Am I a mug?

[CustardOwl]

Sat here in tears after a row with dp so please be gentle.

Been with him for over 6 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. 1 who has had a terrible past 2 years of behavioural/MH issues. Kids are teenagers and both of them adore him, DC2 in particular. Dp has stuck by my side through out the turbulent time with DC2 problems, he has been to parenting course with me, school meetings, hospital appointments. I can not fault him. He has been through so much with me and we have come through the other side.
We were watching a DIY programme this evening and I was saying to him that the house on the show was exactly how I wanted my house to look. I am in the process of buying a house but it needs work doing on it.
I am not even sure how the row started but I asked if we were ever going to live together. This has been a bone of contention for a while. He always has a reason why we can't. Some of those reasons have been legitimate but as I find a solution to the reasons, he finds another problem why we can't live together. Now he has come up with one that seems insurmountable.
I have come to the conclusion that he either thinks I am after his money (I am not......im the most unmaterialistic person and I am very independent financially hence buying my own house) or that I am just not worth it. The latter feeling is further fuelled by the fact that he had 2 ex's who were really vile to him, controlling him etc. who he proposed to and lived with. I have always been really mindful of their treatment towards him and tried to be fair and respectful in our relationship because I know how much hurt they caused him. People have said he obviously has commitment issues, but to me but it seems to me like he didn't in the past. He only has a problem committing to me and our future. The previous relationships were much shorter than ours.

When we were arguing he offered no solutions. He said he was frustrated about us not living together but wouldn't say why.....he just gave very general answers that didn't really answer the question. If he told me he wanted us to buy somewhere together I would happily consider that option. I feel like I am always the one making the compromise on what I want from our relationship and he gets to carry on the way things are because he likes it that way. He has a family when he wants one and can escape back to his flat when he wants to be a singleton. I don't think his family like me much either. They all live in close proximity of one another and if he were to move over this way I think they think they'd lose him.
Amidst the row I said i didn't think there were many people who would stick around this long with no end in sight of us living together so he said most men wouldn't have stuck around with my daughters problems. That really hurt when he said that because I have sung her praises from dawn to dusk on how brilliant he has been. He then said he is the one making all the effort because he comes to my house every evening........he comes for tea and then goes to work which is 5 minutes around the corner from my house. (In comparison he lives over 10 miles away so has to come this way to get to work) I told him if it was such an effort not to bother coming any more. I thought he was coming because it's pretty much the only time we get to spend as a family.

I am tired of having the same argument with him over and over again. I don't see that there is any solution. I have tried to find one. I can't. I feel like it shouldn't be this hard and I shouldn't have to fight to get what is fundamentally a normal milestone in most relationship. He's said it himself that he is frustrated that we don't live together yet won't do anything to facilitate that happening. People constantly ask me are you living together? has he proposed yet? and every time i get asked I joke and say I will walk down the aisle gray. It really hurts.

I love him a lot. I know he loves me and the kids, but I am not sure if that is enough. I don't think he wants any more from the relationship, I don't think we want the same things, even though I have been clear from the outset with what I want and he made out he wanted the same things. It really really hurts. I don't think I can do it any more. What's the point? I am hurting so much right now. He took his things for work and stormed out the house slamming the door behind him. I am just at a total loss of what to do- well I think I know what I need to do but I am devastated. I feel like if any change comes now its because he has been backed into a corner and nagged into submission rather than he wants it......can't see how a relationship can last on that.

[ErickBroch]

I am sorry but you do know the answer as you've said it! He is not into this as much as you. You are not a family unit and while you want to be, he does not. He likes being able to escape and live on his own still when he wants. I am not saying this is wrong - but it is not compatible with what you want.

I would not waste any more time on a relationship that was not heading in the direction I wanted for my life.

[CustardOwl]

I just text him to say its best if he stays away tonight, that I need space and time to think. how much he has hurt me. How I have compromised so much over the years to accommodate what he wants but actually what I want doesn't seem to matter. That I can't see a solution and perhaps its his turn to think of one.

I feel totally drained.

[CustardOwl]

sat here in floods of tears again. I can't concentrate on my work and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. This is breaking my heart

[monkeymonkey2010]

OP.....i think he's been taking unfair advantage of you for 6 years.

He then said he is the one making all the effort because he comes to my house every evening........he comes for tea and then goes to work which is 5 minutes around the corner from my house. (In comparison he lives over 10 miles away so has to come this way to get to work)
Ahhh yes.....it's been 6 years and he willingly opted into this dynamic rather than get a flat closer by....
His own utility bills/cleaning etc are greatly reduced if he's spending the majority of waking time either at work or at yours.

How often he is at yours and does he pay his way re food/bills/housework?

