How can I recover from this?

[headsinaspin]

I moved in with my boyfriend just before lockdown which was quite intense as we went from living separately to being thrown together in a small space with our kids from previous relationships too.

However it seemed to work well and we had many amazing memories, as do the kids. I really enjoyed it and thought we had bonded more than ever.

A month ago I found out I was pregnant and he was excited, even going to the extent of planning names, we went to a scan and we started house hunting for a bigger house for our growing family.

Then one night after a lovely day of house hunting we were lying in bed he suddenly just switched and it all came out that actually he doesn’t want this/can’t do the relationship. He used everything from my mental health (I suffer with mild depression) and some health issues I have. To the fact my kids are “too much” that he hates my dog...He basically listed everything he could think of as reasons. I felt like a total idiot as all this time I thought (and he said) he was happy - I mean WHY had we just gone to view a new house?!

A couple of weeks ago I moved out of his and into my parents, as my pride wouldn’t let me stay with a man who didn’t want me and our unborn baby. I’d given up my rented place to move in with him and my self employed job is non existent since covid.

He then would call me to try and work on things, then the next day retract what he said and tell me he didn’t want me. Which is worse when you’re pregnant and hormonal! He also kept messaging me about the baby and how it was best to “nip it in the bud” early.

In the end I did terminate the pregnancy. He was hassling me so much asking what I was doing with the baby. Telling me he wanted nothing to do with me but that he wanted to see the baby if I had it (we now live nowhere near each other.) Never in my life did I expect to terminate a baby, but he had made me homeless and dumped me. I also don’t have an income due to covid. I didn’t know what else to do.

What hurts the most is from the moment he knew I was terminating (the past week) he hasn’t been in contact. I see today that he has started following girls again on insta (ones he was hooking up with before me) and is clearly back on the dating apps etc.

How can I get over this? He can now live his life with no girl knowing what cruel things he did to me. He also doesn’t have to go through the emotional trauma I have of having a termination. He's wipes me from his life and can happily move on.

I genuinely loved him, I realise now he didn’t love me even though he claims he did.

I’m trying my best to be strong. Only a handful of people know what’s going on. My whole life and my kids life has been turned upside down and he is just fine and living his single life like before.

How can I recover from this? My kids think we are just at my parents due to the virus. They’ll be gutted.

Jesus Christ. These men are actually vermin. I'm so so sorry

There are men out there who are complete c**ts.
He probably hid it extremely well.

You recover by taking each day at a time, or more realistically, each few minutes at a time. It will hurt, but time will heal.

Do not look at him on SM, IG, OLD etc. It will only torment you.

Keep in mind that he is the loser in this. He lost you.

I didn’t want to read and run.

I just want to tell you that you are very brave and dignified to move back to your parents’. Well done for having the pride to go to where you will be treated properly. You are in the best possible place so take it one day at a time.

Are you managing to eat, sleep, do any self care? How about journaling? Your head might be spinning but in the weeks to come things will feel clearer and I promise you won’t feel this wretched forever.

What he has done is appalling. The flip flopping, the hassling, fault finding by way of an excuse, the hiding this from you. Awful. Remember that in the weirdest most ironic way he has done you the biggest favour. You’re not tethered to someone capable of being so awful.

To echo a previous poster, don’t torment yourself looking at anything to do with him- social media, OLD the lot. It will reopen the wound and do you no good.

I recognise it will be hard to explain this to your kids, but in my experience they are resilient.

What support do you have around you, OP?

He sounds very unpleasant to put it mildly. Block him on every possible avenue and stop looking at his social media.

He sounds extremely immature in how he handled things. Even if he changed his mind about the baby, he was out of line to treat you like he did.

It may hurt you now, but at least you are not tired to this man for life with a shared child.

If he sleeps well at night knowing how he treated you, then he's a very wicked man and his nastiness will catch up with him.

You will recover piece by piece, for now seek comfort with your parents and children. When lockdown has lifted you can look forward to building your business again, see friends, it will take time to heal but you will get there, as others have said, don't look at his social media and don't have further contact with him, he will continue his immature life while you build a new strong one.

You are a warrior to survive this kind of abuse op. You are strong and sensible and have done the right thing, however hard.

Don't degrade yourself by sparing him another moment of your time. He doesn't deserve you and you've had a lucky escape. Your future lies elsewhere and will definitely be an improvement on this.

Well done you. You are an inspiration! A survivor.

OP this man is absolute fucking filth and not worth grinding your foot down on.

You are free and you are a thousand times better off - but you’ve been through a lot and will need time and kindness to recover from the trauma.

How to recover? The kindness of family and friends. Time. Self compassion. Check out Tara Brach meditations/podcasts/ audiobooks. Let yourself rest and recuperate. Start to make plans - little things - to look forward to. Eat well. Nourish yourself. Maybe seek counselling/therapy.

You’ll be ok - because he’s fucked off. You’re fortunate he showed you his repulsive true colours.

You've had one huge escape, lady. Massive.

What your kids want and need is Mummy. That twat is nothing more than some bloke Mummy was friends with.

... and 💐💐💐

Oh I am so , so , sorry. This man is awful , absolutely awful. You had to terminate your pregnancy because of financial difficulty , homelessness and splitting up with HIM. The so called man who's on Instagram trying to hook up .... Bastard .

You must be really really struggling with everything. I've did the termination because of homelessness and it was an awful time of my life.

We can ( and we will) call this man out to be the pathetic and cowardly specimen that he is but you have to take care of you now. Keep posting .

I'm so sorry .

He is a shit with no redeeming features. Pity the unfortunate soul who ends up with him. You didn't just dodge a bullet, it was the size of a missile.

Well let him just fuck right off to the miserable future he will build for himself and you can rebuild your life and be happy. You have already done so well in leaving his place and going to your parents. You should be happy that his mask slipped in time and that you got away from him.

Vile prick. How extremely upsetting. 😩😢

You get over this because you are the better person. You are nice and kind and did nothing wrong. You've had a lucky escape.

I winced when I read about the termination. I am so so sorry you're going through this. Grieve for what you've lost and be really really kind to yourself and your children. It must be so unsettling and difficult for them too.

You will get through this.

I'm so sorry OP. What an awful grade A tosser he is. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will recover from this. Just take it one day at a time for now, be kind to yourself and make sure you've got some RL support. 💐 for you