When did you last feel loved by your DH?

[Lockdownloneliness]

Name change for this (I hope)

So basically myself and DH are not in a great place at the moment, constantly snapping at eachother, basically surviving rather than living. I keep putting this down to lockdown right now and being unable to do anything nice together or as a family, however I do fear that this will continue past lockdown. My mental health isn’t great and I’m also putting this all on lockdown but again I fear it will continue.

I was talking to my sister last night, having a heart to heart. She asked me when was the last time I felt loved by my DH. I had to really think, and then it made me cry because I really couldn’t think of the last time.

I’m just interested really - when did you last feel loved by your DH and how?

Showing love and feeling loved should be the underpinning of your day to day lives rather than “times” you can recount where one or the other of you did something particularly special.

You need to have a proper frank conversation about the snapping at each other. Once your care and consideration for each other goes and you treat each other with casual disrespect it’s a downhill slope really. If there’s nothing else majorly wrong in the relationship then working on your communication methods would be a good place to start.

This morning, he made me a cup of tea, brought it to me and kissed me lots. I find it's the little things that make me feel loved instead of big gestures.

My DP tells me regularly how much he loves me and I’m beautiful etc. We’re very tactile together and he’ll sometimes surprise me when he nips to the shops with a bunch of flowers or my favourite chocolate. If we’re not together during the day then I’ll always get a nice text from him.
My previous relationship was the complete opposite. We were more like brother and sister who bickered all the time. Our sex life was non existent and he never gave me any compliments or wanted to hug/hold hands etc. Things like text messages or birthday cards from him would just be something very generic or silly, never thoughtful or loving.
If we went out for dinner we would run out of things to chat about quickly and sit there in silence. We loved spending time apart with our friends and it would be a chore to have to spend the weekend together. Hardly anything in common either and my gut instinct kept telling me that he wasn’t right for me. I stayed for so long as it was convenient financially. I wish I’d left him far sooner for my own sanity though

The little things really do matter when it comes to showing you care. Does he do little things to cheer you up, or support you? Asking because sometimes it’s easy to take for granted or become blind to our partner especially if the snapping overshadows the relationship. And vice versa, are you making any efforts yourself to show you care?

Wont it just make you feel worse to read lots of posts with examples of affectionate and loving men, when your DH so blatantly isnt?

Thinking back to my exH, i honestly couldnt tell you the last time i felt loved by him. I really couldnt. Maybe when DD was born. However, my current partner shows me he loves me in lots of little ways every day. He makes me a coffee before he leaves for work every day, and if hes on earlies and im not, he leaves the coffee in the mug, by the kettle, so its ready for me. Often he leaves a little note on it saying "love you".

I think I just wanted to see what was the “norm” in a long term relationship

I felt like you do for the last 4 or 5 years of my marriage. Its an awful place to be and eats away at your mental health.
You need your partner to be on your side.

Good luck op

This morning when he asked if I wanted a cup of tea and used a pet name.

2.5 years ago for felt sort of loved for 1 night. Before that, no idea. For many reasons, EA, lack of love and respect, physical agression etc I'm working towards separating.

I agree with pp that "feeling loved" should be the default state in a relationship, not a series of specific actions or moments. Things like gift giving, physical affection etc are wonderful ways to manifest your love, but they shouldnt be the main indicators that the love exists at all. I think that's why gift giving occasions take on so much significance for so many women, because they don't feel loved most of the time so these occassions become the major markers of whether or not they are actually loved. Forgive the cheesy analogy but if love was a sound it whould be the "white noise" that's always in the background, rather than periods of silence occasionally punctuated by loud music.

Have to say, every day there is some small thing, be it him offering a supportive word or rubbing me. He never does big romantic gestures but to me they don't mean as much as daily small things anyway.

About 10 minutes ago when he came to swat a giant mosquito for me!

We are generally very happy and loving together, but after 10 years, we do go through phases where we are less loving and affectionate / more irritable with each other but they come and go. After a recent spell like this I said to him "There doesn't feel like there's much love between us atm and it's making me sad'. He thought it was me being snipey, I thought it was him. We agreed to try and stop snapping at each other and make more of an effort to be kind to each other and things have been fine since. Do you feel you could raise it with him? Particularly when times are tough, it's easy to get into negative cycles where you are both reacting to each other with more of the same without really realising it and then you both become convinced it's the other persons fault.

Thank you, I am going to talk to him about it tonight. I agree re small things, there’s never been big gestures in our relationship which I’ve been fine with as that’s just who he is, but when the small things are now lacking, that’s when I know we are not in a good place

I feel constantly loved, even when we're bickering and getting on each other's nerves. Not in an obvious way it's just inherent.

We don't do big showy gestures/gifts/celebrations/surprises though so some friends think I'm missing out. But I prefer this way.

We've been together 9 years. I last felt loved about an hour ago. I was talking about a book I'm reading that he has no interest in at all but actively listened because it's important to me.

Last night when he drove me to a party, and then picked me up again at midnight so I didn't have to get a taxi

It all sounds a bit .miserable at your end @Lockdownloneliness - is it really worth spending the rest of your life in this if you can't even feel a bit of love?

This morning, twice

When he trimmed his beard and moustache, asked me to close my eyes then gave me a kiss 15 mins ago

@whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens

This morning, twice

#Propafilf 🤣

Every day, but its very much a two way thing. DH was on a long shift last night, so I ironed him a shirt, do he wouldn't have to do it when he got in.

He brings me a cuppa every morning, I wfh, so I get him one when he walks through the door. I couldn't imagine living without the little acts of love, but before I met DH I was in a very bad relationship where they were non-existent.

Probably about 10 years ago. Not really at all since we've had kids