met a man I like but not sure how much, a few problems including ED

[sweetbirdofjuice]

Hi all,

I am 34, single and really want a partner, family and biological children. I have had good relationships and many, many, many dates so I am meeting men but have not quite found the enduring right guy.

I am really not looking forward to starting online dating again. I have tried at length plus am socially active etc.

There is someone i met OLD 2 years ago and have been on and off in contact since. We had a lot of sexual chemistry, he's kind, very intelligent, caring and successful. He is very interested in me.

However, we don't have a huge amount in common and not to sound too shallow, but some of his presentation is really off-putting (he is a really terrible dresser- really worn out, holey clothes, a lot of knackered free promotional tshirts etc - despite having plenty of money). He will occasionally buy new things if I push him to but it is an uphill struggle with a lot of pushback. I'm not looking for immaculate or super- stylish, just presentable would be nice. I do see the endearing side but it is too much, frankly.

Anyway. I am considering giving things with him a go properly. It sounds awful to think of it as 'settling' as I am not better than him and he has a lot going for him. But whilst we have that chemistry, it just doesn't feel like we are quite on a wavelength even though we care for each other a lot. Some of that could be put down to different cultures and different areas of expertise/ work/ education.

Also, he has ED. This is new, he didn't have it when we met. I'm not looking for a convenient sperm donor but I am looking for a relationship with the potential to become long term as I do want to have children in the next few years (as does he). He hasn't seen a GP yet.

I am aware I sound quite cold and negative about a lovely guy here, I'm just not sure whether this is right to pursue. He really likes me and is a good man. I like a lot of things about him.

The thing is, in nearly 3 years of dating and short relationships haven't met anyone i have felt a genuine romantic, full- package connection with, other than one who didn't continue things so I am not feeling hopeful about meeting someone who I feel strongly about anytime soon.

Argh. What would you suggest? I would in principle be open to a sperm donor and then worry about relationships in slower time but for a couple of reasons that would not be ideal for me.

No, do not go down this particular rabbit hole. You two did not get together properly two years ago and its not going to happen now.

Do not settle here; find someone who is truly compatible with you in all ways rather than settling and otherwise selling your own self short. You cannot create chemistry if it is not already there.

It sounds like the epitome of settling to me OP.

He is a backup, it isn't fair on either of you and I would let it go and keep looking. Things will get easier as lockdown eases. You don't need to tie yourself in with a man you sound like you've gone off way before anything has even started in pursuit of a baby. If you lived together all these things you already don't like will ne significantly exacerbated and a turn off. The sexual chemistry won't even get you far if you're not having sex.

No, I don't think it will work LT. You don't really in your heart want to be with this guy and it doesn't sound as if he is super keen either. The ED is a big red flag, usually just gets worse and will chip away at your self esteem and bring you down and if you want a family... then ED and TTC are not a good pairing.

Thanks all. I feel like you're right. Getting it all written down was helpful.

This just feels like a weird position to be in. I don't want to waste loads more time and never find anyone, and miss the chance to have a family when I have someone who really wants to be with me and is a good guy.

But then tbh the ED stuff is a depressing prospect, I have no idea whether it will get better and whilst he is very nice, I can see us running out of things to talk about. There's very little crossover in our interests or tastes and when we laugh, it's usually me making the joke.

I know rationally this wouldn't be right. Just don't get why so many people seem to easily find someone right for them and not me! Feels like a huge string of men i don't click with interspersed with nearish misses.

Just don't get why so many people seem to easily find someone right for them and not me! Feels like a huge string of men i don't click with interspersed with nearish misses.

Well everyone has every single relationship they ever get into fail in some way except, if you're lucky, the last one. We're all losers much more than we're winners in love.

Don't start something up with someone you're not attracted to and don't like very much! The ED is honestly kind of irrelevant given that you clearly don't want to get into the sack with him in the first place!

Been there. Suspect not neurotypical. Trouble ahead for you, could also present in children.

Try something (someone) else. 💐

Keep looking. Maybe think again in another two years if you haven't found someone right.

I know this is really hard to hear if you want kids and don't have any, but it honestly is a terrible idea to have a child on purpose with someone you don't much like, unless you've got some sort of sperm donor agreement with him. In the guise of loving him and wanting a relationship, it's honestly such a bad idea. Don't.

Don't do it OP. It takes two people to make a child and the child could be the living spit of him.

Thanks everyone, you're all so right. Back on Bumble it is. I need to get my enthusiasm back though!

Ha fuckoff that made me smile. Sod's law it would be the dress sense they took after!

Avoid!