Toxic Mother relationship

[Summer991]

Hey guys, has anybody else had to deal with a toxic relationship with their mum and have any words of advice? Long story shortened.
Im 29, I'm the first born and this has stemmed back to being a teenager, then after that partner relationships have always been hard due to her having a problem with who I'm with and kicking off at me about them, and since having kids that's been a whole new thing for her to use against me.
She never thinks she's in the wrong. She's rude, borderline racist, homophobic, basically anything which is a sensitive subject or anyone who is offended she then has to have an even bigger opinion back to be nasty (i think she finds it fun) she's the type of person that if you had her on Facebook you'd see her commenting on something positive with a rude unnecessary comment, and if anyone called her up on it she'd find it funny and think the person offended needs to get a grip.
For years I've had issues with her having a go at me over the slightest things, for example if i can't do her a favour or see her when she wants she'll instantly message me abuse calling me a selfish bitch, saying things to hurt me, making jealous comments like "your daughter see's her dad more than me" etc, this sort of shit happens ALL THE TIME, she can never be nice and just say okay or something. I panic over replying to her about anything because i don't wanna annoy her as i cba with the grief. As times gone on I've slowly limited contact more and more because i don't have the mental strength to deal with it anymore, it brings on my anxiety the days she kicks off, and now because of that i get even more grief for not seeing her as much, if i ever react in defense or i try to talk to her and explain how i feel (I'll say how she pushes me away by how she speaks to me) that then makes her even more angry because she thinks im the one causing a problem and "i make her like it," i literally can't win lol im expected to not have a problem with it. She has a sharp tongue basically, even as a teen with body issues which she knew about she'd call me a skinny slag or twiggy and stuff if she got angry. She's so fucking inappropriate honestly if i went into detail about things she's done or said to people it's way worse, I can't write it all.
The problem i don't want is my children missing out on family because of her, my siblings live with my mum still and i don't have many other family. Tbh even with her grandchildren she says stuff thats out of order. I dunno what to do really, i just wish she was more like a normal mum really, i don't have a dad either so it sucks tbh, she'll have days when she's nicer in a better mood but that's just that. My siblings are use to how she is now, they're alot younger and she's never been as bad to them either, so im kind of alone in this situation, only my nan understands when i talk to her about it. Everyone else expects me to not react and move on but i wouldn't let my husband treat me this way so why can she. I should note my mum is diagnosed with bipolar so that's probably got a big part to play. Also her ex use to physically abuse her Infront of me when i was still an only child, so that has probably made her behaviour worse because now she seems to think it's okay to assault her boyfriends.
Anybody had any luck in this situation or maybe just understands what I'm going through? ❤️

Hey @summer911, your relationship with your mum sounds VERY familiar to mine and we're similar ages. She's very jealous, doesn't like being told no, never got a nice word to say about anything or anyone, constantly guilt trips me and I would get hounded with abuse if I so much as said a thing she didn't like or if I dared not to reply to her quick enough, or answer the phone or if she wanted to see me and it wasn't convenient she'd go mental, even if she decided last minute and I was literally out doing something else! I'd get oh you're so selfish, such a horrible ungrateful bitch etc etc.
This got 100 times worse when I had my daughter 18 months ago, she promised me the world she'd be there for me bla bla bla and the neediness and argumentative ness only got worse, she had an opinion on everything I did but no actual good understanding advice, never came to see me but got annoyed I wasn't going to see her as normal even when I'd just given birth. When my daughter was 6 weeks old we had a huge row about what size clothes I should put her in and she didn't contact me for 2 months. I had Post natal depression and I blame her entirely for it. She made that special time for me so so stressful. I had counselling and eventually after the final row I cut contact with her completely. That was last September. It's been hard but it's also been sooooo nice. I blocked her on everything so she couldn't physically contact me and the feeling that she couldn't just send me a nasty message whenever she felt like it or call me a million times was such a weight off my shoulders.
I believe people like them can't just be told, they need the control completely removed from them as they will never understand and never think they're in the wrong.
Xxx

@peach1234 Yes that is so similar to how my mum is! She expects the world to revolve around her so any plans or anything that doesn't suit her she'll make a big guilt trip about.
Im so sorry to hear about your post natal depression. My mum was like that with both my babies, first baby she argued with me when i was 8cm dilated and caused a huge scene, both times she barely helped or bothered in pregnancy and on the way home from the hospital both times i had to visit her house before even coming home myself.
Yeah that's what it seems like, she'll never change herself. I just wish my siblings didn't rely on her so much and live there still. Cutting off contact means i loose everyone and my kids will have hardly any family, such a tough situation xx

Im sorry to hear this. It must be awful for you. I understand its difficult and scary, but I personally would tell her to F off. Cut her off completely. She is a bully to you. Like you said, you wouldn't allow others to treat you like that, so why allow her? You need to stand up for yourself and either tell her to shut up and respect you, or lose you. BUT, in my experience, people like her will not understand and not change. I certainly would not want my child to be around her. How will you feel when she speaks like that to your child too? Or if ur child adapt her behaviour? No no no. You have a partner and child, you have your nan and your friends. You don't need someone who treats you like that. How old are your siblings? Are they of the age that you can see them on their own without your mothers involvement? If yes then I would tell them they can phone you anytime and come round see your kids/hang out but you're done with your mum. Block her number. If she uses someone else phone then just hang up when u know its her. She's not worth it. Find hobbies and go out enjoy your life. As we've learnt with covid, life is too short too waste! Also theres been similar threads on here if u search for them. The common theme seems to be people only regret they didn leave their abusers earlier . You can do it

Cut her out. You need some boundaries. Have a relationship with her on your terms, and if she can't do that tell her to forget it.

