How the hell do I deal with these people??!

[Lorry123]

I have spent the past 4 years trying to navigate co-parenting with a very very angry toxic exH and his equally mad partner. Any interaction with them unleashes World War 3 and leaves me a jibbering wreck with anxiety through the roof.

I've tried everything - trying to pacify, just accepting whatever they demand (even if it is totally inconvenient for me), ignoring them, killing them with kindness, but literally nothing works. Now my kids are a bit older they are also being manipulated and it is heart breaking.

Has anyone had experience of this and found a way to navigate through this mess? Is ignoring them my only option (along with deep breathing and therapy!)

You can't co-parent with an asshole. But you can try and parallel-parent. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and ignore everything else.

When dc got to 11, 13 +14 I no longer had any contact with exh whatsoever.
Dc used their own phones to organise lifts here /anything I needed to know about. My mh drastically improved I can tell you!! Dc were less stressesd.. At 12 +14 the younger ones went nc with him. His interest in them faded away and he started neglecting them when he could no longer use them as tools to beat me with.

Google 'grey rock technique' and have a read.
How old are the DC?
This is never going to be easy I'm afraid.
Could you have contact with him via a 3rd party?
A friend or a family member so you don't have to deal with them?
Do you have a court order?
I'd go for that first.
Stop allowing them to stomp all over your boundaries.
You need boundaries and you need to be very clear about them.
If something is inconvenient for you - then tough on them.
I can't imagine how hard it will be but you need to start pushing back.
Bullies only respond to strength. They will push and push and push otherwise.

What ages are DC?

From MN I learned to

1. set up an email address that is solely for contact with the EXp. Check it once a day at the same time every day and then ignore it at all other times.

2. never respond immediately to a demand or request. Read it. Then go away and get on with other stuff and mull the demand over. Decide whether it’s reasonable, whether you can accommodate it Or if there is another option and how you want to respond. (Calmly with no emotion. Facts only)

3. respond only to stuff regarding the DC and ignore anything that is aggressive or abusive even if it about the DC.

Block them on everything bar one method of contact. Only reply to matters regarding the kids. While they kids are with you, never bother checking the messages more than once per day.

Drop the kids off and pick them up at neutral locations and that should be your only physical contact (ideally, get someone else to do these drop offs). Never force them to see their dad if they don't want to. Never excuse their fathers hurtful behaviour to them or tell them they should accept it.

And, if you want - up and move to the other side of the country. That way you'll barely have to see the pair of them at all. The kids might have to go stay with him on occasion. But thats probably better than having to see them all the time. He can bitch and moan all he likes but you wont be about to see it xD

Thanks all! DC are 11 and 13 so are starting to take control of the comms with their dad - latest blow up has been because my DCs were signed up to appear in a TV advert without my knowledge by the mad partner - I had no idea until my youngest mentioned it in passing. When I asked for some information (grey rock/boundaries) all hell broke loose.

I have 2 court orders in place which include instructions on how they are to communicate with me but they try and trample all over it every time and I don't have the energy or finances to keep fighting them in courts or with wasted lawyers letters telling them how to behave. It's exhausting!