How to let go of fear?

[Bellapoo]

Hi everyone, I think this is going to be a VERY long one so apologies ...

2yrs ago I was engaged. Church and wedding reception were booked and paid, "save the dates" were ready to be posted and 1 day fiance left for work, said he loved me, have a good day, and I never saw him again. When I got home from work that day, his parents arrived at my door to tell me that he was in a bad way, said that he had had a breakdown, and I was to blame.

2 days later, I got a text from his sister ordering me to pack a bag with some of his stuff and to leave it by the front door. I complied because I was in such a state but hide away when she arrived. On the Friday of that week (my last day in old job), she text again ordering me to pack all of his remaining belongings and she would be collecting them that evening. I replied to the effect "What? I don't even deserve an explanation from * to tell me himself that he isn't coming back?". Her response was cold and to the point - "Have the stuff ready for collection". I didn't respond, came home, packed it up, left it in my hallway, left my front door open and went out in the car for a few hours. When I returned, the stuff was gone and I've never heard from her again.

As I've mentioned above, this happened on the last week of my old job, and I was about to start my new job a week later (which I was really anxious about as it was a step up).

Probably during months 4-12 since this happened, I received numerous messages from him and I ended up blocking him from everything. The messages were always in the early hours, and usually escalated into threats because I didn't respond e.g.: "I miss you. I will always love you.", "Respond to me", "RESPOND TO ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!", "Why did you BREAK US!!!!!!!!! Did you use me? I'm the VICTIM","I'm going out for a cycle now on my own. I will text you when I get back" - (at 3 a.m in the morning, no doubt to try and trigger me to reply out of fear he would hurt himself).

I never replied to any of his messages and he remains blocked on my phone to this day.

Now to the beginning: About 12 years ago, I met a woman through work and we became quite good friends. During the time we worked together she leaned on me for support a lot as one of her sons had been diagnosed with aspergers and she was struggling to cope. Her husband was not supportive at all and he was of the view that he was just "bad" and so would try to tow him in to line by threatening behaviours, punishments, etc. We worked together for a few years until she left to find a job closer home but we stayed in touch.

Throughout the years, we would meet up every few months to catch up. I happened to move to a town about 10 miles away from her, and as we both have dogs, we started to meet more regularly for walks, etc.

One evening I was at her house and telling her the horrors of my last relationship (I caught him OLD, googling school girls, and on a hookup site for guys to meet) and she enquired whether I might be interested in her brother. To be honest, I hadn't even really ever noticed her mentioning her brother before as she talked so much about her son's problems and problems with her husband. I knew that her mother and father helped her out a lot with her son and that they lived close-by to her. I was also apprehensive as I was still coming to terms with what had happened in my last relationship but she assured me that her brother was a really great honest guy.

A few weeks later on a Sat evening, I got a text from her asking did I fancy popping over to her house as she had some people over. I accepted the invitation and arrived to find her and her husband, her brother, and their two friends (an engaged couple).

Immediately, I didn't fancy her brother at all but later in the evening we were left alone for a while and I found myself being interested in the conversation. At the time I was 35 and he was 47. A few days later, she text me asking could she pass my number to her brother and I said yes. He then text me a few days after that asking if I would like to meet up for a coffee. I accepted and we met a few days later. We chatted away into the night and ended up being the last people in the coffee shop (it had actually closed and we hadn't realised). During the conversation, I learned that he still lived at home with his mum and dad and that he had never been in a relationship before (I should have ran at that point given his age but gave him the benefit of the doubt because I'm a naive moron).

He was flying abroad the following day on a cycling holiday but kept in touch by text throughout the week. The next Sunday, he text to say he was back and asked if I wanted to go out for a meal that evening. I said yes and he said he would pick me up. At the time, I thought this was a nice touch and quite old fashioned given that I was used to meeting assholes that think it appropriate to send dick pics after one meet. We went for the meal and afterwards he was driving in a direction I didn't recognise and I asked where we were going. He said that his sister was at their friends house (the engaged couple I had already met), and that we were going to their house to say hello. I thought this was a really weird way to end a first "proper" dinner date but went along with it.

