Family woes or oversensitive?

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

My DH is very family orientated and has a large clannish family where there are several characters.
It took a long time for me to be 'in the circle of trust' yes really!
I tried very hard with them, going above and beyond, to the point I sacrificied hobbies etc.
To be honest they are not really my sort of people, and would not mix with them a great deal through choice.
No judgement we are very different. Sense of humour, films, they are very consumer orientated, we prefer outdoor life.
They are not very kind to my DH. I think as he is different to them. There is bullying under the guise of banter, general putting down and a lot of critical comments.
We do challenge the rascist/homophobe Britain first comments only to be told we are liberal etc.
After years of this I am now fed up. Lockdown has been a relief as the schedule of never ending 'compulsory' meet ups have been cancelled to my relief.
The fortnightly video call get together has been tortuous and at its worst is a bully, bitch and brag fest.
Over these virtual get togethers I have become increasingly quiet and disengaged, and realised how utterly self absorbed they are.
I blame myself for setting a precedent years ago, by trying to get acceptance, asking them questions, showing an interest etc.
But having now stepped back from this, it is clear that I am viewed as an extension of my DH. Not an actual person iyswim?
One Saturday evening I was really quiet as felt pretty terrible, one quipped to my DH whats up with Minty, doesnt she like us anymore??
Not one of them has asked me a single question, not even how are you ( even though one of them knows I have been really poorly)
I have spent the last few years really cutting out toxic people and abusers, who I attracted due to being vulnerable and a people pleaser, but how do I deal with them? I do not want to upset my DH and lockdown is easing off, so cant use that as an excuse!
I am still learning about boundaries etc late in life after some very hard life lessons. Am I over reacting to feel invisible and worthless? Its too exhausting to flatter their egos anymore..
Any advice would be really helpful.

Anyone?

You'd both be better off with less contact with these people. Why on earth did it seem reasonable to give up a hobby to spend time with them?

Back off, restart your hobby, encourage your dh to join you.

Now you've learnt about boundaries, you need to actually implement them! Do not jump back to the normal lockdown acceptance of all family invites. If you find it difficult, go to one out of three - no more! It doesn't have to be a big conversation with your dh, just a simple 'na, don't fancy it, off you go', or the mn fav "that doesn't work for me". No excuses or reasons, no opportunity for anyone to guilt trip you, just a nope. Let them be immature with their doesn't she like us any more. Let it wish over you. Do not rise to the bait and try to defend yourself and explain your choices. A quick laugh will do.

And start your hobby again!!

In my experience, when you start learning about boundaries and about what space you should be taking up then you can be really rigid with ensuring that no-one takes advantage of you. You can be oversensitive to anyone stepping over the line you have now set down for yourself.

This isn't a bad thing. The only thing I would say is that you have changed but his family haven't had a proper chance to get used to these changes. I would give them time and opportunity to come round . Wait for more normal times. Just try to increase your confidence and belief that you will do what is right for you when it comes to it. That's really what you need to be working on. Ensure you recognise how you deserve to be treated and be willing to stand up for yourself , one way or another.

Thank you both for replying, yes I clearly over extended myself trying to be accepted, when it was clear I was never going to really fit in.
I have compromised who I am and that been hugely uncomfortable.
I remember when on the news the refrigirated lorry where 39 Vietnamese people perished and the comments made by them how they were glad, it should have been more etc really sickened me. When I voiced this it was a case of you are either with us and agree or get a hard time. Its become so normal to put up with their quite foul opinions to keep the peace.
I do need to keep my boundaries its something I have to work on every day.

Anger with them is self-defeating. Be constructively angry with your past people-pleasing and poor boundaries, and channel that anger into developing new behaviours that prioritise your own comfort and preferences.

@BrambleJam978 thank you, yes as I assert myself they really dont like me escaping the clan, and rather than respect our differences I am now being ignored further. It makes me sad though for my DH sake but even he sticking up for himself now (which they hate) as they scramble to find another 'weak' member to pick on.
Its the total lack of kindness and lack of respect. When we attend any event they automatically use the situation to belittle us, I feel sad that we are used in this way.

I would be prepared for them to make a fuss about it, but I'd drop to the 1 in 3 meet ups as suggested, and with the virtual meet up, smile and wave in the beginning, and then go do something else instead. It's really not the end of the world if they moan about you.

They sound foul.

@Prayerwheel thank you, yes I do get cross with myself that I had many years tolerating this from friends/partners etc but I just feel so drained now around toxic people that are mean and self absorbed. I need to expand my circle as it becoming a lonely place. But filling in gaps with these emotional vampires is worse. I can see that now. I will suggest to my DH that I will let him enjoy their company on his own fir the most part and attend when essential. They are not going to change are they? Its me that doesnt fit in.

I mean, with opinions like that, you should be pleased not to meet their approval . It's like wearing a "hated by the Daily Mail" badge, it's where you want to position yourself.

@category12 Thank you I will do that, I may aswell be a cardboard cut out anyway as genuine interaction does not exist. They like me when I ask questions about them, compliment them, agree with them. They need constant attention flattery and validation, its exhausting. The whole of lockdown, they have not asked one question, they literally have no idea what is going on in my life. But it hurts when people are so uninterested, like you dont matter. But the relief I gave felt not being that role anymore has been more satisfying.

They were glad those Vietnamese people died? I feel upset just reading that... You are not in the wrong here and you are not oversensitive ( I actually don't think there is such a thing as oversensitive , it's just who you are) .

