Any advice for difficult elderley Mum?

[Chosennone]

I feel mean. She is well into her 70s and not in great health but things are getting tense. Background we've always got on reasonably but we're not close. We're very different and my upbringing was tricky due to this.
I bite my tongue a lot more now and keep things vague. But she still has passive agressive digs.

She was talking to me about some low key house renovations we're doing. They need doing. Think leaky old bathroom and cracked tiles. All i got was 'but you don',t need that...' 'whats wrong with what you've got' 'you make me laugh trying to be fashionable'.
My problem is they live in squalor. A rambling old house that is cluttered and scruffy. I rarely go anymore. But i don't mention that. I just bite my tongue whilst she takes the mick out of me. I just don't see why she thinks thats ok. I have loved lockdown as it's been easier all round

You’re not being mean. Plenty of other over seventies manage not to be dicks.

Best way is to kinda almost breezily agree with or brush off every dig she makes.

‘you make me laugh being fashionable’

‘Haha I know, it’s so much fun looking at new ideas and trends’

“But you don’t need that”

“I know! It’s so nice to be able to do it anyway”

“What’s wrong with what you’ve got?”

“Oh not much, a change will be nice”

And so forth. It’ll take the wind right out of her sails. She can’t keep stinging you if you take it like neutral casual conversation. It works with anything! Even if she escalates to very obvious barbs you can just reply with

“What an odd thing to say, are you feeling okay mum!?”

“Silly sausage, of course that’s not true”

Etc.

Whatcha think?

Oh OP I feel for you. I have the same from my mother and it’s so wearing. I loved lockdown too. I’ve no advice I’m afraid, but solidarity!

Thanks for the solidarity @ofTheNight and brilliant ideas @Sharkerr. I want to bite but don't want to bite! I silently seethe. There is resentment on my begalf as growing up things were could be quite nice. Xmas holidays etc... but equally fags and booze money came first. Our home was embarassing because of that. It stings when she rolls her eyes at me spending money on house things and she wasted £1000s

I have my 83 year old nan living with me. She sounds similar.
I do everything for her, she has a lot of money in Savings but doesn’t pay anything towards living costs. Yet she still speaks to me like crap a lot of the time. Mostly sarky comments and little digs that she then tries to pretend meant nothing and will say “Ohhh I can’t speak” if I take offence.
I’ve learnt that you have to just ignore it.
People like that don’t really care if they’ve offended you. Or they actually want to. So biting never ever works. It’s so so hard. And lockdown has been awful because I’ve had no break from her. But I have to just grin and bear it.
Why do we though? I’d love to see how she would react if I spoke to her the way she does.

I used to get similar from my mum. 'Why do you want to go running - you'll never be twenty again,...' 'What do you want to dye your hair different colours for? It doesn't make you look young, you know...' Also things about doing stuff to be 'fashionable'.

In her case I think it was a form of guilt over how little she did. She was overweight and couldn't tie her own shoelaces from being mid forties, so I think she saw my attempts to be slim and fit as some kind of 'dig' at her, almost? Something that made her very aware of what she could have been doing, but just didn't bother.

I just used to roll my eyes. And, bless her, despite all her digs about the things I bought for my (rented) house and her not spending a penny on her own place, when she died selling the old wreck of her house enabled me to buy my own home. So I'm glad I bit my tongue.

@MandB23 that must be so difficult for you. You are doing a fab job to actually live together, especially now.
Yes Zap i too have things to be grateful for. Hence the guilt. I think my DM is getti g worse now she is old and infirm. Her life has shrunk and she has lost a lot of freedom. I only used to hear from her weekly when she was in her 60s and still busy. Now its daily and always passive agression.

I think as my kids have become teens and i've worked harder to provide them with things I didn't have a lot of resentment has set in. She has digs about me and DH paying for them to go on school trip abroad. I never could so I want them to have those opportunities. They both have decent sports bags/kit cos I was told to use a Kwik Save carrier bag. Sounds stupid and petty but... 🤷‍♀️

So do you think that, like my mum, it's a form of guilt? She's trying to convince you (and herself) that none of the extras are necessary, so that she doesn't have to face that she could have done more when you were growing up?

Possibly. I'm not sure. She's very different. They take the mick out of me for being a 'snob' , i'm far from it but they are very scruffy and slovenly.

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. No you would not and your mother is no different. Your upbringing at her hands sounds bloody awful.

Its not your fault that your mother is like this and you did not make her this way. You're a far better parent to your children than your mother ever was.

You do not mention your dad here directly; what is he like?.

Why do you see her at all, you're just putting yourself up here to be her emotional punchbag by doing so. She knows what she is like and she does not care. Look at your boundaries re your mother and revise them upwards urgently. Deal with any and all FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) through counselling. Start to also screen your calls and make yourself less available to her.