I'll try and keep the rest as short and to the point as I can as this is already too long.

We ended up in a relationship but every weekend involved going to his sisters house to sit in with her and her husband and their two friends (the engaged couple). After about week 7 of this same routine, on a Saturday evening, 's sister text him to say "when you're coming up later, bring a Dominoes pizza for the kids". I admit I lost it. I said to that I was dating him and trying to get to know him and that I would prefer to not spend all of our dates at her house. I then also said that she shouldn't just expect that we will be there ALL THE TIME. He said he agreed with me, and text her back again to say that we wouldn't be going to her house that evening. She pushed back on this in about 5 texts in that each time he said that we were going, she would say things like "why not", "but it will be good craic", "friend wants to see you".

Other example would be if we had planned to see a movie at the cinema. He would arrive at my house and declare "oh, we're not seeing that anymore. Sis and couple and mum and dad want to see ... movie so we're going to see that with them".

Christmas was coming up and he had asked me if I wanted to join his family for xmas dinner. We spend xmas eve at his sister's house, and were back again on xmas day. I said that my mum would like to see us on Boxing day. Off we went to my mum's house, only for him to declare that we would have to leave early as "mum and dad have said they want us round". Had he just told me that prior to leaving, I would have just went on my own and he could have done what he wanted.
In the months that followed, this pattern of demands and expectations continued. If we would do what we were told there would be no issue but if we didn't, then we would be ignored or given the cold shoulder. The invites to events started to fall away and on the occasion where I was invited to something, if I went along (to say a spa day for the girls), I would be pretty much ignored by his sister and her best friend (the female of the engaged couple). It became all consuming in that I constantly dreaded being invited to something.

I had met other friends of his and they were all very happy that he had finally found himself a "good woman". One particular long time friend of his had warned me early on "don't let sister and parents come between you - they are very controlling of * and always have been".

Throughout the months that followed, I bought my first house (by myself). After a few months, * unofficially moved in. After a short time, I noticed that he was coming home late from work and I would ask him why he was so late. He said that he had work to finish and was really busy. I later learnt that he had been going to his parents house after work everyday and not telling me. Whilst he was there, his sister later told me that his mum and dad reported that he would be really on edge like he wasn't relaxed and was in a hurry. When this came to light, I asked him why he felt the need to lie and told him that I was upset that he had lied to me. I said that I didn't understand why he needed to go everyday (it's the completely opposite direction to where my house is) given that we see them every weekend, and he said that they expected him to go everyday. He told me that he didn't want to go, but didn't want to disappoint them. His sister then became annoyed that he would visit his parents everyday, but then drive past her house and not pop in.

I'm very sorry this happened, but the reality is that he did you a massive favour. Marrying him would have ended in disaster, clearly. You dodged a bullet.

He eventually stopped going to their house after work everyday. But he replaced this with driving to work, and phoning his mum from his car outside his work for a half hour chat every morning. I asked him why he wouldn't just call his mum from the house, and said so many times that she could phone him at the house anytime she wanted. I also said that they were welcome to call over anytime they wanted. They are retired so have all the time in the world! This then resulted in him lying about the phone calls.

I should point out that from my side, all ever told me was that he spent his life being frustrated by his family for suffocating him. He said that his sister expected him to be a father to her son (because her husband wouldn't accept his son's diagnosis), that she would expect him to drop everything to coming running when she demanded, that he used to enjoy cycling with his best friends (the engaged couple) until his sister and her husband befriended them and now, his sister's husband came cycling and every week and talked about his son's problems, and now, his sister wanted to get his nephew a job at his place of work. * said that he felt like his life was not his own, and that his only means of escaping his family's issues had always been through work, friendships and cycling, and that his family had stolen all those things from him.

Another HUGE burden was also that his parents had got into debt 2 years prior to me meeting . As a result, their house was going to be repossessed and had to bail them out to the tune of £50K (i.e. his life's savings) and he was now paying their mortgage for the remaining 5 years at £800 a month. He said that he felt like their debt was a rope around his neck, and that he had been saving that money in case he ever met someone so that he could buy a home together. His words to me were that "they've ripped that page out of my book".

