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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My 3 year old son hates me

16 replies

Flynnp · 27/06/2020 08:39

Please help I'm so upset my 3 year old son hates me won't let me do anything, play etc this is putting real strain on my wife any help please?

OP posts:

category12 · 27/06/2020 08:49

How much time do you spend with him? What sort of parent would you say you are? He doesn't hate you, but little children can often be quite rude and want to announce a preference for one parent over the other.

NotaCoolMum · 27/06/2020 08:49

Why do you think he hates you? (I’m 100% sure he doesn’t by the way!)

HappyPunky · 27/06/2020 08:52

Get a new thing and sit playing with it and let him join in.

Playdough, arts and crafts, marble run (but watch out for the marbles at that age) train set

Howmanysleepsnow · 27/06/2020 08:54

He doesn’t hate you, he’s exercising control in one of the few ways he can at 3!
Have you tried playing something really exciting on your own (maybe with a new toy or something?) He May ask to join in. Or say your going somewhere he likes. If he asks to come tell him he has to bring his shoes to you quickly (time when mum is out the room) if he wants to come. If he doesn’t, go out alone (briefly).
All of mine had this phase. If you can’t win him round and want to ease the strain do it in other ways: housework, cooking etc.

Beni1993 · 27/06/2020 08:55

Really curious about why you think he hates you?! He's 3

Sounds like you are insecure/overly sensitive

Fanthorpe · 27/06/2020 08:56

Be calm, kind and loving, invite him to play with you, but don’t show disappointment if he chooses not to. Tell him you love him and his mum, be gentle. Ask him for a cuddle, but don’t push it if he chooses not to have one. When he says he ‘hates’ you ask him about it, briefly and calmly. Is that what he means?

Being three means he has simple understanding and a fairly narrow vocabulary and set of experiences. Be patient.

OneKeyAtATime · 27/06/2020 08:57

I don't think he could hate you at this age? Kids sometimes have 'favourites ', so a spell where they prefer mum, another where they gravitate more towards dad. Doesn't mean anything though.

corythatwas · 27/06/2020 10:03

He doesn’t hate you, he’s exercising control in one of the few ways he can at 3!

THIS. He may well switch round at some point and decide he wants you to do everything and not his mum.

What you and your wife need to do here is be the grown-ups. Present a united front. You calmly carry on doing things that need doing, be cheerful and loving when you speak to him, don't show upset when he seems to reject you. Tell him off gently if he is actually rude (but be aware that he won't quite understand why some things he says may be upsetting). Wait for this phase to pass.

Young children are not there to make us feel good about ourselves. We are there to show them that there is a stability beyond their own small volatile selves.

Keep going! Don't lose heart!

Original poster

Flynnp · 27/06/2020 10:36

Thank you for the advice. Except the insecure one that's not helpful! And if I was a dad saying that to a mum I would be vilified!!
Clearly I don't think he hates me in a nasty way. I have tried many tim s to be invol in play and I spend a lot of time with him. I guess it is perseverience and patience.

OP posts:

tinyvulture · 27/06/2020 10:40

My daughter used to be exactly like this towards me (her mom). I found it really hard too! All I can tell you is that is DOES pass - she and I have a completely fantastic, very close relationship now.

theproblemwitheyes · 27/06/2020 10:43

Do you actually spend much time with him? Maybe give your wife a couple of hours to herself each day, get her to go out or have a bath, be somewhere he can't see her, and then just perservere.

RLEOM · 27/06/2020 10:47

Do you put him to bed? Try doing some bedtime bonding by reading books.

If it helps, when my 2 year old goes to her dad's and I collect her, she doesn't want me, just wants her dad. When he collects her from me, she still doesn't want me. It hurts, but that's OK because she's diddly. I know she loves me but she's definitely Daddy's girl.

Laserbird16 · 27/06/2020 10:55

Oh man. You are giving me flash backs to DD1 last year.

First of all he doesn't hate you and second yes this is hard all round. I could have/did cry with exhaustion because no one could do anything for DD but me. I could have also murdered DH as he was so upset by it and then I had two people I needed to take care of.

However, it got better. Keep loving him, ask your wife to go out and leave you to it, and don't take it personally. Look after yourself and cling to those moments when DC isn't screaming at you to go away as only mummy will do

Support your wife too as it is tough being number 1!

Instamaticgreenery · 27/06/2020 10:55

I think I googled 'my three year old hates me' with both my sons!

I know it feels horrible. I'm a single mum and when my youngest needed to come back from his dads he would scream and cry and cling to him. He would say to me often 'I don't love you, I love daddy!'

He's coming up to four now and what has helped so much is spending time with him just the two of us while my eldest is at school. Lockdown has also helped as he hasn't been shifted from nursery to home to daddy's house quite so often. Or maybe none of those things helped it's just that he's got out of the phase.

But now he says 'I love you AND I love daddy'.

I am pretty sure your little one will grow out of it too

Lolapusht · 27/06/2020 12:56

OP, have a read of this www.janetlansbury.com/2015/02/when-children-prefer-one-parent

Aria2015 · 27/06/2020 13:06

Aw my son was like this with my dh (his dad) at 3. He had a super strong preference for me and didn't want his dad for anything. It's very normal for children to have a 'favourite' parent but they do grow out of it. My son is 4 now and much more even handed between us. I'd say the important thing is to not get deflated in front of him and just try and do fun stuff one-on-one if you can. I know it must sting but try not to let it show and definitely don't pull away as it can make thing worse. Also ask your wife to build you up in front of him and pull him up if he says anything hurtful. So my lo would say 'I want mummy' and that's ok, but if he said 'I don't like daddy' or he told his dad to go away, I'd always make it clear to him that that wasn't a very kind way to speak to his dad. I'd also pretend I didn't know how to do certain things and say 'mummy doesn't know how to do it but daddy does' to encourage him to go to him for help or to play / build something.

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