Partner sexted his friend

[Watermelon24]

I have been with my partner for eight years and we have a three year old together. My sex drive hasn't been the same since I had a baby but in every other way we had a good relationship. The sex wasn't gone completely but I knew it was an issue for us.

My partner had a female friend who also has a child and he occasionally went over to her house with our son for play-dates. After the last time they saw each other they had a text conversation which was a bit flirty. He said at that point he just enjoyed a bit of attention but didn't think it would go any further. Then a week or so later, she text him coming onto him late at night and they sent each other pictures. The next day, he messaged her telling her that they couldn't be friends anymore and he confessed to me a month later out of pure guilt. I never would have suspected a thing and I do believe his version of events, because he confessed to me and I also know they haven't seen each other in person since the texting started.

He is claiming that he felt really insecure about our sex life and that he was able to do this because it made him feel good that someone wanted him sexually. He wants me back but I have kicked him out for now and we are co-parenting for our son. I just can't believe it and I can’t help but worry that he had feelings for his friend, even though he says it was never about her. I have a huge decision to make and I don't want a broken family for my son but I also don't know if I can cope with this. We could have had a discussion about our sex life without having to go through this! He says he will wait for as long as it takes and is trying to work on himself through counselling but I don’t know what to do.

I'd really appreciate any advice from people who have gone through anything similar. Thanks.

I was really hoping that completely impartial people on here would be able to help me, but unfortunately I don't think it will because opinions have differed so much and I am already going round in circles.

I am aware that I neglected his sexual needs, but not completely. Some of you haven't read this properly, I didn't refuse to have sex at all. I was aware there was an issue but not aware of how deep it was for him. I don't think I was a really cold person and I don't think he was a really honest, desperate man. He did something sneaky and disgusting but he's not a completely bad person either based on the rest of the last eight years. The truth is somewhere in the middle of all the extreme opinions.

For now I would like to have a proper break and continue to live separately and maybe work things out in the future for the sake of my son. That's as close to decision as I can get. Thanks for all replies.

Hi op, I think a break sounds like a good thing

It is soul destroying to be with someone who never initiates because it means that you are the only person who gets rejected when the other one doesn't feel like it ( I know ), but it doesn't give him the right to sext another woman especially someone he knows and has met

Maybe he is the wromg person for you

'For now I would like to have a proper break and continue to live separately and maybe work things out in the future for the sake of my son. That's as close to decision as I can get. Thanks for all replies'
That is completly sensible. Hope you end up doing the right things for all involved: you, him and the child. Goodluck OP.

Oh OP. You haven6negkected his needs fgs. You're not a house slave, nobody should be having sex they do not want to have 'for' men and their bloody 'needs'. Entitlement and misogyny is more the reality of it. What he did is entirely on him and he wasn't at home trying to flirt with you was he, he was more interested in someone else.

You don't just sext out of nowhere, so there will be more to it, you will never know how often they really messaged. He has been sexually unfaithful and cheated. Why would you want to forgive him or be with someone that does this to you. He has demonstrated he cares more about wanking over another woman than he does your feelings. Hardly true love is it, and there is no trust.

Plus it's no life wasting the years away worrying about whether you can bring yourself to sexually service a man just to keep him.

I would remain separated, you've done the hard bit in kicking him out when many wouldn't feel able to.

It’s insane to say OP has neglected his needs bearing in mind all those cheating threads where Cheaters seem to always justify their behaviour by ‘not getting if at home’. Very sad!
Also, he has now spontaneously offered to counselling. If the mismatched sex drive was such an issue to him, why not go counselling before possibly with OP?
What happened in this month before his sudden come to jesus guilt realisation?

OP don’t feel pressured to make a decision now, take your time and a big hug to you.

Mismatched sex drives is an unsolvable problem. One person will always be unhappy.

I think you’ve done the right thing asking for a separation.

If you can find a way to reconcile I think it's worth a try.

He confessed....that's a good sign and he cut contact with her because he didn't want to go down that road.

He had said he'll wait as long as necessary and sounds remorseful.

Ultimately, you have to decide whether you are able to give him the opportunity to try and rebuild the trust.

You may want to consider couples counselling as well.

With the mismatch in sex drives, an honest conversion is required. Will he be satisfied with sex once a month or every 2 months for the duration of your relationship...because if not, then that's an issue.

For now I would like to have a proper break and continue to live separately and maybe work things out in the future

Be clear on the terms of this break, so that you both know where you stand.

You say maybe work things out in the future...so is it over for now?

Are you or him free to date other people?

There's no excuse for it. He'll do it again. Sorry.

@RLEOM you're being utterly ridiculous. How can you say that?
Jesus, the way some people are carrying on is like the OP's DH has murdered his firstborn child. I do think she bears some responsibility in all this. And I'm sure you and a lot of other posters will shoot me down for that. But I'm sorry, it's my opinion. People who have relationships must realise sex is part of that. Or it's just a friendship. And just because she was happily trolling along with no sex, doesn't mean he was happy. Did she even care? Or ask him if he wanted a little or no sex relationship? I think a PP had it right, when sex drives are mismatched, one person will always be unhappy. And I suggest if OP does not want sex, or isn't bothered about it she should seek someone else who needs match hers.

