Are things over? What next?

[justanotherlost]

My partner had an affair maybe a year or two ago. I don't know if it's over, they have said it is, but I don't believe them, how am I meant to. I've been lied to, manipulated, betrayed and ultimately rejected. They say they still love me, but there's no sign of affection, we have 3 kids, they're difficult, two of them have autism. Talking about it leads to arguments, at the first sign of an argument they shut down communication, stop talking, walk away leaving nothing resolved. I've tried showing affection, we still share a bed and every now and then I'll try a cuddle, more often than not they make it known that it's not wanted, sometimes accidentally elbowing me, sometimes just pulling away or getting out of bed altogether. The only conversation is practical, I don't speak my mind any more, it's all kept inside.
I think I hate them, sometimes I'll sleep in another room because it gets too much. I was on anti-depressants for a while and they helped short term, it felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet only to find there's nothing underneath, a complete void and I'm left falling forever.
I thought we were in love and I don't know what happened, what did I do? What can I do now?
I want to talk to the kids about it but I don't know what to say, we're co-dependant financially and it just seems like too much to do anything about.
I want them to feel the pain and hurt and shock of having your world torn apart and left to crumble, to have someone you thought you could trust, someone you would have bet your life on turn and betray you and abandon you. I could reveal their affair, ruin more lives, they're also married with kids, but I doubt it'd have the same impact and how would it help me?
I wanted to try to get back something of what we had, even if it's not the same but it's just not working.
Every time I think about it I'm answering my own question, things are over but what do I do next?

Make a plan. Do not accept misery for the rest of your life. You and your children deserve better.

Think really hard about what you want and need. They don’t appear to care what you want or need to get through this.

So plan. If it takes a day of a year to implement? Do it.

Agree with above there are 2 options. 1) stay and be miserable or 2) make a plan to leave or better still get partner to leave for the sake of stability for the children. Would that be possible?

We're financially co-dependant and neither of us wants to leave the children. I just feel stuck and unable to talk to anyone and incredibly lonely, the only affection I get is from my children.
I could forgive, but they don't want forgiveness, they don't want me any more, there's no remorse, they've just moved on.
I don't know what they want either and we're not able to talk about it. I want them to leave but I can't force them to go.
I live and work a long way from my family and they're a long way from their family so there's no escape there, my parents are also too old and find it difficult having the three kids around even when I visit with them because of the whole autism and poor impulse control. I couldn't inflict myself upon them for too long even though I'm sure they'd say it was okay. My family are like that, they'd say it was okay, but then you'd feel it was not.

I'd start looking at the financial situation and practicalities, and start moving forward towards a split.

Do you work? What's the housing situation - rent/own, in whose names, etc?

We both work, earn about the same now, for the previous 20 odd years I've been the main earner. House owned with mortgage in both our names, neither of us has savings, everything has been joint for a long time, neither can afford to buy the other out, unless they get outside help of course. I won't get outside help from anywhere. It's ridiculous, we still do home improvement things like just getting a new boiler and that sort of thing, what for? What are we investing in? It's just carry on as normal, except it's not.

I'd get some legal/financial advice about how to manage a split.

Might be best selling up and starting over. Which makes keeping up repairs etc a good thing.

Any idea when/what to tell kids, should I consent to keep it quiet? Should I tell their mum & family by way of explanation? I haven't told anyone connected to us, not even my family. I think they're lying about ending it because they're afraid I'll tell the other spouse. Should I do so?

I would speak to your family and get some support and to have someone to talk things through with - it must be bloody horrible managing all this on your own.

The children - well, I'd wait until you have some idea of how this will play out. They must be aware of tension? So I'd try to create space for them to talk about how they're feeling.

Telling the other person's spouse? I dunno. Using it loses whatever leverage you might have from it.

So I finally worked up the courage and calmness to try to talk things through. Really it was intended as an ultimatum. I explained I am unsatisfied with the current situation and I don't think that it would improve without third party help. Would they consent to marriage counselling? The answer was a flat out "No", I had been dreading it but it wasn't a complete surprise. The conversation continued about where we're heading and it turns out that my spouse has already been to a solicitor and has drawn up a list of "options".
I asked why this was done in secret and the answer was they were still thinking.
None of the options involve trying to stay together, it's just a list of assets, values and the complications that exist when trying to divide them up.
To me this goes way beyond thinking and has become planning.
I wonder when I would have found out what their "thinking" reached a conclusion. Presumably when the divorce papers arrive and the locks are changed.
The point is moot anyway. I shall be speaking to a solicitor next week and I've broken the news to the kids that we are splitting up. I think the more time they have to process the idea the better.