Exhausted

[Paris100]

STBEH and I separated May 2019 and he finally moved out in Jan this year. We have 3 School age children and have tried to remain amicable.
Of course, lockdown happened in June, so I’ve had to homeschool all 3, work from home in my own job, run a house etc. And I’m exhausted.

I’ve found the homeschooling and working from home part stressful as a lot of parents have.

STBEH has continued to go to work (although set up to work from home), has never offered to help out with the schoolwork despite being asked, but picks them up a couple of times a week to do fun things, like bike rides. The school holidays are coming up and I’m desperate for some down time. He’s working throughout so I will be entertaining them all Summer. I have to go into work for a bit out but he says I should just take them with me. Our usual childminder is shielding.

Am I right in thinking, I’ve landed myself a raw deal? I’m tired, frazzled and have no family support nearby.

He wouldn’t move on a 50:50 split when we separated so despite the fact they stay with him every second weekend, I wonder if he should be stepping up a bit more or at least offering support?

Sorry, lockdown happened in March I meant!

Do you have a 50:50 arrangement? That doesn't mean every second weekend, it means every other weekend AND every other week.

If he has 50:50, presumably he'll be having them for half the summer holidays?

Oh I'm sorry, I meant 50:50 as in financial split, not care of the children. He argued for ages that everything should be 50:50 hence why it's stuck in my mind

Has STBEH got any annual leave he can take so he can have them for a week, allow you to reset and have some time for yourself?

I could have written this. I've just had my first day off in about 14 weeks. I asked my ex if he could take the kids off my hands for one night and he has done. During lockdown since we've been allowed social bubbles, he has been around to see the kids too but I am always there so never off duty really.

Your ex needs to step up with the childcare, its not on. You will be shattered, he surely must realise this.

He does have annual leave but is not taking it yet as ‘he’s busy at work’ or so he says.

I completely understand. I'm in a similar position
Is he planning to take them away for a few days?
Suggest he does.
Also does he live close enough to have them for tea a couple of times a week additionally.
He doesnt get to do the fun stuff without any of the work too.
Not sure what role you are in but could you say you have to go into work on x afternoon each week and so he needs to step op.

Livandme thanks for your advice, no he has no plans to take them anywhere. But they need a break as much as I do. He lives about 10 mins away but only feeds them when it’s his weekend.

I’m a teacher and have been teaching from home so these are my holidays too which are coming up but there are preparations for the new school year that I will actually need to go into school for during the holidays. His response to that is simply ‘take them with you.’

I don't understand why, if he was insistent on 50:50 equal split of everything, that didn't extend to the childcare?

The finances should only be split equally if the responsibilities are split equally too. As soon as one partner leaves the relationship with higher responsibilities, they need more of the assets to support them.

Have you done financial settlement? 50/50 asset split is unlikely to be fair or in the best interests of the kids if parenting and time with kids isn't also 50/50. It sounds like he's being a Disney dad. He should be doing more, they're his kids too. It's unfair and its not right. But while you can ask or talk to him about it there's no way to make him do a fair share of the parenting or give you a real break if he refuses to step up. Make sure you are getting the correct child support from him that reflects his minimal parenting and minimal overnights.

My solicitor never mentioned that a 50:50 financial split should also involve childcare. I just thought it was overnight stays as I absolutely didn’t want them to be living with him 50% of the time. Initially, we tried to go for 60:40 but he argued the toss so much that I relented to save myself a fortune in solicitor fees.
Of course no one saw lockdown coming, but I thought he could have offered to relieve the pressure on me, but oh no, turns out I married a prat.

GhostOfMe financial figures have been agreed just waiting to sign things which were delayed due to lockdown. I’m getting the correct amount of maintenance based on the CMS calculator for 1-2 nights weekly (fri and sat every fortnight.)

paris100 oh I feel for you.
You need a break much more than he does.
How old are your dc? How many do you have?
Tell him your dc are not able to go into work with you. Could he take them with him?
He needs it spelling out to him.
I found my ex only realised what I meant when I got angry with him and treated him like a child. Ie. Being scolded. Things are slightly better now I've worked out how to get through to him. If he acts like a child, I treat him like one!
Would this work?

I am a little unclear on where you are at with divorce / asset sharing etc. Has he got 50/50 responsibility for the dc?

Your solicitor did not consider the children. Shocking.

Also he is only having them on average 1 night per week, not 2. Please check the figures.
Don't sign anything, I think you need further advicw, he's taking the piss

Livandme 3 children, one teenager and 2 under 10s. Currently waiting for the separation agreement to be finalised and signed, so not actually divorced yet.

He doesn’t have 50:50 responsibility for the children but I assumed, as a parent, he would automatically have? Normally when they’re at school, I would organise their after school care, make sure I leave work in time to cook etc, homework and everything else that comes as a single parent.
He just picks them up a couple of times a week after tea to do fun things and has them overnight every second fri/sat.
The CmS calculator only has options of 1-2 nights per week which ours is based on or less than 1 night per week.

But I’ll be blunt and tell them I’m not taking them into work, if necessary I’ll drop them off at his work whether he likes it or not.

My ex is wfh during this time. He is having one child (I have 3) on 3 work days each week. (2 teens, 1 primary)
Granted he doesn't help them much but it means I can spend time with the other 2 trying to help them on the days he has one.
It's not ideal as I don't get a break in the week but I've insisted he takes them for tea an additional night too.
Sometimes they stay over but rarely.

Sounds like you are doing most of the work but he really needs to pick up some slack here with regards to the dc.
Can you go back to mediation and push for more? I'm not sure how it works (it's a bridge I have to cross)

My solicitor never mentioned that a 50:50 financial split should also involve childcare.

I'm not a solicitor, so maybe legally there's no reason it should. But it seems sensible to me that the person looking after the kids for the majority of the time needs a greater share of assets.

I think you can have contact schedules drawn up by a court, but again it would cost solicitor's fees :/