When you try a do something right

[peonyfairy03]

I tried to do something good for my DH but I wish I hadn’t bothered.

DH has 3 children 2 with EXw 1 from a very brief relationship. He’s spent the morning at Ex’s with his DD as she won’t let her come here due to virus. ( but there’s a long history there) He hasn’t heard nothing from his other two not a card or text. They do live miles away though.

I got DH a card and presents from me and my two children to show appreciation he hasn’t even said thanks which has hurt me. I know he was struggling today as it’s the anniversary of his dads death also.

Tonight I accidentally put something in the bin he needed I don’t really recall seeing it on the worktop so told him it wasn’t there in first place. I then looked through bin and found it. He got angry I know it wasn’t about the item in the bin really he’s hurt about his kids ect. He’s gone to bed in a huff I’m hurt because he didn’t say thanks for what we did for him today. I’ve apologised for putting item in bin I’m now sleeping on sofa because I feel I don’t want to go up to bed. I’m not sure really why I’m putting it here but just wanted to rant and cry. I hate Father’s Day anyway as it brings back some horrible memories for me and I’ve never had a father anyway.

Playing devils advocate here ... he's upset about not hearing from his kids and his dads death ... and you're making it all about you because he wasn't grateful enough for the card. But you're also upset about not having a father. Honestly it sounds like you are both projecting external upsets onto each other, surely a recipe for disaster?

You're both dealing with very raw emotions and taking them out on each other, which is something we often do to those closest to us. Tomorrow, sit with him and have a gentle talk. This will only become a major "thing" if you both don't communicate.

@tobedtoMNandfart

Playing devils advocate here ... he's upset about not hearing from his kids and his dads death ... and you're making it all about you because he wasn't grateful enough for the card. But you're also upset about not having a father. Honestly it sounds like you are both projecting external upsets onto each other, surely a recipe for disaster?

You are not "playing Devil's advocate" you're just being nasty and cruel. You're giving the op a hard time so be honest about your cruel words.

@Institutkarite sorry I had absolutely no intention of being 'nasty and cruel'. I only ever comment if I feel it might help.
MN can delete my PP if they wish.
OP sorry if I have hurt you that was not my intention at all.

It’s fine and I get why you said it. I’m very sensitive to his feelings. It’s the same regarding his birthday he never gets nothing from his children that live miles away. They are 16 and 13 so old enough to send a card at least they have there own phones so they could text or call. I always do something as an acknowledgement from my children to him for birthdays and Christmas. It’s never returned. Yesterday I was upset he didn’t say thank you to my children and his complete over reaction to me accidentally putting something in the bin to which I retrieved. it was the way he spoke to me that I found hurtful. I didn’t mean it to be about me at all I’ve had many years dealing with these days.

You might all be best off agreeing to ignore Father's Day in future.

I would find this odd:
I always do something as an acknowledgement from my children to him for birthdays and Christmas.
My mum has form for putting my name to things she has done. Similarly I get cards and presents that are from her put have other people's names on too. I find it weird. I assume your children are a similar age to his given you have been together for years.

Yes mine are. I always ask my children if they want to give something it’s not expected of them. He does a bit for my two but they do live with us. I knew his children wouldn’t do anything they never do.

Hope things are a bit better today.

No not really.

I read something the other day which stuck with me and I will parrot it on here daily!

All behaviour stems from a difficult feeling, all feelings stem from an unmet need. If you can identify the need in both of you, it will be easier to ask for it to be met.

If your need is for a feeling of family, because you don’t feel like you had that yourself, that would explain why it hurts that your H didn’t value your attempt to celebrate him as part of your DCs’ family. If his unmet need is to be valued by his DCs, then getting that validation from yours and not his own may have been hurtful rather helpful.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t have done anything from you and your DCs, but maybe next year, let Fathers Day pass without acknowledgement from your DCs and do something nice for him the weekend before or something, so that you can thank him for all he does for your DCs, without (inadvertently) pointing out that his own DCs are lacking.

I think next year I won’t do anything. Maybe go on holiday for the day