My dad died

[Ginandbitterlemonplease]

Hi,

So today I found out my dad had died...in November. I had only seen him once in my life when I was a teenager.

He wasn’t nice to my mum before she had me, Infact he was pretty damn evil. When I was old enough my mum let me decide for myself and I decided to meet him. I didn’t really feel anything for him as I was still a teenager and I resented him for abandoning me and hurting mum.

Fast forward 15 years, we lost contact again but last year he messaged me telling me how sorry he was, how time was previous and he wanted a relationship with me and to make things right. There was a lot of messages but I ignored them - I had a child of my own now and I couldn’t get past the fact that he had abandoned me.

Today I went on his social media and found out he had passed away Xmas time. I am so heartbroken and I don’t know why, I feel guilt that I ignored him when he was clearly trying to tell me he was ill and sadness that I am never going to get the chance to put things right.

I know I shouldn’t feel this devastated over a man I didn’t know and had no part in raising me and was so horrible to my mum but I am in bits. I’ve just looked at his messages again and I can’t stop crying.

What do I do and why do I feel like this, I feel like a fraud for grieving over a man I didn’t know.

It looks like I have contradicted my self in the post it was November/December time from what I can make out on social media. Xx

Sorry to hear that op he was still ur dad and maybe ur upset because it’s Father’s Day and you never got a chance to say goodbye to him you didn’t want contact for your good reason but that had been taken away and you can’t get it back maybe you will Need to grieve for the dad u never had but wanted x

Im so sorry you are feeling so bad. You didnt do anything wrong, try not and feel guilty. You didnt owe your dad anything, he was only a dad in the biological sense, but I do understand why you feel so guilty but, not meaning to sound harsh , he made his choices when you were a child and had to live with the consequences, your reactions are completely understandable. Guilt is a normal part of grief,no matter what the circumstances, everyone thinks what if. You made the best decision based on the information you had at the time. Is there anyone you can talk to who knew your dad? Might also be worth talking to a counselor.

You aren't a fraud. You are grieving for a relationship that our culture tells us is one of the most fundamental human relationships (parent/child) and the fact you can now never have that relationship with your dad.

Be kind to yourself. You made the best decisions you could and it doesn't sound as if he would ever have been a great dad.

I understand. When you chose to ignore those messages, it was your decision. You were in control. You also thought, if you ever wanted to change your mind, you could. Now you can't. A finality that was made for you.

If he was alive today, you'd probably not contacted him. And that's still OK. He is dead and that makes hurt feelings complicated.

My mother is a shit mother and I haven't seen her in years. I always wonder what it'll be like when she dies. I wonder if it'll be easier in many ways- but it will be complicated and hard. She can never undo what she did. She can't make up for it. That's why I don't allow her to try, but when she dies, even though I still know those things to be true, there will be not a single smidgen of a chance.

Be sad and angry and all the feelings you need. Seek therapy.

You are heartbroken for what you never had and now will never be. Not for him. 💐

You're gonna be ok. X

So sorry OP, I know how you feel and that must be an awful shock! You absolutely have the right to grieve. It’s very sad that nobody let you know what had happened I’m sure it wouldn’t have been very difficult to find some contact details for you. You may not have had the best relationship but he was still your dad. it will get easier.

He is dead and that makes hurt feelings complicated.

This is so true

I completely understand this.

My dad was horrendously abusive to me and my mum when I was very young, we fled and I never had contact with him again until my late teens. At this point he was a raging addict so I explained I wouldn't be in contact again, then I found out last summer he'd died of a heart attack after overdosing a few months previously, there was no funeral or anything he was just cremated alone.

It's such a difficult situation, in no way are you a fraud. Emotions are so complex and we all deal with death so differently, it's even harder when you haven't had that closure. X

So sorry for your loss, especially today. I think sometimes in situations like these it's not so much the loss of the person so much as the loss of opportunity, and the sad realisation that things might have been different but now never can be. But that's not your fault at all. I hope you have other family around to help you through it

That’s a v tough and complex situation with conflicting emotions - it has a name “disenfranchised grief”.

You need to process and grieve for the childhood you didn’t have because he abandoned you - that’s a big loss not to have had a father in your life. Seems that he hurt you many times over many years - that’s a lot to come to terms with. Even him contacting you in his later days could have been more about easing his own guilt or seeking comfort for himself rather than any true regard for you. Lean on your friends and family it’s a real blow and your grief is valid and needs comforting and expressing in all it’s messy, conflicted, complex ways.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel a bit relieved that I’m not alone in these feelings even though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I have tried to contact my dads side of the family, but I have had no response at all which I think is making things harder as it’s like I don’t even exist- which I think half of them probably don’t know anyways.