Practical advice about ending a relationship/leaving

[UpsideDownCake30]

Hello,
I think I’ve reached the conclusion that it is probably over between my H and I. Most of it comes down to him being a drinker and I just can’t stand to be around it anymore. He also does little to help me with house holds responsibilities and co-parenting. He works away and I was on my own for much of lockdown and it was easier, as I had no expectations of any support or help. Our kids are young and I am financially dependant on him, we have no family that live in the area.

I am working on working being more financially independent but it’s slow going because of Covid-19. I’m loathed to leave the family home as he is away for big chunks of time due to his job, and why should the kids have to be uprooted.

Please tell me your stories of how you did it practically.

TIA

Do you own or rent?

Your first stop really is some legal advice - some solicitors do a half hour free initial consultation, which might be a good starting point.

I think sometimes you can get a mesher order to be able to stay in the home and sell up when the dc are older - but I think generally a clean break is preferred. Or you might be able to get a greater proportion of the house for the children's housing needs/possibly in exchange of leaving his pension alone etc. But you need to speak to a professional.

You can check how much you'd be entitled to as a single parent using the entitled to online calculator, and there's also a Gov.uk child support calculator online you can use.

Hi. So sorry you’re going through this. Definitely first step is to get legal advice. Be ready with as much financial info as poss (house/mortgage, pensions, salaries - of both of you, savings etc etc) and get half an hour’s free advice from a few solicitors until you find one you click with. You might be surprised that a likely split looks better For you than you’re imagining.

When you say he’s a drinker, do you suspect a serious problem? Just wondering if you’re worried about contact with children? If so, you’ll need to be ready to discuss all this with the solicitors too. I left my marriage because of H’s alcoholism and have young DCs. It’s tough, but better than living with the drinking (and the no help round the house, or with anything else!).

We own the house. Did any of you stay in it until everything was worked out or did you move out?

I wouldn't move out. Stay put until it's sorted legally unless it's not safe.

Yep, stay put if you can and speak to a solicitor. I am not one but there may be implications if you’re the one to move out and if you are the main cater for the children, you will be deemed to have the greater need for it (I think). Is your H likely to agree to leave? In my case, he was the main breadwinner and was required to continue to pay for the mortgage and bills whilst things were sorted out.

Carer, not cater!

Thankyou. I don’t want to move out as its as much my house as it is his. He might leave temporarily but I doubt he would stay away until things were sorted. I imagine it to be awful living under the easy roof whilst starting to sort thing out. What did you do to help yourself cope?

In my case, I issued an ultimatum around the drinking. I meant it really seriously and he knew it. he chose to carry on drinking and went to stay with family.

I think if you feel you can get him to leave, even temporarily, that’s a great start. It does get pretty uncomfortable when the legal bits start up and I think it would be much harder for him to try and move back in at that point anyway.

Really good luck with it. It sounds like things have been tough for you and you can have a much better life. sometimes you have to make things worse (split/divorce) before they can get better.

Thankyou. I have the ultimatum last year, and things got better for a little while but then it’s gradually gone back to how it was. I’m sure he doesn’t think I’ll act on it. Prior to the ultimatum, the emotional mind games had been awful, I still cringe when I think about some of the things he said to me, completely treated me like a child. That side of things is somewhat better now. I went to see a solicitor before lockdown (I have some idea of the legal stuff but tbh she wasn’t massively helpful, maybe I will try to see a different one) and have been having some counselling, I’m feeling stronger than ever but still have bad days when I feel like emotionally it is too much. Feels like a long journey and a big step to take, especially for the DC. I’m quite a considered person so not one to rush into anything as I need to get my plan in place.

There is always a glimmer of hope though that i find hard to shake, that things will be ok and will get better and I hang on to that a bit too much, instead of just accepting that he won’t change, the ultimatum proves that.

If he’s got a drink problem, the denial is horrendous and the promises of change that are never kept are really tough to cope with. It’s not impossible for him to recover ifhe’s an alcoholic (don’t mean to assume that, if you don’t think he is), but even if he does, it could be years away of it could be a horrendous road of recovery and relapse cycles. I know I couldn’t live with any more of that and, more importantly, didn’t want my DCs growing up to think it was normal or ok.

Glad you’re getting counselling. Also, re solicitor, definitely shop around. You need to find someone really good and that you also get along with. You’ll be sharing quite a lot of personal stuff with them.

