Fucking sick of DP taking no responsibility

[User1775836552]

Long story short. Been together 6 years, two young children and three from previous marriage who live with us. We argue often. I feel he’s controlling, he says I am.... we’ve been to relate and counsellor said our relationship was toxic. We had to stop because of lockdown and things have improved a lot recently.

So we were standing in the kitchen, he was cooking, I had my hand on the edge of the work surface. He opened a drawer to get something and closed it trapping my fingers, it fucking hurt.

He apologised straight away, then proceeded with BUT it was stupid place to put your hand, you knew I’d just opened the drawer, why would you stand with your hand there, you’ve had too much to drink (I’ve had 1 glass of wine) and are trying to cause a row Etc, etc...

I told him it’s not this particular incident, that this is just an example and I’m generally tired of him taking no responsibility. He said he apologised and that was enough and that I shouldn’t have moved my hand there (it had been there the whole time). He’s now accused me of causing an argument and twisting things.

we’ve been to relate and counsellor said our relationship was toxic

Ok, so a trained professional has told you that your relationship is toxic OP and it's obviously continuing to be toxic. Toxic relationships tend to be abusive and you've both telling each other you're controlling.

Is this how you want to spend your life?

Your post makes no sense, the title says Dp takes no responsibility but the content doesn't refer to that. You mention about going to relate so obviously you aren't getting on. Then he's a bit arsed with how hr traps your fingers in the draw. Basically you don't get on. Just end it and move on then...

That's not a 'not taking responsibility' thing, it's a 'yes, but' thing where even if someone says sorry, there is always an element where it's still somehow your fault. I'd want to know why the '..but' part of the sentence had even been necessary.

What's made you try to stay together? What good points does the relationship have?

From that example, yabu and basically spoiling for a fight, possibly due to previous issues, possibly because you are just unreasonable. Only you know which....

In that example yabu. If someone opens a drawer you can assume it will be closing very soon and fingers should be clear.

Why argue, it was an accident? You seem to be building resentment

I get it.

He cant just apologise. He has to place blame on you to some extent. You.

How else does the relationship work out for.you?

Exactly, he puts the blame on me for pretty much everything, it’s never his fault. It’s always a ‘Yes, but last year you did blah blah’ if I question anything he’s said or done that’s upset me. He just friends stuff around and gets hyper defensive.

I Honestly didn’t realise he’d opened the drawer, it must have kind of Brushed my thumb upwards, when he closed it it trapped it. He tried to make out it was my fault basically saying I was lying and obviously just moved my hand there which is why he’d not noticed it.

It just pisses me off that he couldn’t say ‘Oh shit, sorry!’ It’s always somehow my fault.

Do you think it was deliberate OP? I mean, he probably saw your hand was there?

Either way, I get what you mean, he sounds rough and argumentative.

I don't think this is a great example op, he didn't see your fingers, you didn't see him open the drawer, it was jointly both your fault your fingers got trapped.

However I'm assuming it's the fact that he can't take responsibility for other things that is causing issues.

I guess the question is, and especially given what the counselor said, do you see a HAPPY and HEALTHY future with him?

Point scoring and blaming are really difficult behaviours to stop. It will only stop if you are both willing and also generous in forgiving the other person for not being perfect.

I also think it's natural that if someone says your relationship is toxic, that you constantly want to blame the other party. Looking at your self, your own feelings and actions can be incredibly painful so just accuse the other over and over. It's a really difficult place to be for everyone and really consumes your energy.

Things are either going to get better with hard work from both of you or it will continue to get worse. Only you will know if you are willing to live with it. Do you get any time apart from each other?