Needing some honest views on some worries I have

[VodkaCranberry2]

I had a baby 11 weeks ago and I've developed maternal OCD very badly. I've recently been put on medication for it and have been referred for CBT. My OCD is mainly around doing something wrong to my partner, being inappropriate and being disloyal. I can sit and ruminate for hours and feel guilty over the slighest thing, even my thoughts. Some days I just can't cope with the guilt, it completely consumes me. I'm trying to keep it together for my baby.

Which leads me to this -

Before meeting my partner, I had been in a relationship for 6 years. It was my first 'proper relationship' and I was with him from ages 17-23. He cheated on me and left me for another girl.

Over the past few weeks, for some reason, since having my baby I've had a nose at his Facebook. For years that's been the only social media he's had, but I recently found he'd started a new Instagram.

I've checked it a couple of times over the past couple of days for some reason. I was sat up at 2am last night and I suddenly had thoughts of, what if I'm not over him and that's why I'm checking?

And now I've spent the whole day worrying about thinking that and feeling guilty over it and feel like I've cheated.

I know full well, rationally, that I am over him. It's been two years and I have a baby and I am 100 times happier with my partner now than I ever was with him. He really ruined my mental health and we had a sexless relationship. I felt absolutely shit being with him but stayed with him because I was scared of being alone.

But surely if I had that thought last night it must mean something? :(

Is this something I need to confess to my partner or would it be really wrong to keep it to myself?

Thank you x

But surely if I had that thought last night it must mean something?

I doubt it. You have OCD rumination, your brain comes up with all sorts of stuff, catastrophising and it's purely a manifestation of your anxiety. Plus at 2am you were knackered. And checking stuff can be part of OCD of course.

How long have you been on your current dose of meds? If it's been over a couple of weeks I would speak to your GP/consultant again and tell them how you're feeling. They could up the dose or try you on something different. There are loads of things they can try until they hit on the right thing for the individual.

Is this something I need to confess to my partner

I wouldn't- save it for a therapist. You haven't done anything wrong, you just had a random thought/action, probably as a result of mental illness, boredom and tiredness. Could you see/speak to a private therapist for a bit?

Firstly, it's completely natural to have a nosy at your exes profile. Especially when you have just had a big life change (baby) you are kind of checking where he is
A bit competitive but normal.

My DH has OCD and there have been times he has come in from a night out and panics the next day he has done something inappropriate that he cant remember or cheated or something similar. We always talk about it and I calm him down and in as modest a way as possible I'm very understanding. He would never cheat, but he goes on about it. But we cope.

I would say it is up to you and whether you think your DP will understand. If he doesnt and reacts off it could make your impulsions worse. What helps me is the understanding that I can talk about this with my best friend only so it's still private but I have somewhere to vent myself.

Feel free to message me if you need someone to chat to xx

Wow @PopandFizz I've never heard of anyone with this OCD, it's amazing that you're so understanding with him because I'm sure many people wouldn't be. It's so difficult and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

@NoMoreDickheads I can speak to my therapist about it this week. I'm on olanzapine but they've said today I can change to pregabalin so I think I will because it's not working even with a doubled dose. xx

No it doesn’t mean anything. I have checked previous partners social media just to have a nose. You haven’t done anything wrong and you have nothing to confess. If you talk to your partner about it you will be building it into something it isn’t xx

Apparently Sertraline is also good for treating OCD x

Thank you for the reassurance @PhoenixIsFlying. I'm also on sertraline, been on it for a couple of years now, but it's not helping anymore and I'm on the max dose. :( xx

A thought is just that, a thought. It doesn't mean anything at all. I've had a good facebook nosey on all of my ex boyfriends and I've been very happy with my husband since I met him 29 years ago. Look after yourself.

Oh bless you. I am sorry the sertraline is no longer working. Please be reassured though that you have done nothing wrong. If you are worried again and need reassurance, please reach out xx

@VodkaCranberry2 There's a comedy series called Pure. The woman has OCD of taboo sexual thoughts like shagging her gran. You could watch it if you don't think it would set you off/give you ideas. www.channel4.com/programmes/pure

I think most partners would not be as clued up on anxiety/OCD as the PP. x

I looked up a couple of my exes recently... I’m 41, married 15 years, 2xDC’s (13 & 9). Oh and I was nosy. Well curious really. No contact at all just a bored reminiscent wonder.

Honestly, unless it’s obsessive or you’re desperate to make contact with the ex for no good reason (health,shared dc etc) it’s not an issue. If you’re wish you could tell your partner you were nosing about but you have no need to. I told my dh conversationally and he was mildly interested, reminisced himself a little and we discussed dinner plans. A non-issue 😀

Congratulations on your beautiful 👶🏼!

🌸💐🌸💐🌸

Btw I think you do reminisce more after a major life event like a baby (especially your first).

Op congratulations on your baby!
Also having a nosey at ex's fb is quite a common occurrence. I think most of us do it ro make sure we are better off.
If your partner is being supportive about what you are going through, and you feel you must 'confess', then just talk to him and explain you were just curious and are now worriesd he might think it's disloyal. But, seriously, it's just being nosey, alot of us do it. Hugs and hope you manage to beat this.

But surely if I had that thought last night it must mean something? sad

Yes it does mean something- it means you have OCD and are ruminating. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was pregnant and have had it now for 14 years.

You need to recognise the thoughts for what they are- it’s your OCD talking. Look at OCD Actions website. Fantastic resources for you to read through. I really do sympathise and I promise you will get through this. Xxx

It means nothing except that you're feeling unwell and thinking about past trauma, which is what that twat is - trauma.

By the way- OCD tends to feed on our greatest fears. In your case- ruining your relationship. That’s why you’re having these fears- the fact that they cause you such distress shows how much you love your partner and would never want to ruin it. Remember that the next time the obsessive thoughts creep in xx

Sorry! One last thought!! Don’t “confess” as that really just seeking reassurance xxx

Honestly, if my girlfriend's ex started a new instagram or whatever, I'd fully expect and understand that she'd be a bit curious. He was a major part of her life for a while, it's only natural.

I also know some shitty behaviour of his towards the end left her with some feelings that will never be resolved. Again, natural enough.

I don't know how your OCD works, I'll be honest. But I've heard of people having these types of thoughts because past experience makes it almost impossible for them to believe things are so good now. I'd say forgive yourself, but there's nothing to forgive. You haven't done anything wrong.

I have sent you a PM.

I look at all sorts of people's profiles from my past when I'm up in the middle of the night with my llittle ones. It's like a hobby! It doesn't mean anything other than that I'm nosey

Oh and I 'spy' on a lot of people online BTW. Especially exes.