Ex has lost control: sending vile messages about me, even to DS

[Isla1648]

I've been shown messages - emails etc - that my ex husband has been sending DS and family members over the past couple of years - though guess it's been going on a long time. They are, without exception, highly unpleasant. I'm called names and worse, vile emojis appear next to my name (or, more likely, HER), language is foul and DS, an adult now, is told in no uncertain terms to get away from where he's living as that's close to us.

DS has serious MH problems and DH (who's brought him up since he was very little) and I are doing everything in our power to care for him. It's a constant struggle to get help for him and support for ourselves. So, I don't need this outpouring of bile. Sometimes, DH is targeted, too, for example ex wishes that we'd both die. And DS has to read this. Ex and I weren't married for long - I got out quickly. I've got two more kids whereas the ex hasn't moved on at all.

He's caught in this spiral of anger and even as he gets older, his language is becoming increasingly foul. He tells DS in detail about his health issues. It's nasty stuff.

DH says I should ignore, ex is caught in the past and won't change now and that DS isn't overly influenced. But I am deeply hurt. The words are out there.

This would be one thing but the ex has managed, over many years, to draw a wedge between me and other family members. He's loud, big and aggressive. That seems to attract certain people.

I know I should ignore but it's hard when you see, in black and white, that someone (could be anyone) wants you to drown - several such references. I have friends but can't talk to anyone about this. It's so personal. DH is great but doesn't understand the depth of my hurt, especially as the ex has so horribly influenced others of my family.

There's a syndrome - exes unable to stop, contain or control their anger, even after many years?

Sorry youre going through this. What a drain.

How old is DS? Does he have any contact with his dad? Is he getting support with his mh issues?

How long ago did you split up? I'm guessing at least 15 yrs given what you say about ds's relationship with your dh.

Does your ex have some sort of tie to your family outside of your past relationship?

Regardless of any of those answers, has there been any previous legal involvement? Your ex is harassing you (to put it mildly!) and the police should be involved. Alternatively you could go down the route of solicitors letter.

I know it’s really tough but try to focus on the people receiving these vile communications - not what this irrelevant idiot has to say about you.

How does your son feel about them. Is he able to talk to his dad and ask him to stop. Can he block his dads number if they are upsetting. Is he able to give his dad an ultimatum?

Are the other family members your family or his? If they are your family can they block him?

Suggest to your ds that he sets up a new email that he does not give his father. Tell him to delete his old email address, or if he does not want his father to know he has done that then ask him to give up his email password and you go in and change it so your ds can’t access them any more. At a push ask ds to mark his fathers emails as junk so they go directly into that folder

If he is sending to other family members, if they mark as junk as well? Or block

Malicious communications? I would speak to the police if you can.

Thanks so much for replies, especially at this time of night! Appreciated.

DS has paranoid schizophrenia and shouldn't, very obviously, be being sent such nasty messages about me, his mum, and the person who's brought him up and who, in fact, he calls Dad. The ex and I split when DS was still a baby but the anger that surrounded that divorce and the vile legal proceedings that followed (and which he instigated) hasn't left him. He's highly legalistic and very, very prurient in the way in which he talks. He's always had an excessive interest in bodily parts.

DS doesn't see him much - he'll want to stay in touch (even when, as it often, he's told to F off, to stay away, and generally criticised a great deal for behaviour that isn't at all his fault - in addition to the bile that's directed at DH and me). DS occasionally gets money (tiny amounts to be truthful) for him but if I could talk openly to DS (he's too unwell), I'd advise him to block contact until his father behaves (which may never happen).

The other family members are on my side, eg my brother, which is why I'm so sad. I'm portrayed as the worse person on the planet and the language is unrepeatable here. A good point about the police (especially with the death references - threatening almost) but they might well say that this is bluster - albeit highly unpleasant. But I will think about it. Thanks.

DH and I try to make life for DS as good and positive as possible. We don't need this toxic distraction. One of DS's MH workers did once say that an email from the ex (he's a prolific writer) suggested that he, too, may have mental health issues. But for me, the fact that he can't let go of whatever anger he had in the distant past and wants to punish me (for what?) through DS (now an adult) is the issue here.

Thanks again.

There's a syndrome - exes unable to stop, contain or control their anger, even after many years?

Yes, it's called being an abuser. Maybe a personality disorder, but definitely abusive. xxxxx

That's awful OP. you have shown so much dignity about this but please involve the police. They will just give him a warning/visit and in many cases that will put a stop to it. 💐