Ended it via text

[Ritascornershop]

I don’t live in the UK, very few cases here, we have been allowed to go for socially distanced walks all along, which progressed to having a group to socialize w for quite a while now.

In April and May I went on some distanced walks with a man I knew a bit from our community. It was nice chatting to him. He’s quite a bit older than me, and I did feel at times there was a generation gap. He’s also quite well off and I felt that could be a problem as I find men here are very income conscious about women. After 5 of these walks though, and me being very clear repeatedly that I wanted to go slowly as I was very cautious w men, he got very handsy (& I was both not ready for that and thought he was a terrible kisser). Then he blurted out that he wanted “fun”, which I took to mean he wanted a fwb & not a relationship. Which I’m certainly not into with him, or possibly any pensioner.

So I thought I’d let it die a death and just not contact him (but if he’d contacted me I would have replied & let him know).

Six weeks later (of no contact) he suddenly texts me to let me know he’s not interested in seeing me again. Nice to meet you Rita, but I’ll pass thanks kind of thing. Cheeky fucker!!

I’m leaning to ignoring him but slightly want to reply telling him that I hadn’t messaged him because I wasn’t into it! I’m assuming ignoring is the more dignified route? I’m irked that he thinks I’m disappointed though.

I haven’t had much practice dating since my divorce years ago, so I’m unsure how most people would handle this. Thoughts?

It really annoyed me as soon as I got home how touchy he’d been (thinking of Steve Coogan’s Touchy Feeley now). He also said that he’d “never had to be this patient” before. Wtf? It came across as if I should be grateful he’d waited 5 walks before snogging at me. That does not seem like a hugely long wait to me. I told him I wanted to get to know him first. Sigh. Fairly fed up with men right now.

Nora, I felt that previously when I’d gone forward based on physical attraction I’d ended up hurt, and I see so often women saying it can take a while to find the attraction with someone. One of my best mates said it took her a few months to feel that with her now long-term partner, but as she liked his company she wanted to see if it would develop. I hoped it would with me & this man, but then felt rushed and a bit judged.

You have to trust your instincts especially with dating. It doesn't matter if you can't identify the reason someone sets your spidey senses off at the time.

I completely agree with those pp who think "who is this?" is immature. But I have used it on occasion with an idiot like this because I'm not perfect and find it harder not to bite eg if my peri-menopausal hormones are affecting my mood. Fwiw, I've never received a response so it had the desired effect.

For someone you aren't interested in, you have certainly thought about him a lot.

I thought “who is this” was funny, but I don’t plan to use it.

I agree completely about trusting our instincts! I wish I’d been told that more as a girl.

@Livandme - because I started the thread it pops up when I check in on threads I am on. I hadn’t thought of him in weeks until he texted me, and barely since then, but I am replying to people here. I think there can be a tendency online for people to think they know what other people are thinking, even when the other people have not indicated x,y, z.

Dont send ‘who is it’. He will take as you being passive aggressive because you are stung. It’s an ego thing. He has told you he is not used to waiting. How dare you ignoring him for 6 weeks. In his head, he’s had the last laugh. You saying ‘Who is it’ is like saying ‘I didn’t really you anyway’ after being dumped.
Leave him. That will annoy him. He wants a reaction from you.

I wouldn’t even block him unless he starts sending more messages.

I think ‘who is this’ reply will look quite stupid after a chain of previous texts. Besides, it might look that you are/were dating several men and now not sure which one has dumped you. Your decision to ignore is the best - dignified and shows that you actually too pity him to hurt.

I realise being nice is not always in my best interest with men (or coworkers for that matter). For decades I thought if I was nice to people they’d be nice back, but a minority take advantage and/or bully.

There's being nice, and then there's putting yourself at a disadvantage in order to make others lives easier or the situation more comfortable.

You can be nice, but also have boundaries and be confident. Which are you doing OP?

To me being nice often means ensuring my behaviour does not make others uncomfortable. I do believe this is nice, but it also means that when others do not subscribe to this then we are on an unequal footing. So sometimes in order to have firm boundaries I am being less nice to that sort of person.