Confused to leave...

[Icequeen89]

Long ranting post, with so many issues... apologies.

DP and I have been together almost two years and been living together for over 1 (his own home) I brought with me 2 DC.

We love each other but I’m seriously looking at moving away.

He works away (we only see each other weekends at best and he’s worked away for 6 months continuously currently With no contact) he doesn’t want to FaceTime me anymore, he’s too tired but happy to message constantly. Every message I dread because we are constantly arguing about the smallest of things. He has plans for the garden when he gets back and doesn’t ask my opinion, he offers to buy me a cheap car because he likes the brand (I have my own car and he has two) again I don’t get a say on, maybe i would like this car instead but no. It’s take this one or no car. Our replies become boring, we argue. Only so many how are yous we can manage. Guess that’s the joys of LDR

I struggle financially, 2 DC and only just started working PT, he knows this. He makes a really good wage and will come home with a lot of money. I tell him I struggle to get food. It annoys me that he’s willing to watch me struggle. I accidentally broke a light in the kitchen and wants me to replace it (£70) my DC dad pays for our sky and internet because we couldn’t afford it (by we I mean me and DC) I asked DP to go half with me and he said he’d rather cancel it completely.
I said I needed a new part for my car the other week and was looking for a cheap second hand part. The next week he’s ordered three new car bits (we modify cars) including the parts I needed for his own car. It’s not I don’t want him to have what he wants, but felt like a slap in the face. He believes he can do as he pleases with his own money as long as he pays the bills and vice versa. Which is great if I had anything other than my £60 a week to feed and spend.
If he doesn’t want something for the house I like he tells me I can buy it myself because he knows I can’t. I do buy Knick knacks first the house when I can to help contribute and although he buys paint, I do the hard work.
We watched a wedding thing on the tv around Christmas time and we got talking about weddings. (I could’ve seen myself marry this guy) and he says he wouldn’t do it without a pre nup. He doesn’t want me touching his house (£70k) his pension or any of his things he has worked for. He tells me my contributions count for nothing because.. love doesn’t pay the bills. I pay for half the electric and gas and house insurance, my ex pays for tv and internet and he pays his mortgage. Considering I earn 1/4th of his income I feel really down trodden because it costs me everything to stay afloat currently and he’s looking at holidays and cars. I don’t expect everything for free or to be given to me at my feet and it’s not all about his money but I feel if he loved me he would at least offer to help. It’s the idea behind watching someone you love struggle more than the financial side. Like I would with a friend. My friend is skint, here I’ll buy the takeaway. My DC dad buys us a takeaway twice a month or we would never have one, my DP went bezerk over it.

I gave up my dream career I had just been accepted for, to move to be with him 500 miles from where I was and I dream about it literally all the time. I can’t do it here as I have no support with childcare etc and it’s unsocialable hours etc... My mum is 500 miles away too who would’ve helped me.
He has friends round sleeping on the sofa drunk which I hate as I don’t know them and I have the kids. I’m not a massive drinker and he’s admittedly a previous functioning alcoholic. When I asked him to tell his friend to leave we ended up in our first ever fight where I sobbed about having to leave because he couldn’t tell his friend to walk two streets home. It’s my house and he can stay if he likes is what I was told.

I just feel really unloved. When I mention this he always asks what do I do for him and when I mention he never has asked to speak to the children while away or ask how they are, his reply is they don’t ask how I am. They don’t care.

He is moving his job near home so will be home full time come September. I’m dreading the fact I will be responsible for being his housewife without anything from him. Cooking for him every day and cleaning and the kids all the while working every weekend Friday Saturday and Sunday. While he gets those days off. I get moaned at when he comes home on weekends and has to cook a meal because it’s his downtime but where is mine. Yes I’m just a mum but it’s hard work sometimes especially all alone with no friends or family around me. Lockdown has literally changed zero aspect of my life as I’ve been doing this for ages now.
Despite all this, I’ve never been more comfortable with another person. He pays when we go out for meals when he is home. He’s very affectionate which I love and our bedroom antics are fab. I just don’t feel like we are in a relationship (more like housemate with benefits) and as much as I say so I end up apologising and he doesn’t see him doing any wrong.
I hate the area we live in and he will never move away from his mum (another story about him being a mummies boy).

Why am I finding it so hard to leave?
I have the option to go back to where I was and try and reapply for the job I was offered but I change my mind hourly.
I told him last week I was unhappy and his response was, if you’re leaving, do it before I get back...
I have 30 days... please help!

Take his advice - Gtf out of there before he comes home.

You are a house sitter now. And will be a housekeeper when he gets back. An unpaid one.

He is a prick op.
No normal person let's a partner struggle and doesnt give a shit. Infact, he probably likes you being skint because it makes him feel richer in comparison and because it makes you feel you can't afford to leave.