After a few months living together, had a breakdown. He drove to his parents house after work and apparently collapsed across their door. I got a phone call to work that day telling me to go to their house. Before I finished work (I couldn't just get up and leave work), his sister rang me and said that she didn't think was being honest with me, that he was deeply unhappy in our relationship, and that he would end up hurting me more in the long run. I ended the call as I was trying so hard not to cry in work. I arrived at his parents house and they sat me down for "a chat" and basically talked to me like I was a child. His mother then accompanied me upstairs to *'s bedroom and supervised my conversation with him. He was lying in bed like a child crying, rolled up in a ball (his bedroom with posters on the wall of race car drivers and model toy cars). He said he needed time by himself and didn't know if he wanted to be in our relationship.
I gave him space and we were apart for about 3 months.

During that time, he called a few times to tell me that he didn't know what he wanted as it was too hard being pulled in every direction. He also told me that his sister and her husband and his couple friends all believed that I was controlling him and the cause of his breakdown (it later came out that he has been having "breakdowns" his entire life and had been referred to psychiatrist but didn't attend the appointment).

So, he rang one evening a few months later asking to meet and declared his love for me, saying that whilst we were apart, all he could think about was me and if he had to choose between them or me, he chose me. I told him I wasn't asking him to chose. I told him he needed to have an honest conversation with them about their demands and inability to "allow" him to lead an independent life. I said that the problem was quite easily fixed in my eyes - he just needed to set boundaries and be clear about those. I didn't want him to not have relationships with his family or the couple - quite the opposite. I just wanted to see everyone being respectful.

We got back together - apparently when the couple found out they went ballistic, calling me every name under the sun. I didn't see his parents for a while after we got back together as I wasn't ready to - I was hurt by what he told me they had said about me.

We got engaged a few months later and received no congratulations from his sister or the couple. His mum and dad sent a card and gift and I went to see them to thank them and try to re-engage but it was never the same again.

As we planned for the wedding, he started having "panic attacks". He had started to see a counsellor and I was going to his appointments with him since I was his "co-counsellor". The counsellor (not me) told him at each every appointment that his family were being controlling and that he needed to try to stand up for me, and himself or he would lose the only good thing in his life. I was resenting him because he wouldn't stand up for me when his family/the couple would make derogatory remarks about me.

One example was when we took his parents to see our wedding reception venue. His mum and dad engineered a conversation to ask why we hadn't yet sent any invites out yet (this was a year before the big day) and his dad said that it "looks really bad - we are beginning to feel embarrassed. Is there something wrong? People keep asking us about it and we don't know what to tell them". I was raging. I tried to defend our position by saying, "its a year away - it's too early to send invites" and of course * sat there looking at the ground. I ended up not finishing my food and pretending I needed the loo.

Another example, at his parents house for Sunday dinner when his mum says "* - I don't feel that you're happy about this wedding. Are you sure you even want to marry her because you don't look like you want to?" - IN FRONT OF ME!!!! I sat in tears at their table, looking at him (again looking at the floor) and exclaimed "say something!!". He said nothing.

These examples led to arguments between us and I was repeatedly asking him why he wouldn't stand up for me. Each and every time we had this argument, he said nothing, clammed up then faked a panic attack. I say "faked" because after he finally left for good, his counsellor told me that he believed them to be fake and child-like attention seeking behaviour. I also learned that during his secret meetings and phone calls with his family and sister, he had been saying the opposite to what he told me - that he missed them, was struggling being away from them and that he felt he could see them because of me.

So, he then left some time after as I said at the start of this long ramble and I never saw him again. I have no feelings other than regret for sticking around for as long as I did but I'm sure I also still carry a lot of anger about the whole situation (with him, them and myself for allowing myself to be in that position).