I have talked to a lot of friends who love that lockdown has given them an excuse to stay away from their difficult parents.

Thanks Atilla some good advice i know. There are times when she was massively supportive and proud and times when we closer. However i seem to have 'woken' up to some of the other, more negative, parts of my childhood. DM was always the matriarch and my Dad a bit under her thumb really.

He can be similar to her at times they both have a terribble case of Shaudenfreude (sp!?) and they hate how I won't pull people to pieces. He is way more supportive and proud of what we do and have though.

oldwoman thanks...I was on a thread early in lockdown and a few of this felt this way. It was reassuring.

My Mil has become more and more like this with old age. She always made little digs about everything, but now she’s in her 80s she’s got 100% worse and is downright rude. We handle it by staying calm and saying things like “oh dear you seem to be very negative again that’s a shame”. Or “Deary me are you having a bad day?”
Sometimes she gets the hint and sometimes she doesn’t!

She sounds like a bully OP and she continues the behaviour because you let her.

If we follow this to its logical conclusion, what's going to happen if you stand up for yourself?

Let's really push it to its extremes here, what's she going to do that's so bad? Is she going to cut you out of her will? Refuse to talk to you again? Shout at you? Ignore you? Write to the paper?

Your feelings matter and she's upsetting you. She either doesn't realise she's upsetting you or, she gets a surge of power when she does. Either or, her motivations aren't important but your feelings are.

Not doing anything is still a choice. By not saying anything to her and allowing her to continue, you are abandoning yourself. Don't you think it's time you spoke up?

You can do this gradually because assertiveness is like a muscle that gets stronger with time.

'Please don't talk to me like that.' Is a perfectly polite way of asking someone not to upset you.

Followed up with a consequence:

'Please don't talk to me like that or I'll leave/put the phone down.'

And if she continues, then follow out on the consequence.

She won't like it OP as she's used to bullying you and upsetting you but her own feelings are hers to deal with, not yours. You will probably feel very guilty and panic and want to sort it all out and then apologise because you've been trapped in this rut for so long. It takes time and that's why you start slowly. You'll actually realise that the sky won't fall down, the world doesn't implode and nothing terrible happens.

If you're worried about ruining the 'good' relationship you have with your mother, I'd ask you if it really is a good relationship if she won't stop making comments that upset you when you've asked her not to.

Give it a go and practice.

'Mum I'm getting those bathroom tiles I told you about.'
'State of you, who do you think you are? Queen of Sheeba?'
'Please don't talk to me like that.'
'Like what? You're so sensitive, you bleedin' snob. Too good for the likes of me now are you?' (Not sure why she's Steptoe)
'I asked you to stop and if you don't I'm going to hang up.'
'Now, don't get ideas above your station me girl...'

You also need to manage the situation so you're not trapped in the lion's den so to speak.

Oh missy cantankerous old ladies really are a bind!

123 Thanks. I see what you mean about bitong my tongue. I am pretty assertive with most people in my life. I just feel more guilty as she has become older and frail. Her health isn't great so i give her some leeway. She always says i put my friends and DH family first!? I wonder why 🤔

"DM was always the matriarch and my Dad a bit under her thumb really."

Your mother does this also because she can and she has been continuously enabled by both her H and in turn you to do so. She was once young and similarly abrasive towards you, now she is old and still abrasive towards you. You would not tolerate this from a friend so why do you tolerate this from your mother?. Your own inbuilt conditioning at their hands plays a part here.

Her declining health now is also no excuse for her actions due to my previous point made. Such disordered of thinking people do not change, its always others who are at fault and or have the problem.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; work out what your roles are here too.

Your mother still is very much the matriarch here and your dad is still very much a bystander. Both of them get what they want out of their relationship, theirs is a toxic and codependent one. He is a weak bystander who has also failed you as a parent here by failing to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviours. He is also probably the sort who would say, "don't make me apologise for the wife I have chosen". And in doing that he has further offered you up so as not to be in her firing line of abuse. You cannot rely on him because he will not protect you.

Do look at and post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes May 2020" thread on these Relationships pages.

And what 1235kbm wrote.

Thanks Atilla... i was going to reply with 'Well it wasn't that bad' ... then i read the thread. Feel like my eyes are opening.

Similar here, OP, with my elderly mother. But I just think she was always this way. I have challenged her at times, saying "you can't be talking to me this way " etc. I get sarcasm, digs about holidays I might be taking, rudeness etc. Sometimes, a simple "sorry?" stops her in her tracks because she knows I'm calling her out. But other times, I have to leave it and pick my fights. Deep down, she's jealous, damaged and bitter. I manage things as best I can.