Should I leave him now?

[kim2736]

DP and I have been together for five years. When we first met, he would drive an hour every time to see me. Three months into seeing each other, we thought it was would nice if he moved to my home town to be nearer to me and I moved in with him. It was the first time I left home and I felt safe because I have my family home a few minutes walk away. I was and still am always welcome back there. Shortly after moving in, things went sour, we kept arguing over anything. In these arguments, he would get hot headed and sometimes threaten to hit me. I stayed with him because we talked things through and both wanted things to change. He was having work issues and blamed it on that.

Forward to now, things have slightly calmed down but there's still arguing. He stopped the threats, he just asks for space now or walks away from the situation. He is still hot headed though which makes everyday fall outs turn into full blown rows. I'm not perfect, I have my faults, I can be sensitive which my family point out too. They're not a fan of him anymore, they say he's too short tempered for someone like me, we clash.
I could reel of all the good he does, there's plenty which is why I have stayed. I know I can't stay just because of this or how long we've been together. In my messed up head, I still think that maybe we could work, if only I could tweak his hot head. He knows I feel like this and like I said, he's calmed it down over the years but it's still causing problems, for me to feel unhappy. Sometimes I think 'Am I taking him for granted?' 'Am I expecting perfection?' 'Relationship take work'
Then I think, 'I should have left at the beginning'
Please help me figure this all out..

You can’t change anyone, if he was going to change himself he would of done it 5 years ago.

In your messed up head you think if only you could change his personality then maybe you could be happy together.

Fools errand.

Cut your losses. You two are not compatible.

Threaten to hit you?! No way to live, no children, clean break!

Arrrgh why are you trying to make it work?

Yes, you should leave him!

If it helps, draw up a list of all his bad points and all his good points. Start off with "he threatened to hit me" and "he blamed it on work."

Yes leave. He's 'calmed down' to frequent full blown rows. That's his best. His default is threats. What if someone gets ill, or you have a baby, or life is hard in some way. His worst could be worse than threats.

Leave.

In my messed up head, I still think that maybe we could work, if only I could tweak his hot head.

It is not your responsibility to try and fix him or get him to change.

You have already put up with far more than most people would have done, and you have tried so hard to make this relationship work. He is the one who is 100% responsible for the failure of the relationship, not you.

You're unhappy, that is all the reason you need to ditch him.

Abusers arent abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive.

Leave now don’t waste another moment of ur life

Why dont you move back in with your family and reassess the relationship from there. It's obvious living together isn't working for either of you.

This is not a good environment.
Your family recognise this but you are choosing to ignore it!
Please stop it.
Put yourself and your happiness first.
Stop trying to change him.
He won't change.
But you can get away, so do it!!!
He is hot headed. Has a horrible temper.
What is the point of him? Be really honest about.
Stop wasting your time.

Google 'sunk cost fallacy' and get your exit plan in place.
Carefully. You already know he is volatile and can be violent so plan it and do it safely.

You shouldn't have stayed when he threatened to hit you, he clearly wasn't mature enough to be living with someone at the time. It's hard to say 5 years on how things would be different for you both if you hadn't had the lives you have. How old is he? He could well have matured as he got older and if he was starting again now he could be quite different to how the two of you are together. It sounds like you have probably been flogging a dead horse from the beginning, he may have cut his teeth on you so to speak and be able to move on and be happy with someone more compatible and may never threaten them or he may turn out to be the worlds worst partner, who knows. It sounds like you need a new beginning now and to take away some valuable lessons from your relationship to not make the same mistakes again in accepting unacceptable behaviour from the off.

OP you sound exhausted. From what you've said, you're having massive rows every day. Moving in together after three months was red flag 1. That's way too fast. Threatening to hit you is flag 2. That's a dealbreaker - you end the relationship after that.

