence if she stays and that's why I said I don't want to put her in any danger. I'm half afraid, if he snapped , where could she go/ call?
I'm willing to be her safe person but how do I approach that with her?
@Dery, thank you so much. I will get that book. I will try to approach it gently with her and not make her feel pressured into deciding. I would like her to have a Safety plan or a get out plan, but as you said, it needs to come from her.
My DM stayed in an abusive relationship for 21 years and I blamed her more than him at the time because she kept going back , everytime she left him....I'd hate her kids to feel that resentment towards her.
I will get that book, I've googled a few womens help sites and I feel better armed to support her now this time.
Thank you both .

OP I think if you are willing to be a safe person then tell her that, if she confided in you then that would be an appropriate thing to say. But stop discussing it with other people, she may well have stopped confiding because she realised that you were not trustworthy. It could get back to him. Also be aware that she may not have told you everything, and she would have told you what she told you for a reason, and that that indicates that she isn't being controlled because she is speaking out, and it might be that she is making plans. My sister was in a similar situation.

@knowitknowit, it's a friend of ours that approached me about it. She knows I know because my friend told her. I haven't discussed this with anyone else . I realise how delicate the matter is.
Now that you say it, the fact she is speaking about it, does that indicate that she isn't being controlled ? Then I take it that's a good sign ?
Yes, I'll tell her I'm there for her. I realise I've not been told every thing and even when she was telling what was happening, she back tracked a few times and made excuses for his behaviour.
I'm sure it's complicated.

My sister told literally four people she thought she could trust and about six months later her dh exploded, he had heard the whole lot, somehow. I personally don't think you should be discussing it at all, other than directly with her, whether or not you know from her that other people know.

I think talking about it with others does indicate that she is trying to build up a support network so that she can manage to leave but it is a risk telling others. People have their own ideas about what "support" means and unless they have actually been in a similar relationship they may not understand what is going on. My sister had taken a lot of advice from Women's Aid and Relate and other organisations and knew what she was doing, yet one of the people she spoke to thought she knew better and that it would be easy to "just leave" and she did regret telling them.

I am not saying this is what you did, just answering your question. It is good that you care, and it would be good for you to say you would be there, but I really do feel you should not be discussing it with anyone if she is no longer talking to you about it.

Hope that helps.

@knowitknowit , thank you . It makes sense, as I said the 3rd party approached me but yes, I agree, best not to discuss with anyone else .
I'd hate to aggravate ,an already awful situation.
Thanks again