The counsellor told me that after he left here, he went into a "child-like regression state where he was unable to feed or toilet himself". WTF. They think I did that. Yet, a week after learning of this, I saw pictures of him on FB in Italy on a skiing trip with a drink in his hand. The last I saw, he is very much back in "the group" and I know that he told them a pack of lies in order to get them to feel sorry for him and take him back into the group.

The part I can't seem to get past is that this small select group of people think that I'm some controlling abusive monster, and they have spread this out to dozens of people in their wider circles. I avoid certain shops for fear that I will bump into any of them. That has happened twice in the past year (though they didn't see me) and I was instantly shaking with fear, my legs were like jelly, etc. It really bothers me. A year ago, I would have been playing out the scenario of bumping into them in my head at least three times a day - I don't do that anymore but it still affects me when I'm in certain areas.

I've now met someone wonderful a year ago and we have made plans for our future together - but I am constantly consumed by fear. Fear that people can do all sorts of unexpected and I just feel vulnerable all the time.

I don't want my fear to cause issues in my relationship but I feel it every single day and I think of all the things that could go wrong. I've tried CBT therapy and it's not helping. I have just changed so much as a person. I get worried at the slightest thing, I feel paranoid, I have no patience - I just generally feel emotional all the time. I mask how I feel a lot but my partner is aware of everything. I've been very open and honest about my past with him and he is very patient with me and knows it will take time to get over this.

How do I get over this?

You are giving these people from your past far too much headspace. I assure you they don't even think about you anymore. They couldn't care less about you. Why waste one second over what they may think of you? They just don't matter.

I don't know, OP, I wish I knew,
Im bringing past fears into a new relationship after abuse /DV years ago and I wish I could let it go. Had years of counselling etc.
Its so hard to move on when you get triggers
I hope it works out for you, I understand the paranoia and anxiety, it rules me, I try to hide it but it re surfaces in insomnia etc

@Aquamarine1029 I agree completely and I would love nothing more than to not think about it - but that's easier said than done and the basis for me asking "how". I don't know how to forget.

@alltoomuchrightnow Thanks and sorry to hear of your past. I hope you can find a way to feel better and enjoy your new relationship.

I don't know how to forget.

Well, that would be a pointless exercise anyway. Of course you're not going to forget. Your brain isn't some hard drive that you can erase and then start over. You have to take action to move on, and the first thing I suggest is stop avoiding places that you wish to go just because you fear seeing some of the people from your past. So what if you do? What do you really think could be so terrible if you did see them? It might be awkward for a moment, but you will quickly go your way and they will go theirs. Stop letting people who have no bearing on your life control you.

@Aquamarine1029

I am aware that my brain isn't a hard drive and I appreciate your comments but the fact remains that (a) it bothers me that a wider group of people believe that I caused another person to be so debilitated that they couldn't even wipe their own arse and that belief is based upon complete lies, (b) I have no doubt whatsoever that, should I come face to face with some of them in a public place, they would not hesitate to slander me loudly in public, and (c) most importantly, as a result of all of the above, I now question things that I have no need to question which causes me to be on edge a lot of the time and I don't know what steps to take to help ease that constant worry.

My gosh OP, it all seems so horrendous what you went through with that family. I'm so glad you are out of that situation now and you are with someone else. CBT probably won't be the right type of counselling for you, so I'd look into talking therapies instead, to help unpick it all.

It will take time for you to get over this. You won't forget what happened, you will learn to realise you went through something and got through the other side. Please don't let this sabotage your new relationship.

I went through a traumatic time with my ex and that was 2 years ago and on regular basis I will still get flashbacks - when it first happened, it was every day. It does get better eventually and one day you will realise you haven't even thought of what happened. If I get a flashback now, I almost look at it as if it was something which happened in EastEnders and become detached, don't allow the feelings which were there at the time resurface. I will do something else to distract me and it works.

I agree with the above PP with regards to not avoiding places. It's still allowing them some control. Own it and fuck them!!

Look where you are now;

Free of that dramatic and toxic family who will still be pandering to their manchild son/brother.
You have a new partner and a brighter future!
You are a better person than they are!
You are in control!