Your kids will he harmed more by her toxicity (and what it does to you) than by not seeing their grandmother.

I went NC with mine for 6 months when mine wouldn't stop being horrible about (then BF) DH.

She realised I wouldn't put up with it anymore.

She does need the boundaries reinforcing now and then (before my wedding, when I was pregnant, etc), but she's actually soooo much better now she knows it just won't work on me.

OP, I went no contact with my mother when I was pregnant with my first DD, 30 years ago. I never saw her again and didn’t go to her funeral. I had not a single regret, only relief.
Your mother sounds like she has no insight into her behaviour and blames everyone else - you in particular. You will never get the apology you deserve, and she is never going to turn into the normal loving mother you wish she was.
The best you can do is cut your losses - stop any contact, so she can’t add any more abuse to what you have already suffered.
It should be possible to continue seeing your siblings - simply arrange to meet them at your house without their mother, or outside at a neutral venue. Refuse to accept any messages via them from your mother, and make clear that your decision is final.
I think you will find a great sense of relief and peace once this is in place.

Is she nice to your kids? you don't want them to feel how you have felt for years, maybe your mum needs some counselling to get over her abusive relationship in the past

Another here with a toxic mother. I think she's had issues with me since I was born (I was the eldest too). Over the years I've tried to be a dutiful daughter, but it came to a head 4 years ago and I went NC with her. I stupidly allowed contact with her again late last year and kept things polite and factual (I don't visit her, it's all done online). The other week I pulled her up on a racist comment on social media so she isn't speaking to me again. There really isn't much you can do with these types of people because they will never admit to being wrong or have the maturity to accept growth/development to enable positive and healthy relationships. They will be bitter until the end and nothing will change that unless they wake up to it themselves.

I have DC and they used to see her when they were younger, but both older now. They also see her for what she is and don't have contact with her. Both of my siblings have done the same.

I sometimes get concerned about what will happen if/when she starts to decline in health and needs help, but I figure that is her issue to sort out now. Had she been a nicer person, then she might have received support from her family. Even her own siblings don't like her.

Protect yourself and just learn from it. I've done the best I can with my DC to never be like my mother!

Cut her off completely, there is no good reason at all for remaining in any form of contact with her. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not and your mother is no different.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she is now in addition a piss poor example of a grandparent to your children. She is a malign influence in and on your lives and will continue to be so as long as you allow her an "in".

re your comment:-
"he problem i don't want is my children missing out on family because of her, my siblings live with my mum still and i don't have many other family. Tbh even with her grandchildren she says stuff thats out of order".

Its far better to have hardly any family members at all around that to have your mother inflicted on you all. They will be harmed too by seeing you as their mum being so disrespected. Your siblings may well side with her too so as not to get the treatment that has been meted out to you.

Deal with any and all fear, obligation and guilt re your mother through counselling. Such people do not change and you will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Such disordered people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

If your mother is too toxic/difficult/batshit for you to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids too. Protect them from such people like your mother.

Your description of your mother sounds all too familiar. I have bounced back and forth between NC-lite with my mother and getting on with her. She did seem to get better when I had children, but there is always a toxic undercurrent. I am nearly 50 and have finally decided that is it, I am no longer interested in maintaining any contact with her. My father (divorced a long time from my mother) died recently, and the day he died, emotionally and physically drained, I went for a nap in the afternoon. She sneered and told me to get over myself. And that was it - a little something in me clicked and I realised no matter what was happening in my life, no matter how I felt or how I responded to it, my mother would never behave like a mother who loved me. She’s probably reading this as she cyberstalks me, but at least she’ll know why I haven’t called now.

@xxminniexx if she's in an okay mood she'll be fine with them, she still has annoying opinions/sense of humour that i have to ignore though. It's when she's in a bad mood she might say something weird directly to my daughter or neice, usaully a strange comment or question regarding their other parent and family, she'll make out something completely normal is a strange thing to the kids and the kids end up getting uncomfortable. It's hard to explain but it's like bullying in a way. If the kids don't act friendly enough to her she gets really funny with them aswell, like she'll hold a grudge with them like they're adults.
I agree she should really, i don't even know how I'd say that without offending her x

@Carveitup im so sorry to hear that she treated you that way. Im feeling similar towards my mum at the moment, my last message to her saying how i felt she ignored, give it a week and she'll message me like nothing has happened, and then the cycle just continues, i won't please her enough at some point and she'll send me a load of abusive messages x

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you for your advice. My siblings are already slightly sided as she doesn't treat them the same so they don't understand, they are more oblivious to how she treated us as children and they've forgot alot of it aswell. She also does alot for them like they're children still so they probably avoid pissing her off because of that.
I agree with all you said, it helps knowing other people's understand. I always find im fighting with my self, thinking am i just overreacting or did i say something that triggered her so it's my fault x

@PinkMonkeyBird thank you for responding, it seems like our mum's are very similar. Im trying to make sure i don't treat my children the same way she did but sometimes i notice small traits of her in me, it's hard to train it out x

@Frlrlrubert thank you for the the advice xx

@AttilaTheMeerkat has it right - if you find her difficult to cope with how will the kids manage? You have decades if experience and they can’t defend themselves as well or understand she’s being unreasonable

is there another family member that would be able to communicate this with her? maybe she might not be as bad if it came from someone else? don't mean anything against you it's just because you have mentioned she's more mean to you than any one else x

@xxminniexx i could try my nan i suppose, i don't think it would be taken seriously if i said it to anyone else. Thank you x