I should also point out that we were talking about wills ages ago and he said he wants the kids if something were to happen to me....
A guy they've 'known' for 6 years who doesn't even live with them?!!!!
It doesn't matter how 'close' they are or how well they 'get on'.....he's got a bloody nerve saying this!!!!
Like they're own blood family and bonds count for nothing!

Sounds to me like he's projecting his own 'gold digger' tendencies onto you....
If he doesn't want to move in with you all - why is he keen to be their Guardian?
he'd legally be responsible/have access rights over their finances/inheritance if he could get parental responsibility by proxy.

He has a family when he wants one and can escape back to his flat when he wants to be a singleton
Absolutely.....and he's determined to keep it that way....unless YOU die and then he can enjoy spending your cash and living in your closer-to-his-work house under the guise of 'looking after' your kids.
On second thoughts....his 'support' re the kids/hospital etc - it all looks rather calculated now doesn't it?
He isn't interested in committing further to you personally or the 'family' as such.....but he'll do it when you're dead?????

Bin him.
He's taken the piss out of you for far too long.

[FifteenToes]

Bloke's perspective: He's had his fingers badly burnt, twice, by partners he's lived with, and maintaining separately owned accommodation is a necessary boundary for him to be able to even have another relationship at all.

Are you sure it's that important to you to live with him, and that you're not just concerned about fulfilling other people's expectations? An awful lot of the problems in relationships are caused by living together. I suspect a good number of the women on this board tearing their hair out over various habits of their husbands would be fine if they could just enjoy their company for what it is and then each return to their own space.

It's different where children are concerned, but your children are your own, not his, and you haven't said anything about wanting more children together.

It sounds like an ideal situation in many ways. He's fully involved in and supportive of your life and your childrens' lives. You see him every day. You can do whatever you want together, with or without children. And then he goes and does his own washing. :)

I've just got a terrible feeling that you're going to finally get what you've been pushing for, and then six months later be on here in tears asking how to LTB. Careful what you wish for.

[CustardOwl]

monkeymonkey2010 I don't think he said the thing about the kids and the will for personal gain. They don't have contact with their biological dad (his choice) but my money is all left to the kids. If their biological dad got a whiff of that he would go for custody. I think my bf said that with the guise of protecting them. Their own dad has no interest in them what so ever.
BF helps a bit round the house with chores and DIY, and chips in with food but I wouldn't expect him to cover anything else.

[CustardOwl]

FifteenToes I want to live with him I want us to have a life together, I want our home to be ours. Living between 2 places might sound great from an outsiders perspective but there are loads of downfalls also.

[oreoxoreo]

Similar situation here. I have 2 DC of my own. Together nearly 4 years, my boyfriend lives 30 miles away and works around the corner from my house. He's given me a lot of reasons why we can't live together (some serious and some BS reasons...) but did go on staying after work nearly every weekday and then spend some weekends in his own home sorting his stuff.

I felt lonely, especially on the weekends we are not together. I was the good week girlfriend providing him with dinner and washing his shirts, and I was meant to be happy that he stays around 5 days out of 7, helps me out with DIY and is good with my DC.

2 weeks ago I bit the bullet and told him not come on weekdays. He's taken it extremely well, saying he's got a lot of stuff to do at home. So now we gone are from seeing each other a lot to just weekend. I don't know where it will lead us.

We had the living together talk as well. It was always somewhere vaguely in the future, but for now it's always some BS why he can't. So I have consciously stopped talking about it. In fact I felt I have enabled him by giving him without much effort.

Now after these 2 separate weeks, probably for the first time he vaguely brought up, unprompted, the subject of living together by himself. I promptly ignored him. Needs to be more concrete. In the meantime like you I've started a process of moving my house, I am keeping fairly quiet about it (but he knows). In the past I asked him, should I look for a house where we all can fit together? He said no, look for yourself. And so I am doing exactly that. And he just rents and rents.

We are good together, but I am showing I am moving on with or without him. If anything I've been too good, and so are you OP. Time to shake this up.

Oh and just before I told him not to come on weekdays he called me his wife! It would be pleasant thought otherwise but I thought you are taking a piss, staying at mine because it's convenient, eating my food, sleeping in my bed and calling us family and me wife without having to move a finger? No! I think this was what set me off to rethink.

Good luck OP, PM if you want.

[We1rdandW0nderful5]

His actions speak louder than words
He has his own escape pad, his security

You said you were looking to buy, that was his perfect opportunity to say, let's buy together. But he hadn't done this

Neither of you are wrong, but it seems that you want different things

[monkeymonkey2010]

he's had 6 years to move closer to you and his work, OP.
He's CHOSEN not to.....yet has the nerve to turn it round on you.
He knows you'll keep chasing and begging him cos you're desperate to live together.....so he knows he can play this however he likes.