I'm wondering why he stopped threatening to hit you. At the beginning of a relationship, it's normal for there to be a power struggle. Tuckman wrote a model of group development in the 60s, which can apply to any relationship: forming (getting together) storming (power struggle/conflict) norming (finding stability and compromise) performing (getting the work done in the day to day)

You were in the 'storming' stage when you first moved in. It's normally around the three month mark that this happens as the couple are less starry eyed and there is conflict as they see their differences. It's often around this time that couples break up as they can't get past the differences.

I'm wondering why he stopped threatening you. Abusers tend to use what works to get what they want. They work out what your vulnerabilities are and what gets them their way. They threaten to abandon you, humiliate you, hit you; whatever works. They escalate when it no longer works.

He stopped threating you so I'm wondering if he managed to keep you in line. Irrespective, you are having massive arguments every day which is no way to live. I wonder what you're getting out of this. Are you enjoying all the drama and 'passion' because it doesn't sound like much fun otherwise.

TL;DR You need to get out of the relationship. It's emotionally exhausting and there's nothing in it for you. Leave.

You don't have the power to tweak his head. No one can do that for another person! Love is not that powerful!!

Even professional psychologists would need years and the full and committed cooperation of the person to even scratch the surface.

There are no magic words or actions that you can use! There is no secret that you can hunt down and find that will fix this. That hope is futile! And dangerous. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will see that is relationship is hopeless and dangerous to your self esteem, your mh and quite likely your physical health quite soon.

Knowing what I know now, I agree, I should have left when he first made a threat. I stayed because he was genuinely ashamed and he stopped it. However, his hot head has always been a common issue and I suppose I am tired..
He grew up around violence so I expected him to be a bit rough around the edges but the thing that attracted me to him was his determination and ambition to live a calm and happy life. That's what he always says to me, when I ask him what he wants, he says he 'just wants to be happy with me'
He has shown unbelievable loyalty, does absolutely anything for me, I suppose that's why I stayed too.
It's hard coming to terms with all of this, I appreciate all the help and advice
X

I feel really sick, I've left him..
I called him and told him my head was all over the place, I wasn't sure if this was working. We chatted for ages, about everything, it was so painful. We agreed on no contact, he actually suggested it to give me space, he told me he'd be there if I needed him.
I feel so lost and sad

I think you've done the right thing, even though it was hard. Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make.

Dont be surprised if he changes his tune about giving you space when he realises you don't intend to return.

If you still have stuff at his place, have a family member collect it as fast as pos.

Well done on taking this big step.

You will find yourself again.

Have you spoken to your friends? Meet up with friends asap for some socially distanced socialising.

Where are you living now?

Give yourself time to grieve for the future you thought you could have had if he hadn't been abusive. And see if you can do the Freedom Programme course online to help you process things.

I still think that maybe we could work, if only I could tweak his hot head

This is basically why all abused women stay or go back. Plus the fact that there is always a carrot to go with the stick.

It is natural to feel how you do right now. I can't think of any survivors I know who didn't describe feeling similarly.

If your home was on fire and you just leapt out the window to escape, you would feel shit too. Yeh it would be good to be safe but most of what you would be feeling is shock and grief that your home is on fire, and all the residual painful emotions you felt as you cajoled yourself into jumping out the window - not relief that you've escaped it, even though that's what you expected to feel.

Things will settle if you give them a chance and you stay away from him, hard as it is. Your brain needs time to work through it all.

Damn you moved fast today! I'm impressed!! Get ready for his mind games to start. He'll probably not give you space but start to promise the world and push you to get back together or be friends. He'll try to Hoover you back in.

Use this time to reflect on what happened. Get educated, read the Lundy book first to find out how abuser type:

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Information on sick systems:
www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

The shark explanation:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/amp/

The opening chapter of this book is a great read:
Power
amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

For more details:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Personally I would leave because I wouldn't feel safe after someone had threatened to hit me in an argument.

I've dated a hothead before, where he went from 0 to 100 in several seconds, it was frightening. Never again.

I got together with someone new later on and was always afraid when we ran into situations that would have angered my ex, but with my new guy the anger never came and he was reasonable and made me feel safe. Only then did I realise I had been conditioned to be afraid and walk on eggshells with my ex.