A question about "eligible" narcissists and choosing to remain single

[upsidedownbuttercat]

I became aware at quite a young age that it was possible for people to come across as absolutely wonderful to begin with then suddenly turn and reveal their awful true self. I'd therefore always vowed to never rush into marriage or having children and to give every new relationship several years before making such a big decision. But I'm 38 and single and would dearly love to have children and I'm becoming painfully aware that this may not be a luxury open to me and that things might have to be more rushed than I'd like if I ever eventually meet someone I click with. But I still want to take any precautions that I can.

I was therefore wondering if anyone could tell me if narcissists who are good looking, likeable and have good relationship skills ever stay single out of choice for any significant length of time? Or do they need the supply that comes from a romantic relationship? Would the fact that someone who could easily find a partner had chosen to stay single for significant periods in his life be an indication that narcissism was unlikely or impossible? Or is this just rubbish?

Have you stayed single for significant periods?

Murrfect - yes, and I'm not a narcissist! I have no need for narcissistic supply.

I'm not an expert,so these are just some of my thoughts.

IDK, I think they might be more likely to be on the market as they can't sustain relationships as easily maybe?

Or do they need the supply that comes from a romantic relationship? Would the fact that someone who could easily find a partner had chosen to stay single for significant periods in his life be an indication that narcissism was unlikely or impossible?

They could gain supply by having flings/multiple lovers, or from other sources such as friends or careers. If they could easily find a partner, it could be that they don't think anyone is good enough for them. They might be able to easily find a partner through looks or charm, but then turn nasty so people dump them. I suppose part of narcissism is about control, so they might like to keep all their options open. They like to have several people on the go that they can pick up and drop as they wish. You might well not know the half of what they're getting upto.

Looking back, I think there are tell-tale signs of a narcissist. They probably make boastful comments about themselves that the average person wouldn't say. I've had some say 'I'm the best at X' 'It's tough at the top' 'I'm the alpha male' and one who thought he was the cleverest and funniest person in every room, wonderful at virtually anything- that one admitted to having narcissistic traits but claimed it was to compensate for insecurities.

Hmm, yeah, interesting points NoMoreDickheads - I suppose the only people I've felt I could say were definite narcs have never been single so I was hoping it might be as simple as that to identify them but suspected it might not be and all of those things make a lot of sense. I suppose I've always thought the ones that know what they're doing know how not to get dumped but I do wonder if information sharing and the internet (and sites like mumsnet) is making that more difficult for them...

IME it's perfectly possible for them to stay single. I know one who has been single a lot. He uses it to his advantage - able to run about after people playing the hero, able to claim he doesn't use women, able to chop and change plans to suit his main supply without any responsibility.

Oh dear, there goes that theory but thanks for sharing your experience PositiveLife. He sounds very manipulative!

I've always thought the ones that know what they're doing know how not to get dumped

Sometimes they might get dumped, as people can be thick and narcissistic I suppose, but also they discard people, but keep them on the back burner, often have a lot of irons in the fire and pick up and drop them at their convenience.

Apologies @upsidedownbuttercat I got distracted.

The thing is not that he’s been single so therefore may be a narcissist, as you have been single for periods and are not.

The thing is whether you judge that he shows those traits and whether he has chosen to be single for periods of time, perhaps because he chooses his relationships carefully is not the deciding factor.

Whether he is or not is another thing again

@Murrfect Makes a good point. It sounds like you're looking for something that'd make you more confident someone isn't a narc. It's probably not good to lower your vigilance that way.

I just read a good book, 'Stop Signs' partly about red flags. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1580053874?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 Would recommend.

What she says about past partners is that a bloke having multiple/previous marriages makes a future marriage more likely to be unsuccessful unfortunately.

Also to look out for how he refers to exes 'wh*re' 'psycho' 'bitch' etc.

The rest of the 'red flags' section is about what you can pick up about his character through numerous factors and what to avoid.

Oh I wouldn't lower my vigilence at all - it's just that I worry there won't be any signs until it's too late as sometimes people report (although it's hard to tell if there have been and they've just missed them - I don't tend to miss that kind of thing). I ditch men at the first red flag. Just worry about a relationship when the first red flag isn't until I'm pregnant or something.