How to retain dignity when breaking up with someone

newname333 · 2020-06-26T01:03:32+00:00

Some of you may have seen my recent post 'constantly deflecting with humour'. After a few awful days/nights where I have been crying and incredibly distressed, I have seen sense and decided that you are all right with what you said. I am incredibly grateful to those who replied - they have really clarified things for me. I am going to end the relationship tomorrow. I doubt he senses it's coming because even though I have effectively told him through text, he skim reads things, probably thinks he can charm me back and probably doesn't think I would ever really break up with him. I want to retain some dignity when I break up with him tomorrow. Here are some of my ideas of how I will do it: - no crying or shouting (he views emotion as weakness) - very little talking/explanation (I have tried so many times to talk to him about things and he doesn't get it - I end up becoming upset and emotional - keeping it short and sweet Any other tips?

TorkTorkBam · 26/06/2020 02:13

Zero explanation that relates to him. Keep it all about you.

I don't think I have read your other threads.

Sounds like he is a dick therefore sod speaking to him.

Message "I am not happy. It has been building for a while. It is me not you. It's over. I won't be back in contact. All the best for the future."

Block and delete.

You have given him a wonderful gift. He can bitch and moan about what a cold cow you are forever and a day.

occa · 26/06/2020 02:37

I haven't seen your other threads but your plan sounds good. Don't apologize, don't over explain or feel you have to keep talking to fill a void.

Plan your exit before you start, if you're doing it in person. The quicker you can get it over with the better, anticipation is the killer.

Make sure you can cut him off and get out of sight/earshot quickly if you feel yourself start to wobble.

And yes to block and delete right away.

user1481840227 · 26/06/2020 02:52

The plan sounds perfect if you can pull it off that way.

I read your other thread and I wouldn't be surprised if he laughed at you or made a stupid comment designed to shut you up though and in that case you might react the exact way you don't want to react.

So as the pp said, make sure you can cut him off and leave quickly if that happens. Plan exactly what you're going to say if that happens and say it and get out of there.

Original poster

newname333 · 26/06/2020 23:36

@TorkTorkBam

Zero explanation that relates to him. Keep it all about you.

I don't think I have read your other threads.

Sounds like he is a dick therefore sod speaking to him.

Message "I am not happy. It has been building for a while. It is me not you. It's over. I won't be back in contact. All the best for the future."

Block and delete.

You have given him a wonderful gift. He can bitch and moan about what a cold cow you are forever and a day.

Ughhh well it didn't go to plan at all. He was not disparaging in any way. I was fully expecting him to tell me that I was over reacting, being over emotional etc but he was genuinely upset that he had made me so unhappy. He had tears in his eyes which, for someone who tends to see showing emotion as weakness, is a big deal. He says he will change, wants to make it work, wants to show me he cares etc. Is this just the way he behaves because he works in an aggressive environment and has been around male friends and 'banter' for too long?

I'm so confused now as to whether I should give him another chance. He is such a great guy in so many ways - affectionate, helpful (he has done so much in the new house I have bought in order to save me money), funny, caring in his own way (makes dinners I like, advises me on things I don't know about that I have knowledge of, makes an effort with my friends and family). I don't want to make a mistake by walking away from something that could be great but I equally don't want to make a mistake by staying for too long if there's no future!

OP posts:

Beanie288 · 26/06/2020 23:50

I've just posted a thread tonight about leaving my DP, I'm heart broken but it was the best decision for both of us.

I left my DP and he also cried. He's similar to your DP, does absolutely anything for me and has so many good traits. But I am tired and you sound tired too.

Straight after breaking up with him, I had the same doubts as you. Have I made the right decision????
The reason why we question ourselves is because of pain. We confuse pain with being 'we've done something wrong'

My suggestion is to go no contact for a while. Workout what you want. Cry your eyes out, I'm in that process at the moment
But you've got to stay strong.

Beanie288 · 26/06/2020 23:59

Also wanted to add, my ex also works in a 'blokey' environment, construction workers with disgusting banter but he didn't speak to me like your DP does. I wouldn't let him use that as an excuse.

user1481840227 · 27/06/2020 00:23

He had tears in his eyes which, for someone who tends to see showing emotion as weakness, is a big deal. He says he will change, wants to make it work, wants to show me he cares etc. Is this just the way he behaves because he works in an aggressive environment and has been around male friends and 'banter' for too long?

I wouldn't trust this as far as I could throw him...the guy who ridicules your emotions and says you're an emotional terrorist and he won't negotiate with terrorists is not suddenly going to become kind and empathetic and be able to listen to you and deal with conflict or confrontation or emotions overnight!

TorkTorkBam · 27/06/2020 00:25

he was genuinely upset that he had made me so unhappy.

What? So he hadn't noticed you were this unhappy before? What was he doing then? Completely ignoring what you said? Does this mean his approach to life with you is to ignore what you say until you go nuclear?

NoMoreDickheads · 27/06/2020 00:38

I would have just blocked him maybe.

They can fake tears if it gets them what they want. He's known he's hurt you before but hasn't cared and has treated you with disdain. Now you've threatened to stop him having access to what he gets out of it, he cares or 'cares.' All this shows is he got something out of the relationship.