Thankyou for your kind words. I would say he’s a functioning one. I am worried about contact with DC, don’t know how that is managed? He’s ok during the day, doesn’t start until late afternoon early evening and it can be a bit unpredictable as to how much. That’s one of the things I’ve found the hardest, is the anxiety that comes after he’s had the first drink.

Yep, sounds familiar. My H was ‘functioning’ too. I once read someone suggest that high functioning alcoholic should be re-termed “low visibility alcoholic”. I think it’s so much more apt. I always knew it was dysfunctional but The further I get away from being around it all the time, the more clearly I see the horrendous extent of the dysfunction. Functioning or not, he is still an alcoholic and all alcoholism takes a downward trajectory unless or until he decides for himself to do something about it.

If you find a good lawyer, you can fight for the contact you think is right and safe. I’m not saying it’s easy if he won’t admit the problem but you will be taken seriously.

I second PPs advice to see a solicitor and work out exactly where you stand before (1) making any changes or (2) making him aware.

He might leave temporarily but I doubt he would stay away until things were sorted

One thing it's very important to keep in mind when you're thinking through the practical implications for this and sorting everything out is that it's very easy to slip into having to sort out his side of it too, especially if you've been doing the organising and planning for both of you up until now.

Try not to think too much about what he might want. Protect yourself and your DC, but what he thinks is the best solution will be the best solution for him.

One of the reasons I felt I couldn't get my ex out is because "well, I have nowhere else to go" and "you're heartless", etc meant that I saw his problem as my problem. I felt like I couldn't actually get him out until I'd found him somewhere else to live, sorted out how he was going to pay for it and organised it all for him, because he continually refused to budge until I had. His view was that if I wanted him out, why should he have to organise it?

So my advice is that when you're organising everything, try to keep in mind whether each problem you're solving is for the DC's/your benefit or whether you're still inadvertently taking on his problems as your own.

Also be firm, and don't listen to the emotional manipulation bullshit he tries - keep telling yourself that he doesn't believe it himself - making you feel guilty and uncaring is just a ploy to get you to change your mind. I've wasted so much of my life staying with people against my better judgement (across several relationships!) because I felt so guilty and was so concerned about their needs/wants despite not being happy myself. Luckily I finally twigged, but I regret wasting so much of my own and DC's time before I realised that gaslighting was a thing.

It might help to write a list of the reasons you're doing this, or the things you're looking forward to when he's gone (or both!) to help keep your focus when things start to look impossible. Which they will - you just have to push through it and remember why you're doing this.

From a purely practical point look at this

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/categories/divorce-and-separation

If you both own the property you cannot kick him out without a court order which are usually granted if there was violence. It would be best if you can come to an agreement.

In terms of child arrangements if he does leave the property you could block him and he would have to go to court for access and you would need to explain why you would not let them see him so a formal arrangement can be agreed OR you could arrange supervised or 1 day child care arrangements. Your reasons need to be strong and have evidence.
So keep evidence of when and how much he drank, receipts, any violence or incidents, videos photos etc to support your claim if you are planning on restricting his custody and making a formal child visitations arrangement.

If you can show you are truly separated ie no joint bank accounts, dont cook or wash for each other, sleep separately, then you might be able to claim benefits as a single person. Usually this means universal credit.

If he leaves and you are the only adult in the property you could apply for single tax discount.

If you have mortgage you will need legal advice and to work out an arrangement with your soon to be ex.

By the way, air bnb has cheaper longer term lets than a proper lease but obviously you wont have the same level of security as a longer more secure tenure.

Thankyou again everyone.

I’ve been keeping a journal on and off about the drinking, would this count as anything in terms of why I would be concerned about contact.

Yes, definitely. A journal is a really good idea. If anyone else is seeing the drinking too and would be prepared to support you, that would help. Does he hide empties etc? If so, Take Photos. Anything, really, that helps your claim (solicitor will be able to advise). Does he drink drive? If so, don’t hesitate to report him, whether for a specific incident or a general habit (you can do this anonymously on the crime stoppers website).

I was in a similar situation at the start of my process and was advised by 2 solicitors that the courts generally take accusations of problem drinking seriously. Unfortunately, If he denies the problem, you are into your word against his territory, which is harder, so any evidence you have will make it harder for him to defend himself. Don’t let that put you off, though. You can do this. I’m a few months ahead of you and it’s been tough, but I’m starting to really feel how worth it it has been.