I think a PP had it right, when sex drives are mismatched, one person will always be unhappy.

Then surely he should bring it up before cheating/sexting someone else and tell her she needs to find herself someone else? Also OP has repeatedly said it was not a platonic relationship and was not aware it was an issue for him.

I have been in almost the same place and first of all I'm sorry for what you're going through! It is hell! I dont want any judgments from others here, this was all my choice and OP wants to know from people who have been in similar situations!

When it happened to me, I found the texts. I didnt read them all I chucked his phone across the room. I was so angry that he could have done this to me, I had given birth to his child! At first I wanted him to suffer. I wanted to break things, end everything and get even. We had a child together, she was about 2 at the time and he said similar things, that our sex life wasnt what it was and that was true but it didnt feel fair.

I felt like I could never get over it at first. The first couple months were the hardest. I couldn't think about anything else. I thought I could never trust him again, I felt sick thinking about it, I was betrayed and hurt, I came close to ending things many times. But as time went on I thought about it more and it wasnt physical and he did show genuine remorse even if he didnt tell me like yours has. He is a great daddy and I believed he still loved me. We talked about what he had done over and over. We talked and talked about our sex life and how it made him feel, I was angry with him but I could see that it had really affected him. He tried to talk to me about it before though so maybe that's why I was able to accept that I had some part to play in it. If he never tried to talk to you about it then how were you to know? Did he ever try?

It was about 3 or 4 months afterwards and I just started to feel a bit better about things. I missed him during this time and I missed being a family. I gave him another chance and we took things slowly. He was very patient and it was sometimes sweet because I knew he was trying really hard and over time he made me feel close to what I did before. It took a long time to get any intimacy back, but when we did it was like a snowball affect and it was like being together for the first time all over again once I let go of it. It was possible for me and I never thought that it was. I always thought I was someone who would just cut and run. Having a break was essential you should do that but set rules for him and yourself. It helped because there was still plenty of pain I wanted to cause him and lashing out at him but now I am glad that I didnt. It also helped me realise that even though this was all his fault, losing him was now my choice as unfair as that was. Having a break made me reflect on what I would lose. You need to breathe and heal yourself.
It's been 3 years and I love him and we are happy. It took a while, but I was glad to be a family again and I was able to put the past behind me. I think about it every now and then, but I'm not angry or sad when I do anymore. For us it helped to bring us closer and I know I made the right choice.
Everyone is different though. You should take time, look after yourself and spend time with your family and friends. You have been together for 8 years and have a child, it sounds like he is remorseful and sorry. No one is perfect and everyone is capable of doing bad things. Before it happened to me I would have been telling you to run away and dont look back, but now I think your relationship doesnt sound like a lost cause. Gather your information and then take that away. Gather yourself and look after yourself. I lost alot of weight during this and I was all over the place to begin with, it's important you look after yourself. Do you have people supporting you?

Hang in there, dont rush anything and look after yourself. If he says he will wait and you believe him, then make him. It's the least he deserves right now. Bring yourself calm before you end things completely. It sounds like you want to have him back, if you do you need time, calm and you have to be willing to make some changes.
I feel for you, it's such a terrible thing to go through but it gets better! Hope this helps

Then surely he should bring it up before cheating/sexting someone else and tell her she needs to find herself someone else?

Absolutely.

However a separate thing to look at is that surely in modern relationships the partner who doesn't want to have sex should equally be responsible for starting a discussion about it as the person who does want sex.

The OP did she say she was aware there was an issue but i'm talking about in relationships in general (for the sake of discussion here).

As women we're aware that women often lose their sex drive once they have babies, sometimes it comes back, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes there are women on here who do not want to have sex with their partners ever again...but they don't tell their partners/husbands that and they either have infrequent sex or no sex at all.

Every single time without fail when a man posts here about his partners lack of interest in sex he is torn to shreds, it's very hard for men to get genuine advice.

In an ideal world the partner who wants more sex would speak up about how it's affecting them and the couple could work on things together..whatever that means for them, but then in most threads on here where a woman said her partner has said that he's accused of being manipulative or things like that.

and also in that ideal world the partner who doesn't want sex might bring up the topic with their partner, acknowledge the lack of sex or how infrequent it is but reassure the partner that they still love and desire them and they're still attracted to them.

If you've not actually seen their text history I'm not sure I'd be believing his version of events tbh.
He might say hes deleted them but there is software to retrieve them. I get you wont want to look at the sexual ones but I would want to see the one where he called it off. Am sceptical, sorry op.
Apart from your son you've zero ties, you can still co-parent amicably. You're in a better position in that way than most.
The sex issue wont change probably in the long run, I'd let him go personally.
In any case it's very good that you've chucked him out for now so you can think about what you want to do.

