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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Possibly too soon but...dating sites? And avoiding fuckwits?

9 replies

ellifjg · 25/06/2020 13:58

I ended a long term relationship a few months ago. I am still pretty heartbroken about it, I thought we were for keeps and it is really hard to deal with the loss of him, and the future I thought we had together.

I don't think I'm ready to properly date yet. But realistically proper dates are still a while off anyway I think while lockdown restrictions continue, and I'm thinking maybe I should just set up a profile and try and get used to at least conversing with someone else?

Although I met my Ex on a dating site, I had some truly awful experiences before metaphorically stumbling across his profile, encountering gaslighters, racists, sexists, misogynists. I was called all kinds of names and I suffered a (thankfully relatively minor) sexual assault. Pretty terrible all round. However I am nearly a decade older and wiser now, and highly intolerant of other people's bullshit so I hope my experience would be better now.

I know there's no way to avoid awful messages entirely, but the thought of getting into dialogue with the ones who 'and you?' the whole time because they can't think of their own questions, or end every sentence with hun. Or have no conversation. Or ask stuff like 'what are you looking for?' which I read as code for they're after a ONS, or sexting or whatever. All of this just makes me heave.

Maybe it's too soon? What do you think? Should I leave it until I feel more ready? My thinking was that if once I've done it, it all feels too soon I will just delete immediately and leave it another few months.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 25/06/2020 15:08

I'm in a similar position, I've just split from someone, am heartbroken so am looking to online date as a distraction to move on. But the last few times I've been online makes me feel a bit sick. The same old faces on there, unflattering pics of mainly unattractive men and then the mundane conversation which is like pulling teeth. I've had two social distance dates which were dismal as I felt no spark at all. I've decided to leave it for a good while as its just utterly depressing and I think unless you're in a fairly positive frame of mind about it, its a bit soul destroying.

bumbleb33s · 25/06/2020 15:19

I’m in the same position, going through a recent breakup. Before I met him I was OLD and it was horrendous, I’ve decided that although it would be a distraction to stop me thinking about my ex pretty much 24/7 I cannot put myself through it, so I’m hoping after lockdown that I can, maybe, go out and meet someone organically ... though nowhere near ready yet as still heartbroken 😔

Mermaidwaves · 25/06/2020 16:06

Bumble I'm hoping the same to meet someone in real life naturally. Its hard to imagine though as I'm still hurting badly over my last guy.

bumbleb33s · 25/06/2020 17:12

@Mermaidwaves it’s so hard to think about meeting anyone else at the moment, I’m not ready for that as I am still pining for my ex, thankfully I have great friends who are planning nice things for me when I’m ready. I hope you do too. How long were you together and when did you split? x

ellifjg · 25/06/2020 23:01

It's so hard isn't it...thanks for replying, it helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation but also I'm sad that others are going through this. I feel the current situation makes it harder because there is no immediate prospect of nights out with friends, or really seeing anyone at all (if you're WFH like me, or furloughed) to distract from it...

I'd always thought I'd we did ever split up I'd try to meet someone organically but that seems like it will be difficult for a while to come. Equally though I'm not sure I'm in the positive mindset that is required for dating sites and I don't want to end up feeling even sadder than I do now!

OP posts:
Msyoganidra32 · 25/06/2020 23:11

Hi
Just reading and you may want to check out the dating thread on here some very useful tips and advice from men and women in similar positions and I agree it's a minefield.
It can be depressing and soul destroying if you let it and yes I agree same sad faces some men are serial OLD and never settle it's a sad state of affairs really ...

Mermaidwaves · 26/06/2020 00:04

@bumbleb33s we were only together a few months but I fell hard for him, he saw it as more FWB and hes moved on. The chemistry was insane and I think I will struggle to find it again.

@ellifjg its a really difficult time to meet someone naturally isnt it and its so hard not being able to socialise properly with friends as a distraction. But online dating just seems to bring heartache and stress.

Bunnymumy · 26/06/2020 00:10

I'd wait until lockdown lifts. As you won't be able to tell the time wasters who are just on there for an ego boost by talking to people, from the ones genuinely looking for a partner rn as you can't really meet. Well, unless you can do park walks or something I suppose.

Plus they'll be swarming with even more narcissists who have exhausted their current supply atm because there's no other way to meet new folks.

ellifjg · 26/06/2020 00:42

Maybe it is too soon? I'd like some entertaining conversation, to meet interesting people but realistically if past experiences are anything to go by, it will be mundane chit chat with weird or dull men!

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