Would you forgive this?

[carrotsandcorrinander]

I will try to be brief. I've been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years, seeing him casually for more than a year before that. We have been living together for a year, prior to that we spent around 3 nights together and 4 nights apart every week. The relationship has progressed slowly, something we both wanted.

A couple of weeks ago he left his Facebook account logged in on the laptop I use for work. My curiosity got the better of me and I had a quick look at his messages. I know that is bad form and I shouldn't have done it.
Messages from a couple of months ago from an old FWB of his caught my eye and I read the thread. He hadn't replied at all for the past year and the year before that he had only replied to general messages and stuff about his music but had ignored anything suggestive. She seems to message him a couple of times a year.

They have known each other for years and grew up together, their families know each other. She is his age, I am younger. I have met her a few times, we have a couple of mutual friends.

In mid 2018 there was a few messages exchanged where she sent him a picture of her in her underwear and a bit of sexual chat, from both him and her. Initiated by her. There were a few messages a couple of months before that where she was reminiscing about when they used to sleep together but he didn't really engage with the topic.

I was furious, called him out on it and told him that I read the messages. He apologized, said that he knows he shouldn't have done it and he had stopped replying to her years ago. He said that it was just the messages I saw, there was nothing more than that. He said that he had stopped sleeping with her before even the casual thing with us. I believe him, and he does seem to regret it, but I'm pissed off that he even engaged with it as much as he did during our relationship.

As annoyed as I am about it I still love him. I have accepted his apology, and agreed to let it go and move on. I haven't quite moved past it in my head yet though, and I can't decide if I am being ridiculous for wanting to overlook it.

Would you forgive and move on or bail on the relationship?

I'm of the view that you're entitled to one mistake. I do not extend this to affairs.

You say the messages where he was suggestive are years old, there's nothing since and he is sorry. Personally I would let it slide, but tell him that if it happens again we're done.

But to do that you need to let it go in your head, easier said than done. Do you think you could leave this in the post, or is it likely to be something you'll beat him with when you argue? If you think it'll be bought up then, I think it's smarter to walk away.

The other things to consider are:
Does him taking to this woman bother you?
Would he cut contact if you needed him to?

So msgs 1-2 year into a relationship and nothing for the last 2yrs- id probably let it slide

I don't understand what you are asking

You have already made up your mind to forgive him and move on

Bail personally.

I’d try move on and forgive if we had kids. Doubt I’d manage it but I’d try. And any further issues I’d be done.

But someone who’s just a boyfriend of a few years and who already kept be faithful? Nah. Back in the sea.

Kept - can’t be

Several times he’s not engaged with her attempts. Nothing sexual for last couple of years. One occasion two years ago where he’s sent inappropriate responses after she sent him a sexy pic. He’s ignored other attempts to lure him into suggestive replies.

I’d say that’s not too bad. A small slip up while you were building your relationship. Not ideal but pretty trivial. He’s resisted multiple attempts and didn’t let it go too far. I’d still be furious with him and it would take me a while to let it go - but if the relationship is good I wouldn’t lose it over something so meaningless.

By the way, she needs a good kick in the fanny for repeatedly going after your bloke when she was aware of your existence (I’m assuming).

I would ask him not to reply to any messages to her from now on. Or, if he gets one he should reply to say he won’t be replying to any as it’s not appropriate and best of luck, goodbye. Polite response so it’s not awkward as families know each other. But then nothing more. If she continues, he should block.

I guess the question is, can you let it go? If you can’t there’s no shame in it. He’s been a dickhead and only has himself to blame. If you feel as if you can, don’t expect the hurt to vanish overnight. This will take a little while to heal from.

She is still his FB friend.....?

I would let it go.

I’d say that’s not too bad. A small slip up while you were building your relationship. Not ideal but pretty trivial.

Each to their own but this wasn’t during their first casual year, it was after they’d been casual for a year and then in a proper relationship for two. I wouldn’t class that as ‘while building their relationship’... first few months I would maybe!

Meh, doesn’t seem anything happened other than a few saucy messages and he’s not really engaged. Couldn’t get worked up about it.

To those who asked, they are not Facebook friends anymore. I told him that I don't feel comfortable with him continuing to receive messages like that whether he replies or not. He says that if she messages him again he will make it very clear that he is not interested and won't be replying any more.
She is definitely aware of my existence. On the other hand, she's not my friend, she doesn't owe me anything. It's on him to respond or not respond, he is the one in a relationship.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It is reassuring to hear others would want to let it go and move past it also. I suppose I was just looking for an outside opinion.

I'd let it go. He realised his mistake and stopped responding of his own accord. That's good. He knew what was right or wrong. Move on.