Fibally told him its over - hand hold please

[JustBeingMoi]

I've posted on here a few times about my marriage. Mumsnet made me see it was emotionally and verbally abusive.

It has taken me a long time to build up the strength to get to this point, but I have finally told him its over. And I'm honesty emotionally exhausted. How do I go forward with this man in a way that is positive for my daughter, but also protects me? He is incredibly good at switching between nasty and nice and the nice bits reel me back in. I'm worried that in a few weeks or months, I will doubt my decision is the right one, especially as I will have had some space from him.

I've been with him for my whole adult life so life without him, however miserable it has been recently, is incredibly daunting. I feel terrified at the though. I'm going to go continue to go to counselling for some of my own issues.

Any hand holding or advice would be hugely appreciated.

What was his response when you told him it was over? Has he accepted it without too much bad feeling?

What is it that scares you about being on your own?

@Arrivederla currently he is. He has however messaged me repeatedly to say if I wanted to try he really would change this time. The overt verbal abuse has been going on since just after my daughter was born. Despite me asking him to stop repeatedly, it took me walking out to get him to listen. We have tried marriage counselling. We have been separated for a month with a view to working on our issues. During this time he has criticised me asking for some space to get my head together, accused me of stringing him along, blamed the situation on me. He cycles between being reasonable and being awful when things don't go the way he wants, so I'm not taking his current attitude for granted.

@TwilightPeace just the fact I've not really done 'adulting' alone, let alone parenting. He is all I've known.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. It sounds to me as though he is keen to be in control hence the anger and criticism when you take the reins and make decisions for yourself. Please stay in control of your decision-making. He won’t like it, that’s for sure, he is probably used to you going along with what he wants, but what you want matters and your safety, and that of your daughter, is paramount. You have got out. Now the challenge is to stay out. He had opportunities to change while you were living together and didn’t. He is not going to change now.

I wish you well.

OP adulting and parenting is SO much easier when you don’t have to
Walk on eggshells, when you can live peacefully without fear of reprisal for simply stating your opinions or being criticised for simply living your life.
You will have more headspace and will find you enjoy the independence and FREEDOM.
Being on your own isn’t something to be frightened of. It might be a bit of a learning curve at the beginning but you might surprise yourself by much you embrace the positives.

I echo what TwilightPeace says. Chances are your lack of confidence comes from being with someone like him. When you don’t have to walk on eggshells any more your confidence will increase and, most importantly of all, you will have peace of mind. That is priceless.

At first you are bound to be tempted to give your marriage another try...he will be nice to you and you will want to believe him. I could pretty much guarantee that if you stay out though you will find a new happiness on your own and in years to come you will look back and realise it was the right decision by far and you will be happy without him.

It sounds like you have given him enough years of your life. Don’t give him any more. You will find your strength on your own. Stand firm.

And so he has now just come over to pick our daughter up and just shown me why I made the decision in the first place. Accusing me of not trying, accusing me of stringing him along, accusing me of blaming him for everything, accusing me of giving up too easily, accusing me of not giving him a chance, accusing me of lying. Forcing me into a conversation I didn't want and wasn't ready for in front of our daughter.

So, this is the person he is op - he isn't going to change.

I split up with my ex-h when I was in my late 50s after 30 years together. I was nervous of being on my own but it's soooo much easier than being with someone who is emotionally abusive.

If I can do it, you can. Stay strong - a happier future is just beginning for you.