Over last few years, relationship has been really tough with DH. He’s struggled with anxiety since kids and needed very rigid rules and timetables and got very agitated, angry and stressed when I haven’t stuck to them. I’m a decent mum but due to his anxiety he has had to check I’ve done things properly (eg cooled their food so it’s not too hot etc.), as if I might not be capable. He has never recognised that he suffers with anxiety and denies it. In arguments and whenever he has a strong opinion about something, he won’t let me have a different point of view but tries to argue me around to his point of view like it’s the only truth. I find this very frustrating. He has very often struggled with having my family over (pre lockdown) on special occasions— he can’t bear that I am preoccupied with what to cook, and meeting everyone’s needs and as a result withdraws into a sulk that causes a bad atmosphere and ruins the day for me. We tried Relate but when the therapist tried to explore underlying stuff he would give her a list of ‘logical’ reasons why his behaviour is reasonable, just like he does with me, so I didn’t see the point. He really struggles to reflect on himself.
Basically I’ve been wanting to leave, though haven’t said that due to lockdown and needing to get ducks in a row. And also because taking about difficulties is so hard with him — he quickly gets very upset then goes into the withdrawn state for days/weeks. BUT the last couple of months he’s been trying really hard, he has cut out his impatience and has tried hard to be more flexible and supportive. I appreciate the effort but the problem is that I feel I don’t really love him anymore and I’m struggling to feel like I want to stay in the marriage to try to make it work. I feel really guilty about this, like I should be able to make it work now that he’s trying. Especially as we have 2 DC, age 5 & 2. I feel like if I leave I’m doing something destructive to the family re. the kids, when maybe I should be able to make it work. But have lost will to be with DH, even though I do care about him. Any thoughts?