How to nurture my mental health and self-esteem in a negative environment?

[LowInLockdown]

I am a young adult and live at home with my parents and my brother and sister. I have found it quite difficult during the lockdown period. I know the obvious answer to this is "move out" and that is something I am actively working towards but it is not possible for the next few months at least. Therefore, I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to protect my self-esteem and happiness whilst in this environment in the meantime.

My DF I strongly suspect has NPD which makes him difficult to be around. Sometimes he can be friendly but other times he just switches. I find it really damaging to my self-esteem because sometimes the smallest thing I do or say will make him reply in a horrible tone and it makes me feel like I can never say or do the right thing. To give an example, yesterday I asked him if the plate on the side in the kitchen was his as I was loading the dishwasher and didn't want to load a plate that he was using and he snapped back "Yes. It's my plate. In my kitchen. Is that ok with you?" in a really sarcastic voice. This kind of thing happens all the time and the example I gave is a relatively minor one. However it makes me feel like I am constantly doing something wrong and I think it is one of the reasons that I am really shy and reserved as a person.

Aside from that I just feel like the dynamic is not quite right. Nobody speaks to each other apart from passing comments if you happen to be in the kitchen with them, for example. We never sit together as a family and everyone is always alone in separate rooms. I go and sit in the living room or conservatory to make conversation or see if anyone wants to watch a film with me or something and either nobody is in there because they are all in their bedrooms or the study or they mumble an answer whilst on their phone. Please don't misunderstand my expectations; I don't expect to walk into a room and for them to drop everything and entertain me. I understand that people need and deserve time alone. I just feel sad that there are never any conversations, never any meals together, no family BBQs, etc. I had a birthday during lockdown and just spent the day sitting in the living room alone. In contrast when it was my sister's birthday a few weeks later I made sure she had a special day and baked a birthday cake and ordered us her favourite takeaway and made it as best as I could given the circumstances of lockdown. I know I am an adult so birthdays are not a big deal but I just feel like it really makes me feel quite unloved in my family. Another example is when I graduated nobody wanted to go for a meal to celebrate so it was just me and my DM (I am grateful that my DM took me for a meal, I don't mean to sound ungrateful I just wish more of my family would have attended).

Sometimes I feel like everyone else in my family is coasting along and I am the only one truly present? I feel like I am not seen or heard. But when I am heard I am criticised or somehow manage to upset someone (usually my DF).

"Aside from that I just feel like the dynamic is not quite right. Nobody speaks to each other apart from passing comments if you happen to be in the kitchen with them, for example. We never sit together as a family and everyone is always alone in separate rooms. I go and sit in the living room or conservatory to make conversation or see if anyone wants to watch a film with me or something and either nobody is in there because they are all in their bedrooms or the study or they mumble an answer whilst on their phone. Please don't misunderstand my expectations; I don't expect to walk into a room and for them to drop everything and entertain me. I understand that people need and deserve time alone. I just feel sad that there are never any conversations, never any meals together, no family BBQs, etc. I had a birthday during lockdown and just spent the day sitting in the living room alone"

My family is similar to this. When I lived at home as a young adult, my brother would stay in his bedroom and we'd only speak when we'd pass each other. We never sat together for a meal or BBQ, never gone out for a meal with my family either. It was my brothers birthday during lockdown and he spent the day in his bedroom, but my mum did make a cake and buffet food for dinner. We all ate at different times and I was the one to cut his cake and take a slice because he wasn't really interested. I always wanted the family meals, or even a girly night with my mum but it doesn't happen and I accepted that. I found what helped me was to focus my time on a hobby, like painting or learn something new online. I also tried my best to appreciate the family that I did have and focus on the good things.
I don't have much advice about your Dad. I grew up with a Dad but I'm sure others will have some help for you.

How do you cope? By accepting that this is how it is. At present you are still hoping for change and every time your hopes are dashed it chips away at you. Disengage, disengage, disengage.

Focus on getting out!

That's so hard.

Look after yourself, you're kind of like a athlete taking part in a grueling challenge. Eat well, exercise and sleep well. Do lots of things that you enjoy hobbies, uplifting movies, talk to people who do make yo feel good.

Then accept you can't change them. Spend less time around them if you can. If you get sniped something that has worked for me is just carrying on like it was said nicely. Eg 'plate gate' easy breezy reply ' cool, I was just stacking the dishwasher, I'll leave it out' and exit as soon as possible. Don't take it personally if you can it's to do with your father not you, you can't fix him

Get therapy if you can, start putting plans in motion to move out, and nurture yourself. You are going to have to be your own hypeman and will probably grieve the family you wish you had. As an adult you get to pick and choose important relationships and will find your people

From what you say about your dad being difficult and switching you sound like you are describing a family dynamic where people have withdraw to avoid further conflict or because of what's been said done previously. If that's the case,
you can't fix this by yourself...nor will it suddenly get better to be a functioning family unit.

What you can do is strengthen your relationships as an individual. You did a nice thing in making your sister a birthday cake. Keep doing things like that to build one on one relationships where you can. Say hello and stop to chat when you pass, ask them how there day was etc Give them a chance and a reason to join you in stuff, so say ....do you want to (bake a cake/cook a pizza/go for a short walk/watch a film) later...then if they say no, do it anyway, say it was fun and your sorry they didn't come then and ask again. Surely one of them is like you enough to say yes eventually.

