Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling hurt from break up - what to do about our daughter

31 replies

Moomin8 · 27/06/2020 23:49

My partner and I have broken up. I don’t want to break up - it’s him. We’ve been on and off for about 3 years but in that time we had a baby girl so that complicated things more. She’s 6 months old. He says he has feelings for me and does love me but he wants a mother figure and I’m 11 years younger than him and I also have Aspergers so he said I seem childlike. It’s true that my executive functioning is poor. It’s true that I struggle with some things in life but I’m a good mum and he thinks so too. He’s used to having a partner who looks after him. He would always break up with me, then say he wanted to try again but he now tries to rewrite history and says that I’m chasing him. The main problem is that of course he wants to see his daughter and she’s too young to stay overnight with him. If he takes her out of the house and I’m not there, she cries. If he comes to see he at my house it’s harder for me. The last time he came he kissed me on the mouth and then said later that he shouldn’t have done it. I asked him if he could pick up our daughter from my mum’s house but he doesn’t want to do this. I just feel so sad. I know we aren’t an ideal match but I do love him and I hoped that we could work things out. I don’t really know what to do anymore. The only way I will get over him is if I don’t see him.

OP posts:
ladymary86 · 28/06/2020 00:13

He said he wants a mother figure??? Christ, you're well shot by the sounds of it, OP!!

He is not the only one who gets to make decisions here.
Make it clear to him that he will collect your daughter from your Mums house in future. If he doesn't want to do that then that's tough shit, he doesn't get his child on that day.
You've been perfectly reasonable in suggesting an alternative and you're absolutely right to take a step back and not have to see him for the time being.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 00:21

In the past when we broke up it was always him saying he wanted to meet up again and how much he has missed me. He's now constructed a narrative which says that we broke up and then a month later I announced I was pregnant. This is an absolute lie but he makes me feel that I'm going mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 07:17

He says he doesn't want to collect our daughter from my mum because she's funny with him. But the reason she is funny with him is because of how much he has messed me around in the past.

I won't be able to heal from this situation unless I don't have to see him.

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 28/06/2020 07:47

Sounds to me he wants to call all the shots. So when he collects the baby from your house, it’s business, keep it short and sharp, same when he brings her home again. Don’t be tempted to engage, he’s hurt you, messed you about.

LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh · 28/06/2020 08:00

I agree with the other posters, you need to tell him that collection will be from your Mum's for a while. He's messing you around and keeping you pining for him on purpose. Stay away and do not let him kiss you again.

Isthisfinallyit · 28/06/2020 08:05

He doesn't get a choice. He either picks her up from mum or he doesn't see her at all.

He's manipulating you to do what he wants. Stop giving in. He either wants to see his daughter or he doesn't. His comments about your mum aren't the reason, he only needs to say hi and bye. If he doesn't really want to see her then best to find out now than years later when ahe will be hurt by his departure.

He foesn't get to decide if you see him, you do. No ifs or buts possible.

picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2020 08:09

He doesn't want to collect from your mum because he can't manipulate her.

Stick to your guns. That's a really healthy boundary you are trying to establish.

The blokes a user, be glad you are getting away.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 08:18

Thank you. I am not going to be able to feel better or get over this unless I don't see him. Why would he want to manipulate me though?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2020 08:39

Because it works for him?

He wants everything his way and arranges it to happen like that.

Ideally, he'd like an arrangement where he can see you for sex, stop you seeing anyone else, visit your daughter and play happy families when he wants (and hasn't got anything better to do). All this preferably without it costing him any money.

It's a selfish bloke thing.

picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2020 08:41

All the coming and going is about training you, getting you to accept his terms.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 08:50

Oh I see. He says that by expecting him to pick up dd from my mum I'm using her as a pawn. I really don't see how. I'm going to be determined not to see him because he doesn't care about my feelings or the effect of all this on me.

OP posts:
justanotherone123 · 28/06/2020 08:53

Stay strong and take control of the situation.

You're the full time parent so what you say goes.

You decide when and where he picks up your baby.

Do not let him tell you what to do anymore.

Take care. You're doing well.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 09:02

I'm worried that he won't bring her back to get to me that way.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2020 09:03

Him saying that worries me a bit. It suggests that he's capable of very very manipulative behaviour.

There is a thing called DARVO. Deny, Accuse, reverse victim and offender.

He's the one behaving badly but he's accusing you.

Keep your boundaries up high. He's going to push for a while. Don't let him back in.

picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2020 09:05

@Moomin8

I'm worried that he won't bring her back to get to me that way.
Does he have somewhere to live where it is possible to keep her?

When he lived with you was he very hands on? Do the night wakings, nappies, baths etc?

Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 09:21

If he's looking after her he can be hands on but certainly I do most of the childcare and always have. Partly because he has MS and this makes him very tired.

He is manipulative. He sends me videos of the 3 of us in hospital shortly after dd was born and we were still together which I find upsetting.

He lives about an hour away from us but he does have his own house. The baby isn't happy to be away from me though unless he's looking after her in my house where she's familiar with her surroundings. Lockdown certainly hasn't helped in this regard as she's not used to being in unfamiliar places.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 09:23

Sometimes he has looked after her in my house whilst I go to visit my oldest daughter who lives in a specialist residential school.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2020 09:43

Some men threaten to go for full custody etc, but never would in a million years because it's too much like hard work. Does he work? Would he need to pay for childcare if he took her?

I'm trying to rationally assess how likely he is to simply take her, to punish you. It seems unlikely to me. Certainly at this age, no court would allow it and he'd be blotting his copy book to have tried.

Whose idea was it to have a baby?

Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 10:28

He's 51 and does get quite tired if he's looking after her full time. And yes he does work.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 28/06/2020 10:35

Tell him to fuck off

Does he pay maintenance and is the visitation written out?

AdoreTheBeach · 28/06/2020 11:46

As another poster was querying/suggesting, now is the time to get things formalised. Maintenance and custody/visitation.

Drop off/collection from your mother or other suitable third party

If he says you’re being manipulative by setting this at your mother’s house, actually lib that accusation right back at him - he’s being manipulative by saying it must be at your house, via yourself.

As regards your baby being unhappy about a strange location, if she dies f go to his house, then it will always be a strange location. Therefore she needs to go and get familiar with his house. Perhaps ensure fir the day visit that lots of her own things (blanket, toys etc) go with her so they’re familiar (and come home with her). This way she’ll also get used to new things he will have to provide for her there and eventually her things from your home can stay in your home.

I’d also suggest you start these discussions in writing (text or email) so there is a record particularly as he’s trying to rewrite history. Having written evidence will help you cope and you never know when you may need it.

Should he verbally say something, follow it up in a text or email to confirm your conversation.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 11:56

He's going to sell his house and buy one closer. I think that will be better because then she will get to know his house and will understand that's where she goes to see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomin8 · 28/06/2020 11:57

He does pay maintenance which is an agreed amount (not through CMS)

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2020 12:10

Moomin is the maintenance a sensible amount? What would CMS calculator suggest, for example?

So he can't take her and not bring her back without quite a lot of upheaval for him.

Are you working, OP?

Happynow001 · 28/06/2020 13:08

@Moomin8

Thank you. I am not going to be able to feel better or get over this unless I don't see him. Why would he want to manipulate me though?
Because he can. Because you are still emotionally attached to him and he wants to pull your strings. He can't do that with your mother.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.