Is it possible to make it work when the two of you are fundamentally different?

[sensitivesoulman]

My gf of a year and a half get on well and have a lot of fun together. I genuinely enjoy spending time with her and care about her a lot. However, there are some core differences between us - some fundamental, others less so. Friends/family have told me it cannot work long term due to these.

Examples:

• I am emotional, she is not and tends to avoid any kind of emotional chat

• She is incredibly career/money driven whereas I chose a job I enjoy and find rewarding

• She is sometimes a little unfeeling/uncaring whereas I can be too feeling/caring

• She is a morning person and tends to regard lying in as lazy or a waste of time whereas I am most definitely not a morning person and need lie-ins at the weekend to recharge my batteries

• She is more right wing whereas I am more centralist

These differences have sometimes caused little disagreements and I am wondering if they may become a real problem in our future. In the first year or so I brushed them under the carpet because I liked her so much and wanted it to work but now we are a little further in I am wondering whether they may make us incompatible for a longer-term relationship. However, if we both make an effort to understand each other, could it work?

Thoughts?

I’ve never met anyone that I agree with on everything.

Provided that there isn’t a fundamental mismatch in morals and values I think it’s fine to have differences.

You’d soon run out of things to talk about otherwise!

Interesting. I ended a relationship a few years ago now because of a few of these points. The different political views drove me mad. Mostly because he argued that because I was less left wing than him that I wasn't as nice a person. So it depends if you're respectful and can discuss things properly with different opinions without it becoming an argument

I am like you op, very emotional and warm and my DH is the polar opposite. I love him very much and we have good times, but I am not fulfilled in the relationship. If I didn’t have children I wouldn’t stay.

My partner and I are very different on a lot of counts.
I’m an emotional talker, she bottles up.
She is a big spender, I’m more cautious and more of a saver
I like plans, small plans and bigger life plans, she likes to go with the flow.
I’m needy, she’s independent.

None of these cause issues because we communicate very well and actually it balances us out. I think communication and respect is the key.

I don't think anyone can answer this for you. I've had a couple of relationships end because whilst I adored them at first, after a while the differences between us became too annoying for me. But maybe I'm just not very tolerant as I have friends who have partners with differences similar to the ones you describe and who seem to have very happy relationships. I think it comes down to your and GF's personalities, how much you love each other, your levels of tolerance, compassion, understanding, and whether there is enough good stuff to outweigh any conflict caused by the differences.

If your needs are being met in the relationship i dont see the problem.

Only you will know. On a personal level I'd struggle with some of those differences (especially the political one!).

As you know from MN, there are other big ones that arise as time goes on in relation to desire for kids, frequency of sex, etc.

I think a successful relationship is when both of your needs are met, you can still be polar opposite. Are your emotional needs met? Are you sexual needs met? Are your attraction needs met? Do you feel respected? Do you feel listened to?

There is a good book called Too good to leave too bad to stay and it will help you filter through if you will be happier staying and working on it or happier leaving.

I think as long as core values and morals are similar and you're both good at communication it can work.

I'm emotional, he isn't, I've not seen dh cry and we've been together almost 12 years.

I like to be in control financially, he just likes to know there's enough money to pay the bills.

I'm quite political, he doesn't voice his opinion, just does his research and votes, he sees it as personal, where as I like to know what others think.

I like to read and go for walks, he likes to play pc games and go to the gym.

I like to lay in bed when I wake up for a while, he likes to get up as soon as he's awake.

So we are different, but then we agree and have similar thoughts on how we are bringing up our children, our work ethic, where we want to live etc

Me and my husband are very different on the surface, I'm an extrovert hes an introvert. I love talking about feelings, he doesn't. I'm pretty tidy he isnt. I'm an early morning person hes a late riser. I'm an avid reader and try as I might to get him to read he doesn't find it interesting and would rather play sport or do something else.The list goes on...but our fundamental core values and morals are the same. Things we maybe disagree on that affect both of us we have learnt to compromise on. I think only you will know if the differences are too big. I think I'd find politics hard if we strongly disagreed on everything especially with children if thats something you're considering.

Me and the Mr are chalk and cheese and it's great. Yes it can work, if you find each other hot and you make each other laugh you can work out the rest don't overthink things.

It all depends. On paper my DH and I are very different personalities. Although I'd say under the surface, we are a lot more alike on a lot of things. When we met, I liked that he was different, he was fun and spontaneous and brought that side out of me. But then when we had children and they were babies, 'fun and spontaneous' quickly became 'rash and irresponsible' and annoyed the hell out of me. I felt like I was the grown up and he was another child.

Only you can decide if it's something you can live with.