Is this just the way he behaves because he works in an aggressive environment and has been around male friends and 'banter' for too long?

No, he uses psychobabble and pseudo-intellectual phrasing which isn't blokey- 'you're an emotional terrorist and I don't negotiate with terrorists.' 'Bring an emotionally stable version of yourself' - this isn't stereotypically blokey, it's a bit camp if anything.

I don't want to make a mistake by walking away from something that could be great but I equally don't want to make a mistake by staying for too long if there's no future!

I wouldn't worry about whether it has a future, I would worry about the fact that he has been hurting and disrespecting you now, in the present, and that has to end.

OK you've given him an ultimatum effectively, you've drawn a red line, please keep that line. If he does it again throw him back into the sea. Preferably a sewage-y bit.

If you must keep this wanker for a bit longer, please let us know how it goes/how you are. xxx

Original poster

newname333 · 27/06/2020 22:54

@user1481840227

He had tears in his eyes which, for someone who tends to see showing emotion as weakness, is a big deal. He says he will change, wants to make it work, wants to show me he cares etc. Is this just the way he behaves because he works in an aggressive environment and has been around male friends and 'banter' for too long?

I wouldn't trust this as far as I could throw him...the guy who ridicules your emotions and says you're an emotional terrorist and he won't negotiate with terrorists is not suddenly going to become kind and empathetic and be able to listen to you and deal with conflict or confrontation or emotions overnight!

Yes, I did wonder whether it could be part of him trying to manipulate me...

OP posts:

Original poster

newname333 · 27/06/2020 22:58

@TorkTorkBam

he was genuinely upset that he had made me so unhappy.

What? So he hadn't noticed you were this unhappy before? What was he doing then? Completely ignoring what you said? Does this mean his approach to life with you is to ignore what you say until you go nuclear?

Again, you're probably right...we've had conversations in the past but I've always been afraid to be too forceful in case he ends it (I literally have no idea what has happened to my standards or self esteem!). The difference now is that I'm not afraid to end it and he knows that, hence why he is stepping up. Probably not really the behaviour I want in a partner now I think about it!

OP posts:

Original poster

newname333 · 27/06/2020 23:00

@NoMoreDickheads

I would have just blocked him maybe.

They can fake tears if it gets them what they want. He's known he's hurt you before but hasn't cared and has treated you with disdain. Now you've threatened to stop him having access to what he gets out of it, he cares or 'cares.' All this shows is he got something out of the relationship.

Is this just the way he behaves because he works in an aggressive environment and has been around male friends and 'banter' for too long?

No, he uses psychobabble and pseudo-intellectual phrasing which isn't blokey- 'you're an emotional terrorist and I don't negotiate with terrorists.' 'Bring an emotionally stable version of yourself' - this isn't stereotypically blokey, it's a bit camp if anything.

I don't want to make a mistake by walking away from something that could be great but I equally don't want to make a mistake by staying for too long if there's no future!

I wouldn't worry about whether it has a future, I would worry about the fact that he has been hurting and disrespecting you now, in the present, and that has to end.

OK you've given him an ultimatum effectively, you've drawn a red line, please keep that line. If he does it again throw him back into the sea. Preferably a sewage-y bit.

If you must keep this wanker for a bit longer, please let us know how it goes/how you are. xxx

Thank you. I have a lot of respect for your opinion and now I've had a day to think and process things I think you are probably right about everything. How on earth did I get into this mess???? Really appreciate your support xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

newname333 · 28/06/2020 04:29

@Beanie288

I've just posted a thread tonight about leaving my DP, I'm heart broken but it was the best decision for both of us.

I left my DP and he also cried. He's similar to your DP, does absolutely anything for me and has so many good traits. But I am tired and you sound tired too.

Straight after breaking up with him, I had the same doubts as you. Have I made the right decision????
The reason why we question ourselves is because of pain. We confuse pain with being 'we've done something wrong'

My suggestion is to go no contact for a while. Workout what you want. Cry your eyes out, I'm in that process at the moment
But you've got to stay strong.

Sorry to hear you're going through this too, sending hugs. I had no appreciation of how hard it is to end a relationship, even if it's not right.

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 28/06/2020 05:05

The difference now is that I'm not afraid to end it and he knows that, hence why he is stepping up. Probably not really the behaviour I want in a partner now I think about it!

Correction - He is saying that he's going to step up. That is not the same as stepping up. Men make those kind of promises all the damn time and fall at the first hurdle...or the second they've stopped being in lickarse mode!!

I think sometimes men who behave like this can change......BUT that might be after years or decades when they've went through loss and learned a lot about what wrong and they've been matured...but men who act like this guy, who ridicule a woman for having an emotion do not change overnight or simply because of the threat of losing their partner. They're not capable of it! It is a very very long process. His natural instinct is to say something to shut you up and shut you down if it's something he doesn't want to deal with.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/06/2020 05:13

You’ve done the right thing by ending it OP

Grieve for a while, think about what you can learn from the relationship, reset your boundaries if need be then move on

There’s someone better out there