At the same time start planning for the future...career wise, money wise, housing wise, travel. Get advice from books / you tube/ wherever and really plan for the life you want. it won't always be like this... and while you do that look after yourself. . Make sure your room is a pleasant environment...you spend a lot of time there so it will help. Exercise. Contact friends or look for ways to make new ones. Also consider counselling especially if you feel your shyness is a reaction to your environment not who you really are.

Good luck. Take care. You can get through this 💐💐💐💐

It sounds tough but is it worse because of lockdown? I have hated being cooped up with my DH and DS, normally we get on fine, but three months with no change of scenery, nowhere to go, little 'news' to talk about has really frustrated me. We do a lot of things together but I feel like I never want to play cards or a board game in my life again and the thought of sitting and eating a meal on my own is such a treat.

I was absolutely delighted to get the call to return from furlough and have being doing lots of extra hours (unpaid) just to get out of the house .

Thank you for all the replies everyone.

@24kl Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Thank you for your advice, I think you are right that I need to shift to a mindset of how I can make my situation better for myself by finding more hobbies etc rather than hoping for a change in family dynamic.

@AgentJohnson That is so true and I never really recognised that. It definitely does chip away at me and is very demoralising everytime it happens.

@Laserbird16 Thank you for your reply. I like the approach of focussing on things I can do in this situation like spending time on hobbies etc. I feel like I never really thought of that and instead I would spend most evenings in the living room hoping someone would come in and join me or spending time sitting with someone hoping for a conversation when they are just on their phones. I will definitely think up more productive and better ways to spend my time.

@5LeafPenguin I agree, I think a lot of this dynamic is a result of my DF. I like the idea of focussing on individual relationships within the family, that is a really helpful perspective. Thank you for your advice.

@Ragwort No, the family dynamic has not changed or worsened during lockdown. It has always been like this. I think before I never noticed as much because I would get my social interaction 'fix' from friends and I would be out doing things. Whereas during the lockdown I have felt really lonely and it has made me realise that my family do not really provide much social interaction. I am quite an introvert myself so it is not like I need constant interaction with others but I do need something.

I agree with the idea of seeing if you can get counselling. Sounds as if something funny is going on with your father and it's making family life impossible. Are your brother and sister younger than you? If so, it's not too surprising if they are just keeping their heads down at this stage. Do you think your mother will stay after the last child flies the nest?
Anything you could do to get out of the house more? Part time job at the supermarket or something? Training for a marathon?

Thank you for replying. Don't be disheartened if you can't build time with everyone or it takes more than one go to get through the apathy. Just keep asking (unless you are being met by abuse in which case back off from that person). Another point ( and you'd probably thought of this) is to ask about their interests...maybe now is the time to find out about the online game someone is playing , make someone an unexpected cuppa or just try watching a TV show they like. Little things that improve communication. Anything that gets you laughing together is best, even for a short while , but conversation is s good start..

You talked again about the impact of your dads difficult behaiviour. Counselling will help with this and is important for you to get your head round....you have a life long of relationships ahead of you. As you are a young adult you might be able to find a counselling start point through a telephone line...(relate, young minds are two that spring to mind). Don't make the mistake of thinking you are not needy enough to ask for help. Whatever is going on in your house is affecting your mental health. That's why they are there.

Take care and keep going 💐

Are you working? If not, work on getting a job that will get you out of the house. Then you can find a house share with a group of girls.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you are not needy enough to ask for help.
5LeafPenguin makes a good point. Get counselling now rather than later, it will make your life much better.

Thank you again for the replies. My sister is younger than me but my brother is a year older. I will definitely consider counselling. It has been difficult as a year or so ago I would have said that my Dad was a relatively good parent just overprotective and easily angered and that it was mine and the rest of the family's fault for his tempers (we are too noisy, too selfish, too this, too that). I was completely oblivious to it all. Now I have seen the web of manipulation that exists and how constricting and suffocating it is. When I have tried to instill small, reasonable boundaries I have seen my Dad completely turn against me in a way I didn't think he ever could or would. It has been quite dizzying at times and very hurtful.

I will definitely work on my relationships with other members of my family but I feel like I also have to protect myself there too. I was having lunch with my DM for once and speaking to her and she just went on her phone when I was mid-sentence and ignored what I was saying for the rest of the conversation. I know that is not a big deal; I am just overly sensitive at the moment. However it happens all the time and I think I need to have more self-respect.

I'm sorry your mum didn't realise that you wanted to talk or give you her full attention.

Don't give up trying and don't be too down on yourself for being upset by it , maybe think of what you could do if it happens again just to let her know it's not ok with you eg stop talking, leave the room, text her to ask her to put her phone down and chat, ask her if she's listening.

You are being brave to face up to this and try to change how things are for you, but it's not going to work instantly...I'm afraid you've ended up with be of life's tough crowds.

I hope the counselling goes well. You are stronger than you think.

Take care and very best of luck

OP - I think you have been given some good advice. I just wanted to send you a - it is sad that you feel so isolated in your own home.

I am glad to hear that you have social opportunities outside of the house - I hope that now restrictions are easing you are managing to make touch with your friends.

I lived with someone with narcissistic traits. The biggest change for me was strengthening my self compassion until I could leave because I wasn't getting much from him!

I'd suggest compassionate letter writing and compassionate other visualisation. If you live with some so disparaging it can slip into your self talk and then there's basically two people trying to pull down!

If you can focus on self compassion it's then much easier to meet your own needs rather than hoping others will meet you when they have no interest and to set boundaries, especially with parents. There can be this expectation that we have to put up with crappy behaviour from our parents when if we met them outside the family we probably wouldn't give them the time of day.