I do feel for you, because it sounds like they did a real number on you. You are out of that now and have your life ahead, don't give them anymore headspace! x

There was so many red flags during the relationship it should of been a warning to end it before planning a wedding. I don't think this type scenario is ever likely to happen again. As long as your new relationship seems happy and healthy just enjoy it and let the past go.

it bothers me that a wider group of people believe that I caused another person to be so debilitated that they couldn't even wipe their own arse and that belief is based upon complete lies

How do you really know what this "wider group" truly believe? They might have been told a pack of lies, but the truth is many wouldn't believe these lies and most wouldn't even care. Those who did believe them aren't worth worrying about because they don't know you.

So what If someone gave you abuse in public? All they will accomplish is making themselves look unhinged, and no one witnessing it would even care.

It is tragic that you have given so much power to completely inconsequential people.

OP that was like watching a slow motion car crash. Why the hell did you agree to marry him in the first place when he was so enmeshed with his family? He has never left home or had a long term relationship because he is so enmeshed with his family. They obviously expected you to just go along with it.

I think it would be more useful for you to stop ruminating about what 'everyone thinks of you' and more so on why you didn't run when you saw it for what it was. Why on earth did you agree to marry this dysfunctional man?

I think the way forward here is to have some counselling for yourself in order to work out your side of things here. It sounds awful.

@Bellapoo I am constantly consumed by fear. Fear that people can do all sorts of unexpected and I just feel vulnerable all the time.

I think what's really consuming you here is that you have proven to yourself that you're capable of spending literally years betraying yourself and getting yourself deeper and deeper into a situation that was (sorry) obviously going to end in tears for you. You feel vulnerable because you are vulnerable. You just didn't realize it until your vulnerability led you into a explosive situation.

This family 100% saw you coming, they could see how vulnerable you were, although from their perspective I suspect they thought "oh good, this lady also has very poor boundaries, which in our family means she will fit in". It sounds like their definition of love is "having no boundaries and doing what you are told". Which is fair enough - some folk genuinely believe that.

I don't actually blame this guy or his family for your situation, at all. They all sound messed up and I'm sure they have their reasons. I'm also sure they have zero clue how messed up they are, and as such, they're doing what they think is right.

The problem here is that you could see how messed up it all was... and yet... you just kept on and on putting yourself in the lion's mouth. Inevitably it was going to end in tears and recriminations. That's just what families like this end up in - it's always a drama.

I don't think you're going to feel less fearful until you get into some kind of therapy where you can learn how to take better care of yourself in future.

You're right to be afraid - you're right to be paranoid - your brain knows that you betrayed yourself dreadfully here, and is now trying to force you to maintain distance and boundaries until you learn better skills in taking care of yourself. You're not going to feel safer until you prove to yourself that you can keep yourself safe.

I suggest looking for a counsellor that specialises in teaching life skills and self care. CBT is unlikely to help you much because it's very surface level compared to the actual problem you have here (in my opinion).

his counsellor told me that he believed them to be fake and child-like attention seeking behaviour.

The counsellor told me that after he left here, he went into a "child-like regression state where he was unable to feed or toilet himself".

Regardless of your ex being a massive twat, this "counsellor" has grossly breached confidentiality and acted extremely unprofessionally.

The whole thing sounds absolutely batshit.

Are you in a small town? Honestly I'd move. Nothing worse than small town gossip and nosey bastards.

I don't usually read long posts but I couldn't stop reading this one! No wonder you're still feeling scared, the whole lot of them sound down right creepy.

I can understand why you're angry. Honestly it's easier said than done but I'd move too, as far away from them as possible. Block the lot of them on social media and never look at their posts or pages again. He's clearly never going to be in a functioning relationship. Fucking weirdos

I know a family like this except the OPs seem more functional. All of them are still at home and they are either fast approaching or, in their fifties. They have a strange attachment to their mother and none of them have had children or been married. They have long term relationships but don't move in with them or make plans to marry as they don't intend to leave home. They've all had drug/alcohol problems and mental health issues.