You have to minimise the impact these people have on your life as much as possible , you need to protect your sensitive nature.

As you back away (and you should), DH will become more aware of how unlike them he is. Effectively you've been bolstering him as he deals with them.

You may find there's a bit of tension between you- he's in a tricky position and will need your support to step back. Don't confront him at those times, don't give him anything to get angry with you about because he may redirect anger on to you. I don't mean that in a scary way, just that he might get very tetchy and if you stay calm and relaxed he will have to focus on the issue- them. Stick with 'it makes me tired' 'it's you they want to talk to' etc.

@Bramble Yes they were sooo pleased its sickening isnt it thinking about it now as I was so upset and sad for those poor people suffocated. It delighted them to see I was sad, was told to grow a pair, thats life, their fault for illegally trying to come to UK, etc. I was just appalled. Same with blacklivesmatter, they have a typical rascist response of fb posts etc. Trying to debate with them is futile I am shot down and belittled. No wonder rascism and homophobia is so rife sadly with people like this, who to be fair have everything going for them except empathy.

@picklemewalnuts thats a good point! He is realising this now finally, but I will give his space to deal with them in his own time and way, if I keep busy he will understand I need to prioritise myself as he very good like that. He wants me to be happy and he can see that I get very low after interacting with them and the pack mindset.

I have experience with family members who are not good for me ( although not nearly as awful as the ones you have to cope with) , I'm talking extended family... I did just stop seeing certain people and tbh I don't regret it at all.

I agree with @picklemewalnuts, the only person you have to worry and care about is your husband. Tell him you need to back off as much as possible. You have tried your hardest to integrate with his family and hopefully he will recognise that...

Well done you on learning about boundaries and people pleasing. They are nasty bullies and will never change. You have to take yourself out of punching distance.

And you need to proactively fill the time and space with radiant people and fun activities. This is the stuff that you need to rebuild and define you - not the hurt that these vile bitter people live in.

Don’t rise to any bait. Just keep disconnected. Read up on toxic family systems, NPD, enmeshment and bullying and you will understand the dynamics which helps to see things coming and to extract and protect yourself.

Your DH will also be on a difficult and steep emotional learning curve so as PP have said be ready for that.

Don’t give them any info about you life - keep everything vanilla and vague. Decide in advance that you will only attend x events (weddings, funerals?) etc.

@Gutterton Thank you, great advice from you as always and everyone. Yes I can see that now I have to fill my life with people more aligned I think and back off. I do keep everything vague now, not that they are interested anyway, only in why I am no longer as interested in them. They stick in the clan as many of them are friendless (no surprises there) but I have said no to meet ups with my own dear friends so many times to prioritise the family meet ups, that there is a huge imbalance now and life too short to entertain people who make you feel worthless 😊

They sound pretty awful, distance sounds good. Have you read A Woman In Her Own Right by Anne Dickson? Very good on standing up for yourself (dated sexual politics aside). Who needs awful people in their lives? No one!

@Comtesse thank you! I love a good book will check that out as be good to get some pointers on how to deal with this ongoing.
With Toxic friends and partners I just let them go, but cant cut them out altogether so need some strategies.
They seem to delight in making us feel bad. I guess I thought the lockdown might make them kinder and more supportive but if anything it made them even more grabby, attention seeking and superior. I just cancelled a camping trip with them due to DH starting new job I let them know, when I explained why, got nothing! No replies from any of the 12 going not even good luck, or sorry to hear that. Oh well dodged a bullet there!

Well done on communicating that - and relish the feeling of freedom after extracting yourself from some horrible experience. Think ahead to the rest of the year and decide what you will choose not to attend without a convenient and solid excuse like you have now - ie just because you don’t want to. Then either plan an excuse or schedule in a diary clash if you want to soften it - or just be ready to be vague with - “wont be attending x as we are busy / have a prior commitment”

Chalk up all of YOUR rejections of them as personal, assertive achievements and territorial wins of you increasing the space, time and distance.

You have said on a few posts that they didn’t even say x or y - just wondering why you are still expecting them to change their spots and behave with kindness, respect and politeness when they never have to date?

Are you still hoping / wishful thinking?

What’s the family dynamic here - who is the ring leader? The enablers? The flying monkeys etc

Circle of trust lol. That's in that meet the fockers movie isn't it.

Less contact, do your own thing.

@Gutterton yes exercising my assertiveness now to do our own thing even if it causes upset etc.
Yes I guess I did want them to change, I certainly hoped for that. Probably as I just cant understand that mentality, to use others to boost your own ego and feel superior.
The ring leader is a self styled patriach, successful, arrogant, bordering on narc.
He has an unpleasant habit of recruiting the young adults in the family to give my poor DH, and me by association 'banter' bullying really. Everything from vehicle we drive, how we look to our beliefs it never stops.
Last year after a bad incident where my DH was very pushed to the limit, I did confront him. Told him it was unacceptable and if wanted to 'head' the family that includes setting an example to the younger ones. He seemed to take it on board when we threatened no contact at that point. It was ok for like 2 months before it ramped up again. We deal with them all individually now but are regarded as sensitive.
If my DH says for example, that remark uncalled for, we are told, its only a joke to chill out basically turned back on us. Exhausting and depressing. Blimey writing this down its so bad. I feel stupid for allowing it to go on really.
Meet the fockers! Yep you have no idea, crazy crazy people.