The whole 'I'll by you this brand of car' thing would suggests to me you are dealing with a narcissist who wants to use you to drive about in a certain type of car, to show off his 'status'.

The whole thing is pretty dark op and I think you sense this.

Maybe let him buy you that car and once it's in your name, sell it. And sell whatever else you need to to raise the funds to leave.

But get our before he is back.

Ps: And dont tell him you are leaving or he may come home early.

I say move back to your mums if pos, then look for a flat there and maybe you can still pursue your dream job.

Bunnymumy

I’m actually tearing up reading your response. I feel I really needed someone outside of this to see this too. My mum misses me so feel she may be slightly bias which is why I hesitate when she’s offered me to move down immediately before he’s back.
He can’t come back, the awful part is he’s in the army so I feel like a bad person for leaving while he is stressed out in a war zone. Dear john type stuff. But it’s not an excuse I know.
He paid for a holiday for new year, without the children and without asking. It’s somewhere I’ve actually never wanted to go and he knows this. He makes me feel like I’m ungrateful and in some ways I can see that but when in a partnership you consult your other half not expect them to worship you because you have funds to take them on a holiday of your choosing.
I also have had a precancerous surgery put on hold since February due to this lockdown and not once has he bothered to speak about it. I was devastated when I found out and doing this alone has also shown me how little he cares. It always related back to poor him, I’ve never seen someone shot so I don’t know hard times.
I’m so scared to start over again, I left a very abusive relationship four years ago and spent time homeless before applying for my dream job and actually getting a start date and then I go jumping in the deep end and moving for a man again and back to square one again with moving back in with my mum. I’m 30 and feel I just keep ruining my life and scared to keep making bad choices. I feel for my kids who have moved a few times now but they are older 8 and 12 and have been fantastic.
I guess I just need to fake my courage until it’s done. The more i dwell on my choices the more back and forth I go over it.

In addition I have tried talk to DC dad about this (we broke up 7 years ago) but moving 500 miles away means 500 miles from him too and the kids will miss him. He says I’ll never be happy and I should be grateful I have what I do ( a roof over my head) and there’s so many people worse off. Makes me doubt whether I expect too much.

@Icequeen89

The writing is written large on the wall here. He's been even clearer to you including * "if you’re leaving, do it before I get back...*" Why are you still hesitating and subjecting yourself and your children to this?

This man doesn't love you I'm afraid. It doesn't sound as if he even likes you, otherwise why would he treat you so badly? I'm afraid you have just been a convenience to him and he no longer needs you.

I think you should take your courage in both hands and move back home near your mother (or with her if that's possible) until you can sort out a home near your support network.

Good idea to reapply for the job you'd wanted but you may need to look for other jobs too as you need an income of your own as quickly as possible.

Additionally take a look at what benefits you can claim whilst you are trying to sort things out. Take a look at www.entitledto.co.uk and
www.turn2us.org.uk

Good luck OP. 🌹

Was the kids dad the abusive ex?

Shitty people tend to want you to stay with other shitty people and to feel like it is all you deserve. I would stop sharing any details of my personal life with someone like him as it's none of his business and he will only use it to tear you down further.

Well we have to fuck up to learn lessons in the first place. It might be worthwhile to do the freedom programe (I think it can be done online) as it sounds like you've been gravitating towards unsavory sorts of ppl and could benefit from understanding why and learning how to spot them in future asap so that you dont end up there again.

Defo fake it till you make it. Head home and focus on your career and kids for a while and re-establishing your boundaries. You can do it. Just keep putting one step in front of the other. Make a list of all the things you need to do before you leave and check them off one by one. Maybe you can do two each day and on the last one - leave :)

You went basically from one abusive relationship straight into yet another one. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded and messed up by this man now. Do not let him continue to damage you further; your initial post too makes for disturbing reading.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Consider that carefully. I would urge you to not date, let alone embark on any further relationship until you have counselling to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way. Womens Aid's Freedom Programme is something I would urge you to do now for your own self too.

You do not expect too much and both you and your children deserve better.

This man you are now with is abusive and your ex is pretty much useless as well. Disengage from the pair of them totally going forward, you also need radiators and not drains in your life. These men you describe are drains on you. Move back to your mother's and start to rebuild your life as well as your children's. Teach them good lessons about relationships.

The kids dad was not the abusive one although I guess he was in some aspects making me dependant etc.. I definitely gravitate towards unsavoury men. My current DP is not a bad person per say. He is very unselfish towards others and was so amazing before I moved in. It’s just been a downhill slope ever since. I guess when we really get to know each other and that’s without full time living together too.
I just had such a low support network I was seeking out advice anywhere. Down south hasn’t really been home. Although my mum has been there for five years. I loved there Only a year in which I really came into myself decided on a career and worked hard to get accepted to then leave. I literally dream most nights of it and think of it often, first time I guess I’ve really regretted a choice I made.
I love the list idea as I find them helpful. I just need to remind myself why I’m doing this (maybe another list). It’s hard because after he told me to leave while he’s away he acts like nothing happened and messages me constantly all day so I’m still replying... I know it might be harder on me but I wasn’t going to say anything until I had done, another burden to bare to keep up appearances until that happens.