Thankyou so much stricky90 for your reply. It's good to know that you don't think about it any more 3 years on and still feel sad. I think my worst fear is staying with him and feeling resentful and letting this drive me crazy. Thanks for taking the time to write that out.

I believe his version of events because I know him and I know the person he did this with and she has no morals to put it politely. (Before I get accused of blaming the woman I know he is responsible for his own actions too!) I'm not surprised she tried it on at all but I trusted him so much I just never thought anything would happen. I don't know if I can get that level of trust back.

We did talk about needing to go out and get a babysitter a bit more often and stuff like that because I did know he wanted sex more often but didn't realise how bad it was affecting him. So we sort of talked about bringing back the romance but not deeply enough. He just should have talked to me.

You're welcome sweet.
Everyone is different and my situation wasnt exactly the same but I hope things work out for you. You are talking like I was thinking and doing what I was doing. Trust is so important and he has betrayed you, so set some rules, take a break and enjoy watching him squirm for a while it's the least he deserves!
Keep us updated on how things progress for you, I'd love to know how things turn out and I hope you make things work the best for yourself.

Many women in here have said that their partners sex drive is less than theirs and despite talking etc nothing works. They opt to leave and are advised to leave. They say they can't face the rest of their lives in a sexless relationship or with someone who grudgingly makes love once a month.

I think you need to let your partner go and find someone who shows him real interest and fancies him. He's been patient for 3 years so it's not as if he is demanding. Of course he was wrong to text another woman but the relationship is wrong for both of you.

Replies here will often not be impartial because on MN men are pretty much always in the wrong.

Anyone, male or female, can expect sex as part of a loving relationship UNLESS they are both asexual/there are illness disabilities preventing this/it has been mutually agreed that sex is off the table. It is a fact regardless of all the cries of 'a man cannot expect sex' etc. The many many infidelity threads and times I've seen posters admit it themselves that they have cheated show that when there is a lack of sex in a relationship, cheating is far more likely. I think the stats are something like 40% of people in relationships cheat. I'd bet good money that a lack of sex at home is at the root of most of that.

No one should have sex when they really don't want to. But at the same time they cannot expect unilateral fidelity from their partner unless they are both happy with the frequency.

I know someone who's partner wasn't often interested in having sex and when they did it was very little effort on their part. The person I know was always the one to initiate and had said that this bothered them. Many discussions were had. Nothing ever changed. In the end the person I know gave up asking and said that when they were interested, they knew where to come. After 3 years and zero interest, there was an affair. Hardly surprising at all. But the person who wouldn't have sex felt they were hugely wronged due to the affair and had assumed their partner didn't want sex after all that time. I can't see how there would ever have been a different outcome. And you see it time and time again on here.

If you don't want a fulfulling sex life that is good for you both, then let him go.

OP hasn't said she didnt want sex at all seems like it could be worked on if she loves him enough to give him another chance and clearly he wants to do you want to?. My DH did much worse than this and we managed to work it out. Long time ago now long term relationships take alot of work to keep going to make it through the ebbs and flows it's been 6 years since I went through this together for 13 and let me tell you this will feel insignificant one day. He let this woman come between his family but he came clean to you and you believe he is sorry and you believe he wouldnt do it again and he wants to work on things so are you going to let this woman come between you and your family? If not then snatch him back and work it out you might not get another chance at a stable family that's what decided it for me and I never missed time with my kids because of her and I have no regrets and we are happily married now. I took the power back that I felt this other woman had over me and I used it to our advantage we were at it like rabbits the year after if that's what you worried about and that was the problem for us too. You need to take power back and realise this only going to be as bad for you as you let it be it's all in your head dont let it get to you and fight for your child and your OH if thats what you want maybe that is blunt but to me it doesnt seem bad enough to throw everything away

I think this could be saved but only if your sex life was improved and is this what you really want ? If you can’t imagine having regular sex with him and more exciting sex which is what his probably craving then let it go or it will just happen again in the future it depends what you want. He does seem genuinely sorry for what he has done. Men bury their heads instead of talking sometimes that’s no excuse but I can see how this happened. Women often forget about sex / go off it after a baby and think that the man has too. But the man rarely does !!!! Better communication about it is needed and work out weather you can work together so you are both truly happy. Good luck x

Just wanted to update this..... I told him that I probably wanted to work things out but only if he takes full responsibility for his actions. I have also reassured him that I never stopped being sexually attracted to him but I refused to see his worries about that as a good reason for cheating. He says he understands. We are still living apart but when we handover our son instead of leaving straight away we have been spending bits of time together as a family of three and it makes me feel like that's what I want. Probably won't post on here again, thankyou to everyone who has been kind x

Good update. Nice to see a real life, compromise, non extreme developing problem and solution for once rather than the usual polarization that seems to happen. Good luck