Relationship SOS

[colajay]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out as there is no one in my life I can talk to about this.

I am 8 weeks pregnant and over the moon. My husband and I have been married for two years together for 8 in total.

Things are definitely not always rosy, we clash a lot and do tend to fight more often than the average couple. However I’d say since becoming pregnant things have changed, and not in a good way.

He hasn’t shown me any extra love or care. I’ve bought him books which he hasn’t touched. Never once asks me how I’m feeling - if anything if I say I’m tired or feel sick he rolls his eyes. He hasn’t once seemed excited. I’ve actually asked him if he is happy and he says he is but he is so cold towards me I don’t feel it.

He shows no interest in how the baby is growing or what is happening in my body.

To top all of this off he has zero tolerance for any moodiness or hormones from me. If I am slightly grumpy he snaps and shouts and causes an argument. I feel like I’m not allowed to be hormonal and pregnant (and I’m really not even that bad).

He’s just horrible. I told him this evening it felt like he didn’t care and actually that he didn’t love me. He didn’t seem upset by this in fact just continued to shout at me so I left the room in tears to the spare room where I will sleep tonight.

I feel completely lost. I’m 34 years old and I will have this child. But I don’t know if my relationship will survive. He also shows next to no interest in me sexually - he barely shows any affection other than a kiss on the forehead before bed.

I am completely lost scared and I just don’t know what to do any more. I think I have lower tolerance now than before I fell pregnant possibly because I’m now thinking I won’t put up with this any more. I’m not perfect by an means but I make an effort to bring us closer together and involve him, be affectionate towards him and I get nothing in return.

All advice welcomed.

Thank you x

Sorry to hear that. The last thing you need is any stress in your life at the moment so please look after yourself.
You will get a lot of posters telling you to leave him straight away, but I'm sure the reason you are posting is that you are looking at all options, including trying to resolve things.
I remember my husband acted similar in my first pregnancy, we ended up having a blazing row about it and it turned out he was incredibly stressed out that I was going to miscarry (his Mum lost 5 babies after he was born).
Ironically, him acting like that would have put me more at risk anyway!
Could there be an underlying factor why he is acting the way he is? It's a very overwhelming time for everyone and he could be bottling his fears and feelings up. Try and talk to him about it. What's the relationship with his parents like? He could already be doubting his own parenting skills, so many things go through your head in the first few months and women are good at talking about it, but Men seem to bottle it up and act very strangely instead!

Also my husband didn't want to come near me (sexually) toward the end of my pregnancy either, that's completely normal and try not to take that personally

It's right at the beginning of her pregnancy, tho?

OP, I think you might be expecting too much regarding reading books and so on regarding the pregnancy - it's very early days and may not feel particularly real to him. I'm not sure what sort extra love and care you're expecting?

But you should certainly be getting normal love and care.

I think it takes time for everyone to get their head around a pregnancy.
My DS was planned and DP was happy and excited but didn’t really have that protective / caring attitude I thought he would. At the time this hurt but I was suddenly an emotional wreck when before I hadn’t needed this. Turns out he just saw me as independent and coping. As PP has mentioned he had fears and anxieties he didn’t want to burden me with and the whole thing wasn’t really real for him until DS was born. For you it’s real now.

I had a traumatic C section birth So DP was the first to hold DS. He cut his cord and held him and cried his eyes out. I could tell he loved him so much. He’s a wonderful and supportive father who loves DS more than life itself. He would do anything for his little boy.

Safe to say when we have a second I won’t worry about his blasé pregnancy attitude. I know when the baby gets here he’ll be a great dad and a wonderful DP.

I went through every emotion when pregnant - he doesn’t love me, he’s cheating, he regrets the baby.

Turns out I was wrong.

If your relationship is otherwise good. Be kind to DP and stick it out. Being parents is going to test your relationship to the max, you’re going to disagree, fight, hate and love each other to a degree you’ve never felt. Try to communicate and be forgiving.