Just get out ASAP OP. Stop making excuses for him and saying "he is not a bad personality per se. / he was nice before I moved in". Yes, that's what abusers do. They are lovely to other people and at first, but treat you like shit once you're involved. Please please think about what you are teaching your children by staying with this man for one more minute! On the other hand, if you moved to your Mum's area and get the dream job you'll be teaching them how to be a positive, assertive, independent woman who looks after her own and her DC needs first and foremost.

You do desperately need some therapy to unravel your patterns of behaviour, your lack of boundaries abs why you've tolerated these men treating you this way. You can get some online low cost therapy quite easily with a bit of research. Please do this for your future self and for your children. The Freedom Programme online wold also be a very sensible use of time.

In the meantime, get your bags packed, get your CV ready and move to your Mums as fast as you can.

God he sounds utterly awful
Definitely controlling and financially as well as emotionally abusive.

He’s doing a good job of making you feel unhappy, unloved and isolated. He won’t stop so you have break the cycle. He thinks he’s calling your bluff y giving you thirty days to leave because he thinks you are too dependent, scared and that you are desperate. You need to show him you are not.

Leave
And don’t even bother telling him because he’s not worth it

I spoke to him today about my feelings on everything. He’s played the victim saying I enjoy torturing him while he’s away that I need to be responsible for my own finances and ignores anything I say true about him. Spoke about the pre nup and how he feels I should hound my ex for a house and not him and I won’t be getting his hard earned pension and house. He says he’s sick of my pseudo threats of leaving (the past week I’ve brought it up when saying how unhappy I am so he would realise how bad it is)
I have spoken with my mum and she’s making space for us.
I’m confused about things like the new hoover I’ve paid half of for the past year. £12.50 into the account every month because that’s how petty things are. This has been an eye opener for me and I can’t thank you all enough for your input and thoughts on this.
Thank you

@Icequeen89 Great to hear that you're going to your mother's. You're confused because you don't understand how someone who is supposed to love you can treat you the way this man is treating you. It is confusing. The thing is he doesn't love you - or not the way a partner would love you in a healthy, functional relationship. Fortunately, you've realised before you've become too entwined - particularly before you've married or had DC together.

Once you're at your mothers, you can concentrate on finding your job and building a life for you and your DC. You may also want to do some work on yourself and your expectations of relationships before you date again. You've got out of two abusive relationships now so you obviously have instincts that work well and save you in the end. It sounds like you just need to practise recognising red flags earlier on and you'll be fine. And perhaps make it a rule never to leave a job in order to be with a man!

Onwards and upwards, OP!

@dery
You’re definitely right there and I held off the baby and possible moving house etc because of these fears where as in the beginning I was more than happy to plan a house and baby and wedding. Now I couldn’t imagine anything worse.

I probably do need some more counselling. My ex husband (the abusive one that lasted three years) led me to counselling in which the guy actually told me I needed to leave. I was so proud of myself and have come into myself so much more since then. I’ve just gone from extreme abusive to one more hidden and not as obvious. It was so hard as I became homeless after my marriage ended and eventually pulled myself up and got my job lined up and met my DP and sacked it all in again. I clearly have some love issues to work on. I looked into the freedom programme it’s £12 but I’m guessing it’s worth it.
DP now assumes I have someone on the go since I’ve opened up about how this isn’t working for me, glad he isn’t here while I do this.

Honestly OP, just stop engaging with him and stop talking things through with him now- he is entirely unreasonable and abusing you. Don't consult him anymore. Pack up and leave ASAP this week if possible and don't inform him. You gave no legal ties to him. Stop all your direct debit payments to him immediately.

Take what's yours but factor in losing things like the vacuum. But stop ALL the monthly payments. You are better off escaping with your mental health and starting afresh.

Yes you do need to do the Freedom programme and have proper therapy. But first get out if his home, and imo don't talk to him again.

You can do it OP. Be strong.

OP it all sounds like bad news. Good on you for recognising it. Move out, get your life back on track and find your independence again.

The bit about having drunk strangers sleeping in the house with your kids after you objected made my blood run cold.

It also sounds like your kids have had a lot of changes. Find somewhere safe for all of you where you can have the life that you deserve, one that makes you feel proud. And talk to Women's Aid/ do the Freedom Programme to help you avoid dodgy guys in the future.

This man is a world class cunt. Go back to your mum and start a new life.